AIBU being annoyed at people who can't take no for an answer?

[LBFan]

I feel like I am in a loop of feeling pissed off and being told to just be grateful.

A few (made up) examples to try and convey what I mean:

Person: Do you want a cup of coffee?
Me: No thanks I don't drink coffee
Person: I bought you a cup of coffee anyway, you can just drink half of it.

Person: I'm getting a slice of cake from the cafe, would you like one?
Me: I can't eat anything sweet due to a medical conditon, but thank you for offering.
Person: I bought you some cake anyway, you can just eat a bit of it.

Person: Do you fancy getting some lunch?
Me: I have already eaten before I left the house, I don't mind coming along though.
Person: I know you said you had already eaten but it just doesn't feel right to be eating when you are not so I bought you a sandwich.

I feel like I am constantly saying no to people, and I also feel like nobody in my life actually listens to me. Constantly feel guilt tripped into doing things I don't want to do.

Side note: I obviously don't say no to everything, just the things I know I can't have due to illness or if I have already eaten etc

AIBU to feel like nobody ever listens to me when I say no? How do I get people to actually listen to me when I do say no to something?

Tone of voice!

I don’t mean shouting I mean you need to channel your “inner headmistress”

“No! No coffee thanks”

Don’t “JADE” - justify, argue defend or explain.

“No! No cake thanks”

“No! No lunch thanks I’m perfectly fine just having a drink”

Learn some assertiveness techniques and for the really thick skinned people reinforce it. If googling video is better as you'll hear the assertive tone of voice.

It's also body language and eye contact etc

“No! You have the coffee/cake/sandwich. I’d already told you I don’t want it”

It’s not rude it’s asserting yourself.

Is it always food/drink related??

Just say no
Don’t drink the coffee, eat the sandwich. Whatever it is. Say no and mean it.

Tone of voice, as pp suggested, and don’t justify it (unless requested).

And, as per your examples, just leave whatever they’ve bought untouched. Hopefully, they’ll get the message!

Is it just food/drink you get constantly offered?

I get this from a relative with presents. If asked I make it clear I don't want anything, then if they keep asking I might say I'd like x, they give me x, y, and z. Then get upset when I don't sound happy about it. I thank them but can't fake reactions. For some people it's all about them and how they feel as the giver, they don't actually think about you.

You can't "make " them listen.

But you can control your own actions.

You say no to a coffee but they bring you one.
Ignore the coffee. Place it to one side and forget about it.
Don't give it another thought.

Maybe just act as if you're sorry for them? "What a shame you've wasted money on that, I don't drink coffee/want cake/have already eaten".
And then leave it (coffee/cake etc). They could be feeling guilty at eating cake etc. and by including you they feel less guilty IYSWIM. They could be including you to make themselves feel better, but that's not your job.
Pitying them empowers you and they'll look silly. Say no. Mean it.

Do you drink the 'coffee' and eat the 'food' after they have gone against your wishes,

? Not ,

No justification needed. A polite "no thank you" is enough.

Sometimes I find people can be funny with food and drink to a point of having their own complexes where they feel better about eating/drinking if someone else does too. (Eg. They want to eat cake but probably shouldn't/feel bad about it /have the naughty treat mentality, but if someone else has the cake too then it's not as bad a decision to make. The same logic goes for people who say they don't want cake/chips but then will all too happily have some from other people's plates because then it doesn't count)

Could you try asking for an alternative.

Would you like a coffee?
No thanks but a tap water would be great, thanks.

Then you dont feel guilty because it doesnt cost them anything, and it doesnt matter if you dont finish it. If they still bring you a coffee just don't drink it.

Do you then eat/drink it?

Because if you do then you are reinforcing in their minds that actually you did want it.

Some of these things are cultural. In some cultures

1. It is rude not to accept the food and drink offered.
2. In some cultures and even 'typical white uk' culture, a token refusal is expected 'no, no, don't go to any trouble!' when you really do want it.

You can't change culture in one day, because you find it slightly annoying.

@LBFan YANBU, it's very annoying.

It's basically, someone asking you what you want, getting your answer, and then completely disregarding what you say, ignoring your wishes, your request, and your opinions, like they know SOOOO much better what you want/what you need/what's best for you. Like you're some kind of simpleton who doesn't know your own mind. It's so rude and disrespectful.

