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Original poster

To feel sad about manager's remark

96 replies

m4rdybum · 12/03/2020 12:53

I am a PA, supporting a managing director of a company.

I had a phased return from maternity leave in October then went back up to full time after Christmas. I am also part of an administration team that supports top level managers of the company.

On maternity leave, my job was covered by another member of the team. I've been told by colleagues and my manager that the cover was adequate but that there were a lot of mistakes.

Upon coming back, I'm having issues getting my full workload back from the covering colleague (I get it- I've been out the job for 10 months) and my manager is making matters more complicated by still splitting the workload between us.

I have since found out that my manager has told one of the senior managers that she's "scared of me going off on maternity leave again" and so doesnt want to rely on me too much now I'm back (even though it's my job).

I'm upset by this and think that now, everyone sees me only as a mother (who is bound to have more kids Hmm) and not as a colleague/professional at work.

Am I just over-reacting? (I'm so much more sensitive since returning to work, so probably am!!)

OP posts:
DingleberryRose · 12/03/2020 17:46

How is anyone supposed to have a family

I genuinely believe a huge number of women should strongly consider skipping it all together. We make the most sacrifices for children, we take the brunt of the work. I don’t think that’s OK anymore.

GrumpyHoonMain · 12/03/2020 17:51

Book a 1-2-1 and call her out on what you have heard: tell her if you don’t get your responsibilities back you will raise a grievance.

PlomBear · 12/03/2020 17:56

DingleberryRose - really?

The highest ever number of people are in work. I keep hearing that young people aged 18-24 can’t get jobs, nobody will employ women aged 18-40 or men or women over 50...but it’s not true is it or only a men aged 24-49 and women aged 40-50 will have jobs.

Interesting that you choose to post on a forum for mothers...

GiveHerHellFromUs · 12/03/2020 18:07

Ask for a one-to-one, explain that you wish to put a development plan in place as you feel your careers taken a backwards step and you'd like to keep moving forwards.

Ask for set responsibilities and targets. Make it clear you're there to work not just pay the bills.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 12/03/2020 19:41

It annoys me that employers can no longer legally ask women ‘what our plans are’ in this respect because I always delighted in telling them I have no intentions of having children which I feel has helped me progress miles above where I would be otherwise.

Isn't it quite depressing to know that you're 'miles ahead' only because other, better and more able candidates are being discriminated against? I'd find that quite demoralising myself.

lowlandLucky · 12/03/2020 20:15

OP As awful as your manahers remark was i have to say welcome to the real world. Some employers ( me included) never employ younger women, as much as i belive in womens right, as a small business i just couldnt afford to pay maternity pay and cover.
The nature of my business meant we needed x amount of staff. If i had to pay maternity and cover i would have to have let one of my other staff ( all female) go, as we worked in pairs.

Ruby8719 · 12/03/2020 20:21

It’s a risk to any business to rely on one person 100% if they don’t have to. Whether you get hit by a bus/ pregnant/die - no one should have all the skill and knowledge to themselves - it leaves businesses vulnerable.

hiphopapotamuses · 12/03/2020 20:33

I'd give ACAS a call and see if they can advise - I had something very similar happen to me and they were really helpful.

GetyourFaLaLasRight · 12/03/2020 20:37

lowlandLucky I thought small businesses could claim most, if not all, maternity costs back from the government, so you weren't left out of pocket?

MindyStClaire · 12/03/2020 20:50

as much as i belive in womens right, as a small business i just couldnt afford to pay maternity pay and cover.

If you can't afford basic employment rights, then you can't afford employees, and your business likely isn't viable.

maddiemookins16mum · 12/03/2020 21:21

How did you ‘find out’??

k1233 · 12/03/2020 23:11

I agree with @Ruby8719. It makes business sense to have multiple people trained in roles to cover absences, whether they be maternity leave or unexpected accidents. I've had a number of long term absences on my team for unforeseeable accidents / illnesses eg stroke, broken back, car accident etc.

Whilst you were on maternity leave, the cover for you was not up to standard. So if I were your boss, now that you're back, I'd definitely be getting other people to learn the role from you and ensuring cross skilling across the entire administration support group.

From your perspective you should seek clarity around your role and responsibilities in the new structure.

