WIBU - One Sided Friendship

[reginaphalange101]

I'll try to keep this short

I think I have a 'fair weather friend' - let's call her Julie. We have been friends for a couple of years now through work, and I'm starting to feel like the effort only comes from my side.

She is regularly in grumpy moods, probably 5/6 days a week. She has always been this way and I have always been supportive and tried to cheer her up. I pick her up and take her out for coffee or buy her foods she likes, or she asks for my food which is actually my lunch... I listen to her and talk to her for hours on end about her problems, or oblige when she's in 'one of those moods' and doesn't want to talk to me. I am there at her beck and call all of the time and quite honestly it can be a little draining. This has been ongoing throughout our 'friendship'.

I would do this sort of thing for any of my friends, but on some level I'd like to know if I ever needed someone, they'd be there for me too.

I am 17 weeks pregnant now and have taken a hit from the hormones over the last few months! When I've had the odd mood swing and felt a bit down, I tried to speak to her and all she would reply is 'ahh x' if she replied at all. She's been popping out to the shops on her lunch break and I've asked if she could pick me up a sandwich whilst there, she refuses. Lately I've been making conversation with her and get one or two word answers at most. I feel like our friendship has run its course and I've been a bit used.

She is having a birthday meal this weekend and quite frankly, I don't want to go. We are hardly speaking anymore as it is and I don't want to waste money on someone who doesn't treat me very nicely.

WIBU not to go? And if so, what can I say to respectfully decline?

Thanks

She sounds dreadful. What on earth are her reasons for refusing to get you a sandwich from the shop she's going to anyway? I can't understand how she could be so rude! Sounds like she's just used to getting her own way and pleasing herself. She doesn't know how to be a friend and you're definitely best off out of it.

She sounds horrible. Think of it like this: if your child sees unhealthy relationships, he/she will think that's normal. Model good relationships and friendships for the baby, and dump this one in advance.

When she refuses to get you a sandwich or whatever at lunch, what does she say?

I feel like our friendship has run its course and I've been a bit used.

and I don't want to waste money on someone who doesn't treat me very nicely.

Sounds like you’re already clear.

@TheReluctantCountess I was feeling a bit naff and tired that day so when she said she was going to the shop I asked her to grab me a sandwich. She said nah, I'm not coming straight back and have loads of places to go.

On a separate occasion she was going to subway and I asked if she'd mind picking me up one too. She said no because 'it'll be cold by the time I get back, get Uber eats to deliver you one'. The Uber eats guy would've been stood right by her in the queue and probably followed her back to the office?!' later that afternoon she came and raided the food I had gone out to buy

It's small petty things, but she's asked me to get her things on multiple occasions and I always do. I've never had a friend that would do things like this, I don't know exactly what to say to her to put an end to the 'friendship'

Don't say anything. Just stop running around after her. If she asks for food, say no, etc.

Don't say anything! Just distance yourself.

If she asks you to get her something from the shops, do exactly what she's done to you. "Sorry, I can't, I've got a couple of places to go". or "Sorry, my mind's on other things, I'll probably forget" or "Shove off, you'll never get me anything, why should I?"

She isn't a friend. She is a user who is trying it on.

@HollowTalk I completely agree, to be honest I was giving her the benefit of the doubt because she seemed to always be going through a hard time or having a bad day. I know she has anxiety issues etc but it's often taken out on me and she's always excused by 'just having one of those days again'. I try to be kind to everyone but I'm definitely being taken advantage of. Now to try and think of an excuse to get out of this meal

Thank you for all of your replies, I know full well I'm a wet blanket and it's my own fault for tolerating her behaviour but it was always on the basis that she was having a hard time/one of those days/not feeling well/had a headache etc etc. I've always been kind to people but as noted in my PP I have definitely been taken advantage of in this circumstance. Back bone will be making a reappearance

You're not a wet blanket. You're a thoroughly nice person who is being taken advantage of by a PITA.

Wow she is cheeky! Definitely distance yourself.

It reminds me of someone I used to work with. Another colleague gave him a lift to and from work every day for well over a year. When he got his own car, the man who previously gave him lifts asked for a lift as a one-off, he said no because there was no room in his car. It was just him, and it was a normal four door car. Strange, and very, very cheeky.

OK first of all, cancel the cake. Just don't do anything about it.

Then tell her today that you won't be able to come - that you are sleeping all evening because of the pregnancy and you can't manage a night out. Tell the other woman the same thing.

@Roussette that's really kind of you to say, thank you. It's hard these days because nice people do come last! I'm told quite often one of my best qualities is having a big heart but then it's also one of my worst lol.

@TheReluctantCountess wtf?! That's horrendous, it's hard to understand how some people's brains work!!!

@HollowTalk thank you. I'll give her a message tomorrow. I hate letting people down but I have so much baby stuff to buy and it's a much more worthy cause than someone who doesn't give two shits about me lol

It's good to have a big heart. However, unfortunately, there's some right awful people around who only think of themselves and take take take and it sounds like she's one of those. She isn't worthy of your friendship. (Crikey, that sounds a bit much but you know what I mean)

When it was your last birthday, OP, what did she do? Card? Present? Meal? Cake?

Being “nice” needn’t mean being passive.

Just have a very important emergency that you can't divulge... Tell the other friend she'll have to do the cake....

Then don't do any explanation to her... Just stop doing stuff for her... No listening to her problems /no spending time with her...

If she comes to take your food... Say...

Oi! No I'm eating this, and if you haven't realised I'm growing a baby! Get your own food!!

I've come across quite a few Julies over the years... They move on to someone else tbay can abuse quite quickly.... Their freidnhsios only last a long time with people who tolerate being treated badly....

Don't be that person!!

Enjoy your nice pals!

when you take your food into work take special food for Julie but lace it with strong chilli paste, she's a thief and a cheeky bastard.

Told 'friend' I wouldn't be going to the meal as I wasn't feeling up to it and needed to rest. Other 'friend' now furious as no one else (herself included) can be bothered to make the effort to pick up balloons and cake. Told her I would be prioritising myself over a balloon which didn't go well Sick of things always falling on my shoulders and reevaluating a lot of 'friendships' that are more concerned about a balloon than my health lol.

@reginaphalange101 Good for you! those selfish arses are just reaping what they've sown.

She was using you. Now you are pregnant she senses that dynamic is slipping away from her. She is not a friend but a taker. I suspect she will be moody when you don’t go out with her.

Good for you. When a friend says they don’t feel well, people who care wouldn’t be angry or annoyed.

@AryaStarkWolf thank you!

My group of friends outside of work is so tight knit I could never imagine one of them reacting this way, it would be a 'never mind you can't pick up the balloons, get yourself better, I can pick them up!'

Blooming joke

Well I'm glad you do have good friends like that, I think it helps to see what a good friend is/should be when you can compare a bit. Life is too short to waste on people who don't deserve your time and energy