I was in a group in my village several years back, and one woman (one of the self-appointed leaders,) took it upon herself to say to me 'Sharon from 15 Church Street is about your age, and she is very lonely with her husband at work all week and those 2 little kiddies. to look after.' (The 'little kiddies' were 12 and 15!) 'So,' she continued, 'you can pop and see her and keep her company...'

I said 'well I'd rather not as I don't know her from Adam, and she probably won't want some random popping in.'

'I will give her your number, I will pop it through her letterbox and tell her you'll pop round soon.'

Just COMPLETELY fucking ignored me.

It was this and other incidents like this that made me leave this group.

Imagine poor Sharon if some random weirdo (me) had turned up on her doorstep and said 'hi there, let me in, you sad lonely woman!'

As an aside, 'Sharon' is always pottering about with different friends, and has a part time job at the local school, so she doesn't seem lonely or in need of company to me. So rude of this woman to assume stuff.

My Grandma is like this. I have turned up at her house before having just eaten lunch so feeling full and she insisted on making me a cheese toastie. I kept saying no, honestly I’ve just eaten and I’m full but she wouldn’t accept no at all and shoved it in front of me. She’s always been this way, she can’t accept that someone wouldn’t want to eat or drink tea.

Are you eating or drinking the things? This will only reinforce people overriding your wishes.

Say no thanks and then don't touch anything they bring you

My MIL is like this, she'll make huge dinners and I say from the beginning I've already eaten or I genuinely can only eat half the food put out (and I can eat a lot!) and she'll keep piling on the food saying 'just have a bite.... it's just something to pick at..... just eat what you can' I always feel like I'm coming cross as spoiled and ungrateful but I find it so annoying! It's the same with drinks actually, she'll say 'have some wine' but it's like 10pm on a Tuesday! So I say 'oh no I wouldn't drink this late / I won't be able to get up with the baby / I can't be hungover tomorrow / wine makes me die' and she'll pour some anyway and do the same 'just sip away.... just drink what you can' and keep reminding me as we sit there to drink up. I'd love to know how to politely but firmly say 'no' and be listened to!

I bought you some cake anyway, you can just eat a bit of it.

'Oh that's a shame, I did make it clear I didn't want any. Would you mind dropping it in the bin over there? Thanks'

Person: 'How rude'

'Well no more rude than you completely ignoring what I said, really. Hopefully you'll listen next time.'

Is this a relative? Cant imagine my friends randomly buying me stuff

Is this from just one person OP, or several people? If it's just one person they may just be "like that". If it's several perhaps you need to learn some assertiveness techniques.

Another question - is it just about food? Or was that just your examples? Don't eat/drink any of it otherwise you'll reinforce that you do want it when you say no.

This happens all the time in NI , it's honestly like an episode of Father Ted wherever you go. Worst was a visit to relatives that I'd deliberately planned for mid afternoon as have concerns about cleanliness of house. Was presented with huge bowl of Irish stew which I hate at the best of times anyway. Luckily DH likes it so had three bowls of the stuff.

I have an acquaintance who does this. I avoid them as much as possible. We were out at a social event one night and they asked me if I wanted to order any food. I said I didn't (over and over again)

Their food arrived and they asked if I wanted to try some. "Oh but you must......." Again I declined. Mr Acquaintance then thought it would be a good idea to grab my hand and forcibly move it towards the plate of food loudly asserting that I "must" be hungry.

I got up and left.

I loathe the phrase "but you must"
No, actually, I mustn't.

As I am not one of the usual MN people pleasers, I quite often ask "Why must I?". That is usually quite effective and just makes them look stupid.

One of my biggest bugbears Op!

For me, especially if you have to tell them no three times. It comes across as a lack of respect for MY needs.

SuburbanFraggle I find it more than slightly annoying to be honest, I do have an illnesss, which everyone in my life knows about and I can't drink alcohol, does not stop people literally falling out with me, say if I go round for chritmas, I had a drink shoved into my hand and told "Everyone else is drinking so at least make an effort" told them I am not making myself ill for a drink and was told I was being dramatic and making a scene, I have been saying for years that I can't drink, they are all well aware, yet I'm the one with the problem.

Its not all food/drink related, its everything in my life. I made this thread after being literally shouted at in a cafe when a family member bought me a full fry up when I went to the bathroom, I came out and said "I just told you before I went into the bathroom that I had already eaten" Got called an ungrateful cow, Thinking it might be a bit more than cutural and I'm just a doormat for everyone.