Horsefeather · 12/03/2020 23:20

Well, @DingleberryRose, with the attitude you display on this thread, I’m not surprised you’ve only progressed in the workplace because other women are being discriminated against.

Also, it’s a long time since I’ve seen such an entrenched case of internalised misogyny.

DingleberryRose · 12/03/2020 23:30

Well, @DingleberryRose, with the attitude you display on this thread, I’m not surprised you’ve only progressed in the workplace because other women are being discriminated against. Also, it’s a long time since I’ve seen such an entrenched case of internalised misogyny

What, the attitude of wishing women would put themselves first now and then? That they would stop believing having children is the default and stop finding themselves dependent on men. Men who often check out of family life and responsibilities leaving women to shoulder the burden of child rearing and housework.

Yeah how terrible am I?

Horsefeather · 12/03/2020 23:33

Pu-lease. If all women in your workplace decided not to reproduce, you’d be back making the coffee by your own account.

Primadonna1 · 13/03/2020 06:18

Maternity leave is a huge strain on any service I don’t see the problem with a manager dividing the role to provide better cover . This might be beneficial when people are in sick leave also a major problem if only one person knows how to do a job . If you were a manger you would understand this.

DingleberryRose · 13/03/2020 09:14

Pu-lease. If all women in your workplace decided not to reproduce, you’d be back making the coffee by your own account

I have two degrees and I’m half way through my PhD so I highly doubt that. I’ve also had solid employment since University with no time off to raise children (and never will). If I approach a new employer, I don’t want to be lumped into the ‘probably doing to get knocked up pile’ and miss out on opportunities men would normally get because their lives change very little when they become fathers.

5zeds · 13/03/2020 09:22

@DingleberryRose two degrees and a phd and sexist as they come.

Whenisithometime · 13/03/2020 09:23

I agree with you OP. That’s a very bitchy comment. YANBU. I’d ask to speak to him about it. He has no right to make comments like that. Disgraceful

DingleberryRose · 13/03/2020 09:26

@DingleberryRose two degrees and a phd and sexist as they come

I’m not sexist at all. I want women to do well, I want us to smash it but the equality we want is not going to be handed to us on a plate. We’re going to have to take it. We keep putting ourselves in situations that keep us on the bottom of the pile.

Horsefeather · 13/03/2020 09:33

I have a BA, two master's degrees and a DPhil myself, as well as a young child, and your attitude screams of both desperate insecurity and a particularly mean-spirited misogyny.

Feel free not to have a child. I didn’t have one, or plan one, until I was 39. But denigrating other women’s choices because they don’t bolster your own is juvenile, and from what you say in your second post, you feel you would not have progressed in the workplace if you had had a maternity leave, and that employers’ discriminatory practices have resulted in you being promoted above your abilities.

DingleberryRose · 13/03/2020 09:38

@Horsefeather from what you say in your second post, you feel you would not have progressed in the workplace if you had had a maternity leave, and that employers’ discriminatory practices have resulted in you being promoted above your abilities

I’ve not been promoted ‘above my abilities’. Being clear I’m not having children has helped me not to be overlooked. I’m exactly where I deserve to be. We are the only ones who have the power to change the system! It’s not going to be handed to us.

5zeds · 13/03/2020 09:50

I think it’s really depressing to read OPs managers take on life and have Ding jump in to air her own misogyny. I expect you are exactly where you should be, Ding. What a pity you don’t think you could/should have been able to achieve what you have AND been free to have a family.
There are of course loads of women who are capable of sustaining relationships and raising children AS WELL AS doing a good job and progressing. It’s best not to assume you're choices are unilaterally admired or even necessary.

5zeds · 13/03/2020 09:51

Apologies you’re should read your

Flyingskunk · 13/03/2020 09:54

I think this is just an off the cuff comment to a colleague. I’m a mother of 2 in a small company and we have often had these sort of honest off the cuff conversations. It is disruptive to employers you have to accept that.
I would take it that you obviously do a very good job, you were missed and your boss hopes you won’t be going off again soon.
The difference is where this actually starts to affect you at work so yes you should get your duties back I had a massive struggle with this after my second child and it was really a really difficult period. They cannot discriminate against you in terms of duties, responsibilities etc
So yes raise the issue with regards to getting your duties back but I think you are being over sensitive about a comment I’m sure was not made in a professional/ official capacity

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