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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get married first?

81 replies

oldbeforem · 11/03/2020 13:26

I recently got engaged and am starting to think about dates / planning.

A good friend (I am her bridesmaid and she will be mine) got engaged last November and is getting married next summer.

We don't want to wait until after their wedding to get married as it's a long wait - however would you be annoyed if your good friend got engaged after you and got married before?

And what if their wedding ended up being s month / 6 weeks before?

OP posts:
CoolcoolcoolcoolcoolNoDoubt · 11/03/2020 15:19

@AnneLovesGilbert Because when my friends get married, it tends to dominate all of our conversations and meet ups for a year or longer, however long the run up is, and I wouldn't have to juggle that whilst trying to plan my own wedding.

Didn't say anything about bagsying a year?

OchonAgusOchonO · 11/03/2020 15:20

If one of my close friends was to get engaged and planned their wedding before mine happens, I wouldn't be as involved as I would otherwise have been, and would be a bit annoyed, although I'm non-confrontational so wouldn't make my feelings known.

This seems a bit self-absorbed. You've been engaged for a while, won't be getting married for another 18 months and yet you expect nobody else to get married in what is, presumably, at least a two-year period. If you got engaged and married within 6 months, you might have an argument but with that length of time, you are being ridiculous. In my experience, friendship groups seem to get married around the same time. I know around the time we got married, we were going to several weddings a year for a few years. So long as they're not within a few weeks of one another, there is no issue.

OP - I would say 4-6 weeks is a bit close if you have a lot of friends in common. If you went 2-3 months beforehand, that would be fine.

CoolcoolcoolcoolcoolNoDoubt · 11/03/2020 15:20

*wouldn't want to have to juggle

Covert19 · 11/03/2020 15:21

I think you should avoid the six months prior to your friend's wedding, and the six months afterwards, so that her planning phase isn't interrupted by your wedding, and all of your mutual friends can focus entirely on the exciting build-up to her big day. For the six months afterwards, her guests will want to be basking in the afterglow of her special day, and not wanting to be bothered with thinking about your wedding.

Actually, I don't think this. Crack on with your own plans, in whatever way best suits you.

CoolcoolcoolcoolcoolNoDoubt · 11/03/2020 15:22

@OchonAgusOchonO you have no idea why we've had a long engagement, but thanks for calling me ridiculous and self absorbed Smile

Original poster
oldbeforem · 11/03/2020 15:23

Thanks @OchonAgusOchonO - there's probably only about 10 - 15 people max that would be going to both.

But I worry she may feel like @CoolcoolcoolcoolcoolNoDoubt

I don't need her or anyone else to be involved in the planning or expect my wedding (or hers) to dominate our lives in the lead up.

I say 6 weeks before as I know that's when the venue we want is available - but I also know she wants two hens and that may clash.

I guess I will need to ask her!

OP posts:
Notgoodatchoosingnames · 11/03/2020 15:24

A good friend of mine planned her wedding in a short period of time for a month before my wedding, then another friend in the same friendship group planned hers for 2 weeks before. I honestly can't say either bothered me or changed anything about my wedding.
But people are strange. if you're close then maybe mention it x

FedUpOfAdulting · 11/03/2020 15:25

As others have said, not a problem doing it before but if it was me, I'd make sure it was at least 3 months before so as not to clash with/over shadow her hen party and final planning excitement.

Original poster
oldbeforem · 11/03/2020 15:26

@Covert19 haha - I think some brides really feel that way.

Personally I think a wedding is only really a huge deal to the couple and immediate family. To most people, it's just a day out!

OP posts:
BrimfulofSasha · 11/03/2020 15:26

Do people really worry about this stuff?

caperplips · 11/03/2020 15:27

This happened to friends of ours - they got engaged in March and planned the wedding for December of the same year. Mutual friends got engaged in April and got married in November - they got a cancellation in the same venue!

The November bride spent a large portion of her own wedding telling the december bride all the things the venue had done wrong DURING the wedding party! December bride was pissed off and stressed by the end of the party.

And they announced their engagement at friends wedding!

