To think this is a horrible thing to say during an argument?

[Ooooorange]

DH had an argument with his dm over money - she has promised x (very significant) amount to DH and I as a flat deposit, we are beyond grateful for it, but it comes with huge strings attached.

Every time he discusses our tactics with her/how much we want to offer (we are naive FTBs!) she starts saying "well, you use your money then, don't use mine" - she knows this isn't possible, we couldn't save that much ourselves. It's manipulative and controlling

He lost it recently and said look, I don't want a penny, hope you hoard it all for the rest of your life/until you die. She has now accused him of "wishing her dead" and when he obviously denied it, she replied "that's you all over DH! Deny deny deny... Weasel out of everything"

Maybe he needs to buy within his means then and stop talking money with her.

The comment was awful imo.

She doesn't sound great, but neither does your DH based on that. Hopefully he hasn't lost you your deposit.

Surely both comments aren’t very nice?
I think you need to work out if the strings that are attached to it are worth it and worth the arguments

Are you being niave about how much you should offer?

They both sound awful.

The money obviously isn’t going to work out right now. They both need to drop it.

No his comment was awful too - there's history there though and she will dangle it over him and then if he steps a foot out of line, remove it. She and DH's dfather have purportedly been saving it since DH was a child for uni fees, he paid for these himself and has a good job, it all seems about control

Sounds like she would hold the money over you for the rest of your lives. Tell her she can keep it.

What "tactics"

The easy solution is to fund your own adult life, is it not?

Don't take any money. It comes with too many strings and obligations attached.

Don't take three money. Both sets of comments sound out of order tbh.

Don't take the money

It's that simple. As someone said. Live within your own budget.

Not nice, but she's winding him up by offering money in 1st place to her son, then being manipulative about it when - as of course would happen - he tries to discuss the terms with her.

You won't like it as you want him to keep the peace and get the money. I doubt he would have gotten it anyway so, cut your losses and get saving. Whether his response to her goading was horrible or not, fact remains it's her money and you can't depend on it. She's shown you that. & it's best not to be beholden to her I think, as she's just as unpleasant as you feel your man is being.

If you have an argument because you want him to submit to her control just for money, then it may impact your relationship negatively. Live within your means, you'll feel nicer when the 2 of you achieve together, without someone else's games involved.

What @GreenWheat said.
Turn down her ‘offer’.

You will be indebted and tied to her forever if you take this deposit. Save and buy your house without her help.

Do it on your own and then you’re not beholden to anyone and it will be more satisfying. Their relationship doesn’t sound healthy.

The fruit doesn’t fall far from the tree does it?
Tbh, they both sound spiteful.

I wouldn't accept the money. Forget it. You won't be allowed to forget that she paid for part of your property, I can imagine she'll use it to manipulate you/feel guilty etc. Not worth it.

If you accept any money from her she'll have a hold over you until you pay it back. Don't do it.

So she was going to give you money, he said she can keep it until she dies, inferring he’ll get it then anyway...but she’s the bad person?

Pay for your own damn house FGS!

She'd hold that over you forever. Save yourselves.

Don't take her money. You know she would emotionally blackmail you with it forever .
Maybe she'd also demand it back if you didn't dance to her tune.

It's not worth it.
But if you want it then take it and accept she will always act like she owns you.

Op I've had money used to controll me most of my life, it was so liberating taking control and saying thanks for the offer but no thanks il do it myself. Sister on the other hand accept the money and is always being reminded controlled by it. The only way to stop it is to put your foot down and do not take the money.

Do it on your own and then you’re not beholden to anyone and it will be more satisfying. Their relationship doesn’t sound healthy.

Yep, sorry, agree with this.

Why are you agreeing to take her money? Don’t. If you can’t afford to buy then you can’t afford to buy...

Time to act like grown ups and stop waiting for hand-outs.