AIBU being annoyed at people who can't take no for an answer?

[LBFan]

I feel like I am in a loop of feeling pissed off and being told to just be grateful.

A few (made up) examples to try and convey what I mean:

Person: Do you want a cup of coffee?
Me: No thanks I don't drink coffee
Person: I bought you a cup of coffee anyway, you can just drink half of it.

Person: I'm getting a slice of cake from the cafe, would you like one?
Me: I can't eat anything sweet due to a medical conditon, but thank you for offering.
Person: I bought you some cake anyway, you can just eat a bit of it.

Person: Do you fancy getting some lunch?
Me: I have already eaten before I left the house, I don't mind coming along though.
Person: I know you said you had already eaten but it just doesn't feel right to be eating when you are not so I bought you a sandwich.

I feel like I am constantly saying no to people, and I also feel like nobody in my life actually listens to me. Constantly feel guilt tripped into doing things I don't want to do.

Side note: I obviously don't say no to everything, just the things I know I can't have due to illness or if I have already eaten etc

AIBU to feel like nobody ever listens to me when I say no? How do I get people to actually listen to me when I do say no to something?

Forgot to say, this is from family members only.

LBFan

Sounds like you've got family with boundary issues. I'm talking more about someone just offering twice when you visit their home for the first time or bringing a plate of biscuits and you have one to be polite.

It sounds like you just need to keep a drink in your hand or near you and just repeat "I'm fine with what I have, thanks".

"I don't know what you ordered that for when I told you I didn't want it, now it's going to be wasted."

So your family are enablers?

Yes they are a pain. And worst still when they insist that actually you do want what they are offering
Hmm yes, I am thanks. Go away.

Yes my mother. If I say no to anything she sulks.

It is usually polite to have something if you go to someone's house or a cafe though. Just get something small that you do want or say yes to a cup of tea and have a few sips. I think YABU if you are frequently going for coffee or lunch with people and not eating or drinking anything!

It sounds to me like you have a very sensible attitude towards food and drink. You stop eating when you are full and you are perfectly able to say no. I feel as though you are either already lovely and slim or you are dieting and getting visible results. Of course, I could be totally wrong!

Is someone is trying to 'sabotage' this by any chance? Perhaps your own self restraint makes others feel bad about their lack of it?

It is usually polite to have something if you go to someone's house

Why is it?
It is polite to offer if you have guests, but they can decline.

It's incredibly rude to force things on people (especially in the OPs situation where they actually can't tolerate certain things)

@crapette

The rules of hospitality are hundreds of thousands of years old. That's why it's polite. Obviously you don't have to, but such hospitality is ingrained in many cultures.

My mum has perfected the art of saying no and meaning it. It's so impressive when you see her in action and people actually stop and look at her and go 'oh, okay then'. She says it has come with age! I haven't yet got it.

@Itstheprinciple How does she do it?!

I have had this problem at times, OP. I realise it’s partly due to people wanting to steamroll and also because I used to back down. I don’t anymore. I’m not really a dessert person yet my mother always cuts me a big piece of cake covered in cream if I go to her place for dinner. Then gets annoyed that - as usual - I don’t eat it.

The alcohol one is interesting. Are your family big drinkers? When my husband decided to quit drinking it was a big shock for his family. You would think it a good thing, but they’re a family of enablers and love nothing more than to get pissed together so they were horribly unsupportive.

It sounds very annoying. However, if you're in a cafe or restaurant, I think it's a bit unsociable not to have anything at all, but perhaps that's not what's going on here?

If you are struggling to get people to accept an outright "No", could you try and sometimes deflect them to something you can have/want? That way they feel they are providing (and will therefore not ask further) but the stuff is not going to waste.

So if youre at a cafe and are offered a coffee, respond with "No thanks, could I have a tea/water/juice/coke though, please?"; if they want to order you a full meal, "No thanks, I'm not that hungry, I'd rather just have XYZ"

When I was last being careful about what I was eating I was shocked at the amount of stuff that I ate just to be polite. I don't even like biscuits but I would always take one when offered so as not to offend. For me it was quite good to get in the way of not giving an excuse as to why I wasn't taking it. So just end your sentence at No thank you and be firm.

This is my Mum to a tee. Ignores anything that doesn’t suit her to hear.

Colleague at work asked me if I wanted something from bakery next door. I said yes thank you and told her what I wanted.

