To feel sad about manager's remark

[m4rdybum]

I am a PA, supporting a managing director of a company.

I had a phased return from maternity leave in October then went back up to full time after Christmas. I am also part of an administration team that supports top level managers of the company.

On maternity leave, my job was covered by another member of the team. I've been told by colleagues and my manager that the cover was adequate but that there were a lot of mistakes.

Upon coming back, I'm having issues getting my full workload back from the covering colleague (I get it- I've been out the job for 10 months) and my manager is making matters more complicated by still splitting the workload between us.

I have since found out that my manager has told one of the senior managers that she's "scared of me going off on maternity leave again" and so doesnt want to rely on me too much now I'm back (even though it's my job).

I'm upset by this and think that now, everyone sees me only as a mother (who is bound to have more kids ) and not as a colleague/professional at work.

Am I just over-reacting? (I'm so much more sensitive since returning to work, so probably am!!)

It’s a horrible comment, but probably true - 10 months is a long mat leave and you prob will have more children, it wasn’t meant for your ears. But it’s a fair thought.
We desperately needed a strong Deputt head at our school, found one candidate ideal, she signed on Friday and came in on Monday morning to tell us that she was 5 months pregnant, claims she hadn’t realised. We were devastated for the impact on our school, we really need a strong DH.
She had long mat leave of 6 months, stayed for 3 afterwards and then left - the next DH we chose was male.
I know it’s crap but some women damage the workplace for others and women of a certain age are not a safe bet. Just remember that this wasn’t an insult, you weren’t meant to hear it, and it’s probably true.
Ok MN - I gave my tin hat on, go for it.

I think it’s common to feel more emotional after having kids and as we age. We have greater stress when we have a child to look after as well as full time job. You have Been off for 10months feeling vulnerable slight changes in dynamics it’s off putting and quite often we don’t have the mental energy to deal with the BS. Even if you have a partner taking care of child.
It’s outrageous what your manager said but she didn’t say it directly. Why did this person tell you this?
Like others had said it’s good to share workload in case of illness etc but if you feel you’re being ignored or overlooked then definitely address it. She is discriminating against you.

The error in what some PPs have been saying is that they're assuming that discrimination against having babies is a woman's problem rather than the societal one that it is. So if people like Dingle continue to think that they're winning the system by playing the men's game, they're just reinforcing the problem. Reproduction isn't going to go away (I mean, maybe it wouldn't be a bad thing to have fewer people on the planet, but that's another discussion). Until both parents bear the responsibility for that in the workplace, women of reproductive age will be seen as a 'risk' and men and women will continue to express what should be shocking attitudes and opinions as if they were a fact of life. They're not. Sex is a fact of life. Babies are a fact of life. Attitudes are not.

Of course from a employers point of view this is a nightmare situation. I have learned a very costly lesson as I have a small cafe and lost two girls to pregnancy at the same time. It nearly closed me down, so as bad as it may sound I wouldn’t employ anyone young enough to have a baby.

It annoys me that employers can no longer legally ask women ‘what our plans are’ in this respect because I always delighted in telling them I have no intentions of having children which I feel has helped me progress miles above where I would be otherwise.

What's annoying you @DingleberryRose is that you can no longer legally benefit from discrimination against other women who make different life choices than you. What a vile attitude.

I daresay your manager has restructured the team so that things don't fall apart if any one person is absent for a long time, whether that is long-term sick or maternity leave.

Ask for a meeting and demonstrate your commitment to your role. Tell her you feel that your job has been downgraded and that you want more responsibility.

It sounds to me like your pregnancy was the catalyst for the change in how everyone was supported. The MD may have felt they had all their eggs in one basket and when you announced your pregnancy they took steps that meant anyone could cover your role, and others, if you or other support staff were out of the business.

While the comment was unwise it is not unusual. I've worked with women who went off on a years mat leave, came back already pregnant then some months later went off again for a year. While that is their right, it would be foolish not to acknowledge that can lead to issues for the team left behind. Sounds like your manager was acknowledging this although I would question the professionalism of the person who told you. It is not a helpful comment.

If I were you I'd ask for a job description and a chat about how this new team works, what your role is in it and what career paths are open to you.