I think you need to leave a longer gap, particularly if you have cross-over friends who may not want to go to 2 weddings in 4 weeks (work / childcare / travel / expense etc )

SudokuQueen · 11/03/2020 15:27

She wants two hen parties? Shock

I'll be very surprised if she will be happy about your wedding being before hers. If she's that kind of person that wants two hen parties, bridezilla is about to descend.

whitershadeofpale · 11/03/2020 15:28

I think next summer is far enough away that it's ok, but you need at least a 2 month gap and nothing too similar or it will look as if you've tried to steal her thunder.

My DF and I got engaged in December and are getting married in October, his DS was already engaged and had he wedding booked for August. Keeping the dates separate was a consideration as we didn't want people to have to travel twice and the two days will be very different. We also asked FDSIL if she objected to us sending invitations out first (we haven't done save the dates as it's quite short notice). No one was unreasonable but it just seemed like courtesy and good manners.

OchonAgusOchonO · 11/03/2020 15:31

@CoolcoolcoolcoolcoolNoDoubt - you have no idea why we've had a long engagement, but thanks for calling me ridiculous and self absorbed

Why you are having a long engagement is irrelevant. Expecting nobody else to get married during that long engagement is, in my opinion, ridiculous and self-absorbed.

Andtwomakesix · 11/03/2020 15:32

No, I dont think anyone can be annoyed if its on a different date. If you share friends coming to hen dos I'd make sure you work those dates out together to avoid clashes and also not plan expensive parties or people may go to the first hen do and then not the second because of expense.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 11/03/2020 15:33

I think 6 weeks after would be fairer than 6 weeks before.

MyTwoPence · 11/03/2020 15:38

You've had some really strange responses here, a month before is absolutely fine. Most people prefer to get married in the summer and there are age periods when people are more likely to get married so weddings often are clustered together and it's quite common to have more than one wedding in a single summer from a single friendship group.

The only caveats to that would be if you're both planning holidays abroad/requiring significant travel - then you should give more space between as getting vacation time is more likely to be an issue for the shared guests. Or you want to use the same venue, in which case you probably should leave it until after her wedding

I wouldn't even ask her about it tbh. Doing so legitimises her objecting, when actually her objecting is complete bridezilla territory. A hen comes far below a wedding in priority, unless she's already set the date for it, she can schedule her hen around your wedding.

Darkstar4855 · 11/03/2020 15:40

So long as yours isn’t the same day then fine. People get waaay over-invested in weddings these days.

okiedokieme · 11/03/2020 15:41

It's fine, you need to go with a date that works for you. Some people have really long engagements (Personally I think anything more than 3 months is excessive!)

VegetableMunge · 11/03/2020 15:44

She doesn't own 2020. But make sure you're a few weeks away from her date to give mutual guests plenty of chance to sort leave, recover etc. Six weeks is ample.

bubblesforlife · 11/03/2020 15:46

I wouldn't like it personally, as you both deserve to have the time for each other as your both bridesmaids for each other.

We can pretend that everyone is laid back and reasonable.. but that's 99% not the case. So, I would imagine bridewars would more than likely, even though unintentionally happen. Too much competition.

Space it out at least 2 months. Would having yours after be too much?

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/03/2020 15:47

I would imagine bridewars

Dear god.

daisyjgrey · 11/03/2020 15:47

So you don't want to wait until after hers but you're happy to wait until a month/6 weeks before hers? That's a bit twattish.

SudokuQueen · 11/03/2020 15:49

Personally I think anything more than 3 months is excessive

Really? Any engagement longer than 3 months is too long? Confused You'd not manage to get many places decent to get married in other than if you're lucky and they've had cancellations. Plus then booking photographer, band, cake etc. That's a lot to organise in just 3 months. Yeah you could do it but it wouldn't be a wedding all brides and grooms would want. Plus some of us have to save money up and pay over a long time. We don't all have thousands just sitting around in the bank for a wedding.

JustInCaseCakeHappens · 11/03/2020 15:53

Happens a lot. Just don't get married the weekend before!

That said, one of DH best men got engaged after us, and got married the weekend before us. It was good fun, but they were friends, not the weird passive aggressive enemies you see on MN. I personally quite like having a party just before going away for my own wedding!

Might not be appreciated by every, so better be safe.

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