Her: 'I'm getting a vegan sausage roll, I'll get you that instead it's good for you
Me: No that's ok thanks I'll stick to what I wanted
Her: No just have the vegan roll why don't you want it they're nice.
Me: Remained in calm silence till her words trailed away.

If I want a fucking sandwich I'll have one🙄

OP you can say a firm no thank you without being rude. Just firmly.

Wow, I'm sorry you have to deal with that OP! I can only imagine how difficult it is!

It's disgusting that they don't take your preferences into account, let alone your illness :(

I started the keto diet about a month ago and I have had moment where extended family have bought us junk food, I just refuse to eat it.

Perhaps you could say no (firmly but politely like others have said) and if they still buy you the thing you said no to, just leave it in clear sight without touching a single piece. Maybe one day they'll get the message?

Best of luck, I hope you manage to find a solution!

Get in first with the ‘why are you being so difficult?’ comment.

So as soon as they say ‘blah blah I bought you some [of what you didn’t want] anyway’ you need to be the one that says ‘really? Why are you being so difficult? I clearly told you that I didn’t want anyhing’ - they have started to say it because it’s one of those things that when people say it, it’s annoying and difficult to argue against as you’ve found to your cost, not least because it automatically implies the person saying it is being reasonable (even if they’re not).

If you use it first, puts them on the back foot. And if they say no you’re being difficult you get the upper hand to say that they are now being childish and unreasonable and that what they really meant to say was obviously ‘sorry LBfan for buying exactly what I was asked not to, I won’t do it again’.

My sister does this. It's sabotage usually. She's always trying to feed me in the hope I'll remain fatter than her - It's insane!

When I was younger and had lower self esteem it worked. It drives her mad now when I say "no I don't want it." Really bluntly. She still might put something out to "share", will tell me I "have to taste" this, or will leave most of her own portion and push it towards me saying "I'm done, feel free to have some" but I simply stand firm (even if I want to devour whatever she's offering )

Being blunt and following through has definitely had an impact, she does take no for an answer more these days.

calmama I think its a combination of just saying no and not feeling the need to justify it and the tone it is said in. She just doesn't care any more if the person she says it to is offended because she feels offended by people not listening to her wishes. There was one great conversation between her and my MIL (who can be very pushy) where MIL was telling my mum she 'absolutely must do x' and the look on MIL's face when my mum employed her firm 'no' was an absolute picture but the world didn't end!

This especially annoys me when ordering drinks, if, as I usually do, I order a fruit juice or water, someone will usually say Come on, have a proper drink. I'm sorely tempted to reply It's not necessary to be a raging alcoholic to enjoy oneself.

This really winds me up , ultimately because I feel it's quite controlling. My personal choices are absolutely noones business and the amazing thing is people who do this are quick the whinge that the refuser is being "rude".

Whether people agree or not is irrelevant but I do intermittent fasting and I eat keto, I dont go on about it but I do often have to explain I dont eat sugar etc. So many times someone will insist on getting me something "as a treat" or bang on about how what they have bought for me is " healthy". Not to me it's not. I avoid prosletyzing about sugar and its effect because I don't want to be that born again militant. However it's fine for someone else to force their beliefs on me.

I drink black coffee when I'm fasting and I never touch milk but the amount of people who know this then get me a coffee with milk in it and promptly whinge that I am being "rude" by not drinking it because it's just a bit of milk really pisses me off. I dont expect anyone to agree with my beliefs but why is it ok to have a go at me for refusing something I choose not to put in my body??

To be honest I put people like this in the same category as I do the rescuers who insist on over involving themselves in other peoples business....its always about their own issues , they either have issues with food or drink themselves , or they identify as a "nice" person without putting the effort in to realise that being a truly decent person includes respecting other peoples boundaries (which is much harder work.....its far lazier and selfish to pretend to be nice by pushing your own beliefs and making random gestures to satisfy your own need for validation)

If they ignored what I sad and got your something you said no too, i'd reiterate that id said no, and not take it/take it and put it in the bin to make a point.

PP have been right, its about being firm

@Itstheprinciple She sounds like my kind of woman! Yes, I think not trying to justify your answer is key. Anything beyond a “no” gives people too much to argue with.

My dad was a frail little physically disabled man and often ended up with bossy people pushing food on to him. He was pretty assertive though:

Person: Do you want cake to go with your coffee?
Dad: No thanks, just the drink.
Person: But you need building up.
Dad: No, no, I'm not hungry, really, just the coffee will do me.
Person coming back from counter: I've got you a bit of cake anyway, just try it!
Dad: Well you've wasted yer bloody money then!