WIBU - One Sided Friendship

[reginaphalange101]

I'll try to keep this short

I think I have a 'fair weather friend' - let's call her Julie. We have been friends for a couple of years now through work, and I'm starting to feel like the effort only comes from my side.

She is regularly in grumpy moods, probably 5/6 days a week. She has always been this way and I have always been supportive and tried to cheer her up. I pick her up and take her out for coffee or buy her foods she likes, or she asks for my food which is actually my lunch... I listen to her and talk to her for hours on end about her problems, or oblige when she's in 'one of those moods' and doesn't want to talk to me. I am there at her beck and call all of the time and quite honestly it can be a little draining. This has been ongoing throughout our 'friendship'.

I would do this sort of thing for any of my friends, but on some level I'd like to know if I ever needed someone, they'd be there for me too.

I am 17 weeks pregnant now and have taken a hit from the hormones over the last few months! When I've had the odd mood swing and felt a bit down, I tried to speak to her and all she would reply is 'ahh x' if she replied at all. She's been popping out to the shops on her lunch break and I've asked if she could pick me up a sandwich whilst there, she refuses. Lately I've been making conversation with her and get one or two word answers at most. I feel like our friendship has run its course and I've been a bit used.

She is having a birthday meal this weekend and quite frankly, I don't want to go. We are hardly speaking anymore as it is and I don't want to waste money on someone who doesn't treat me very nicely.

WIBU not to go? And if so, what can I say to respectfully decline?

Thanks

She sounds like a user. I'd trust my gut and make some excuse not to go and let the friendship fizzle out.

Don’t go and drop her ‘friendship’, she’s a user.

Bow out gracefully now, say you’re not feeling well & need a weekend to recuperate. Then don’t contact her again, you need friends who are there for you!

This friendship will fizzle out quick as soon as you stop making the effort. Now you are pregnant she can see the perks/your "friend" usefulness coming to an end shortly as your priority shifts to baby.
How did you get the invite for bday dinner? Is it going to be a big party or just a few people? Have you already said you'd go?
It sounds like she probably wouldn't even care whether you go or not so you could probably make any excuse you like and stay home to have a nice relaxing night to yourself or with your baby daddy!

My DP has said very similar and doesn't appreciate how she treats me. I haven't posted a majority of examples as they could be outing, but I really don't get anything out of the friendship so I know I need to stop all effort. I've not messaged her this week and heard absolutely nothing from her, despite having my gender scan which she hasn't even asked about.

I think I need to make my excuses and just fade out don't I

She asks for your lunch???? Absolutely not , shes using you , walk away

Does she have kids of her own?
The only thing that would make this behaviour at all understandable is if she had fertility problems and was struggling with the fact you're pregnant.
Bar that, I'd say stop doing anything for her and pull away. You can't be putting so much energy into someone who doesn't give it back.

@herbie01 it was arranged about a month ago and I did say I'd go and somehow got lumbered with picking up and paying for a cake and decorations for her as none of her other friends can be bothered to do it. I have said I'll go, but I'm feeling some heartburn coming on

@Shinyletsbebadguys yes, she always complains she has headaches and needs food then asks what I have, she then comes over and takes her pick of my food. I'm a pushover aren't I

Don’t even make excuses, just don’t Initiate contact with her again and if she contacts you, make a polite excuse without too much information (no thanks, don’t feel like it, other plans).

@MySonIsAlsoNamedBort she doesn't have kids and is very much enjoying the single life, perhaps we just don't have anything in common anymore and she's got as much as she can from me and is now bored?

You’ve paid for her CAKE?! Please tell me you haven’t already done this!! She’s a total user OP, don’t even make an excuse- be honest! She’s treating you like shit!!

OP she sounds horrendous.

I hope you haven't paid for the cake

Why did you choose to spend time day in day out with someone whose company was so unpleasant? Sounds like it was a mistake to even become “friends” with her.

Don’t go to the bday celebration. Drop her. Work on your “filter” for acquaintances and friends.

Also, you didn’t “somehow get lumbered with” the expense and hassle of the cake etc: you made a choice for that to happen. You had and still have other choices! Suggest telling any attendees you know that you won’t now be attending the event and won’t be supplying the items.

Definitely fade out, life is too short to use up energy on people who don't deserve or appreciate you.

If someone can't even be bothered to grab you a sandwich when they are going to the shop anyway, they aren't your friend. I can't think of any reason why someone wouldn't do this, especially if the friend asking is pregnant.

I wouldn't go to the meal personally.

She doesn't sound very nice, I would stop trying to please her and let the friendship fizzle out.

What I don't understand is....

I pick her up and take her out for coffee or buy her foods she likes, or she asks for my food which is actually my lunch... blush I listen to her and talk to her for hours on end about her problems, or oblige when she's in 'one of those moods' and doesn't want to talk to me

Why be like this with someone you've only known for 2 years. That's more of an acquaintance than a friend. I do lots for my best friend but I've known her for 45 years! I just wouldn't get into doing all this stuff with someone who really, after 2 years, is not a friend, she's just someone you know from work.

Cut her off. Don't go to the b/d party. Give her your bank details so she can pay you back for the cake. Distance yourself.

I've not paid for the cake yet, our mutual friend at work is also going to the meal and asked me to sort decs and cake because no one else will bother and she doesn't have time. In hindsight I am a pushover but I felt bad saying no because if no one does it then no effort is made. I'm a huge people pleaser, I can't help it

I don't think 2 years is a short space of time, but I suppose I let it go on for so long because I felt like she needed someone to lean on without realising that it would be for the duration of our friendship

I think I'll make my excuses not to go and phase this out before I make more of a muppet of myself!

because no one else will bother

Do you think maybe that no one else will bother because this woman is a pain in the arse to everyone? Tell "friend" that a family situation has come up and let mutual know that you won't be going, make it clear now that you won't be attending, don't leave it until the last minute worrying yourself about this woman and then feeling guilty over cakes and decorations for this user. Rip the plaster off now OP.

Oh dear, it would be dreadful if you developed something that laid you low, made worse by your pregnancy. That would mean you wouldn't be able to pick up the cake or go....

This 'friendship' will drift very easily if you let it.

I think I'll make my excuses not to go and phase this out before I make more of a muppet of myself!

Do that and tell the rest of them sort the cake and decorations themselves. Come on woman, get yourself a backbone!

Bail out now. Tell the mutual friend you aren't able to attend so she can sort the cake (or asked someone else to).