@LouiseCollina What's annoying you @DingleberryRose is that you can no longer legally benefit from discrimination against other women who make different life choices than you. What a vile attitude

Why is it vile? I don’t want children so my opportunities in both my career and my life should reflect this. Should I pretend I do so I’m overlooked and lumped into the ‘probably going to get knocked up soon category’? Employers can’t legally ask, but I can legally tell them. And I would, in a heartbeat!

@CaptainNelson So if people like Dingle continue to think that they're winning the system by playing the men's game, they're just reinforcing the problem

What’s the alternative? There is no choice but to play the man’s game unless you want to be left behind.

Why is it vile? I don’t want children so my opportunities in both my career and my life should reflect this. Should I pretend I do so I’m overlooked and lumped into the ‘probably going to get knocked up soon category’? Employers can’t legally ask, but I can legally tell them. And I would, in a heartbeat!

Oh don't worry Dingleberry, I believe you. You've made it perfectly clear that you're happy to benefit from an unfair and discriminatory system, and you have done, by "miles" in your own words.

If your child is in nursery, they will end up getting sick a lot, so you and your husband may need a lot of time off over the next few years. Talking from bitter experience here. Having said that my work was pleased to get an older new hire as her predecessor took a lot of time off for her baby’s illness. Well, new woman seems to get sick even more often, so it’s the same situation. I think employers should consider all roles and responsibilities and make sure no one is indispensable, young or old, male or female. No one is invincible.

Also, a male colleague was involved in a car crash and ended up taking almost a year off work. I do get that car crashes are less common than babies, but I feel at my work, it’s all been pretty even, but manager complained most about leave taken for the sick baby and that seemed so unfair given the time others have taken off is equivalent.

@MindyStClaire

As I said, the mistake that the OP's manager made was voicing this aloud.

It's vaguely amusing that you think that something I write on an internet forum could be traced back to me or would carry any weight.

As someone who employs 500+ staff, it's absolutely a consideration when I'm employing someone.

Wow! 500+ people positively affected by discrimination against who knows how many other people, all of them women? Likely thousands involved in the interviewing process. How disgusting to know that the patriarchal structure of our world is actively endorsed and upheld by other women.

Looking at this from your managers perspective:

Your manager has made the decision not to rely soley on you: she's not saying you're not capable, shes just realised that putting her eggs in one basket has created issues, this is about the business not you?

Have you decided not to have more children? If the answer is no and you ARE considering more children at a later stage then you've no right to be outraged.

This is not discrimination. Her decision is related to forward planning not because you're a woman.

The real reason you're upset is that your workplace dynamic has changed and you're using your bosses comment as an excuse to be outraged over it.

Bottom line: If you hadn't have had a baby and left for 10 months your status quo would have remained in tact but your absence has been a catalyst for change. You will now have to live with that.

Just talk to your boss. Tell her you overheard her comment and coupled with the division of work you are feeling a bit out of the loop and would appreciate a bit more responsibility.

Have you decided not to have more children? If the answer is no and you ARE considering more children at a later stage then you've no right to be outraged.

OP, ignore this. You have every right to be outraged at being illegally discriminated against because of parenthood. Men do not face this discrimination, which is exactly what makes it sex-based discrimination and illegal under the law. Log this in an email as has already been advised and take legal advice. You should not tolerate being treated illegally, in your own workplace or anywhere.

OP if you want to progress, ask for a meeting about it so they will see your not intending to leave anytime soon and intact want to be more involved

You’re obviously very good at what you do.
I think it’s appalling how you’ve been treated here.
As has been said before, write a letter asking to return to full duties, exactly as your job was before you went on maternity leave.
You have legal rights so stick to your guns with this and good luck.

How well do you get on with your manager? I would be tempted to have a straightforward conversation about this:
'I get that because I've been on mat leave that you might think I'm going to have more children or that I have more outside responsibility but please be assured that I'm not planning on making any further changes to my family nor am I looking to decrease my workload or hours here. It would help me if my workload responsibilities were defined at this point'

Something like that should put it to rest

@LouiseCollina

You say patriarchy, I say meritocracy.

For what it's worth, 7 of the 10 most senior positions (8 of 11, including me) are held by women. They tend to be childless or in relationships where the husband understands that the woman is the breadwinner. Be as outraged at that as you'd like.

have since found out that my manager has told one of the senior managers that she's "scared of me going off on maternity leave again tbh I would guess the senior manager who told you is shit stirring.