To think this is a horrible thing to say during an argument?

[Ooooorange]

DH had an argument with his dm over money - she has promised x (very significant) amount to DH and I as a flat deposit, we are beyond grateful for it, but it comes with huge strings attached.

Every time he discusses our tactics with her/how much we want to offer (we are naive FTBs!) she starts saying "well, you use your money then, don't use mine" - she knows this isn't possible, we couldn't save that much ourselves. It's manipulative and controlling

He lost it recently and said look, I don't want a penny, hope you hoard it all for the rest of your life/until you die. She has now accused him of "wishing her dead" and when he obviously denied it, she replied "that's you all over DH! Deny deny deny... Weasel out of everything"

Just suggest to him he walks away from the money. Try and sort something yourself, don’t discuss it again with his parents b

Taking money off your parents never leads to any good. It always ruins the relationship

Always? Rubbish! My parents helped us financial to a very significant extent, including 90% of our wedding and 80% of our house deposit.

I'm very grateful, and it hasn't changed our relationship at all. We're very close.

Taking money, especially large amounts, from relatives only works if there are no strings attached. I would think long and hard about this OP.

Noone gives someone money without any conditions

So do, they really do.

"Some" not so

You can’t really take her money can you? It will forever be tainted with that horrible row, let alone her perpetual interference and remarks on how you spent it.

Save yourselves the nightmare and just save up yourselves.

It's not clear to me whose comment you are saying is awful? Neither your DH or his mother sound very nice TBH

So what strings are attached? How does she want you to spend it? Just curious - I don’t understand what “tactics” you’re using that she might deem an inappropriate use of her money, having offered it to use as a flat deposit?

Is she hopelessly out of date regarding market value, or want you to buy 2 min from her house, or buy somewhere with a large spare room for her to move into, or what?

Ps 6 of one and half a dozen of the other...

Yes. What he said was horrible.

Both horrible but money brings out the worst in people ... my husband and I have really average jobs but saved our butts off to buy our first tiny house alone and then emigrate rather than take anyone elses money in my opinion its just not worth it

I honestly don't understand why grown adults need deposits and such from their parents

Then I can only assume you’re obnoxiously rich, obnoxiously sheltered, or obnoxiously out of touch due to to your age. Or maybe all three?

She might have worked hard and saved?

She and DH's dfather have purportedly been saving it since DH was a child for uni fees, he paid for these himself

Reading that Ooooorange made me wonder if you and your DH will ever see this money. If you have saved for university fees which then are not needed, the obvious thing to do is to offer a deposit for a house.

Neither of them come out well from this exchange but I think it would be a lot less stressful for you both if you looked for an alternative like moving to a cheaper part of the country or investigating shared ownership.

I can really see his frustrations here. He could have handled it better but I would take exception to being treated like a 5 year old after getting money for christmas.

I don't think DH meant go and die. Just reacted sharply to someone being difficult, and suggested she keep it to herself with no real use for it.

OP, your mother is 10/10 unreasonable. If she wants to be kind, be kind. If not, then she shouldn't. No harm done. The idea that she can dangle this money and retain a large degree of control is ridiculous.

Your DH is 2/10 unreasonable for losing his rag. I think you and your DH need a united message to DM to say that you would be delighted and grateful for any gift, and it would be put to very good use. But if there is some kind of mothers veto built in, or conditions etc. then again, although we're extremely grateful, we will manage on our own. If that means delaying the purchase, then so be it. A polite, and decent way to basically say, if you're going to be all controlling about it, shove it up your jumper.

Your h said the RIGHT thing to someone who is CLEARLY going to make you jump through hoops and play with the strings attached so much you’ll be skipping like a school kid!

DONT TAKE THIS MONEY OR YOU WILL REGRET IT EVERY DAY OF YOUR LIVES

Has she always been narcissistic, manipulative and controlling?

I would listen to her advice. It's easy to over offer when it's not your money. You both sound young and your husband extremely immature.

there's history there though and she will dangle it over him and then if he steps a foot out of line, remove it.

Whenever anyone does this even once is the sign that you never accept anything from them no matter how much they want you to because it will be so that they control you.

It’s a power game. 100%.

Don’t play.

Why did your DH pay for his own University fees, if his Parents supposedly had them saved?

I think like the fees, this money will never happen.

I'd distance yourselves, not because of the money, but the manipulation and being let down.

If the area is too expensive and it's possible, research jobs in cheaper areas and let them know. Don't hesitate to relocate.

I love giving my adult son money. I feel that I’m really unusual when I read threads here. I save and give. And repeat.

Your DH sounds awful

lol - standard MN reply to anyone with a husband. Now, what was the issue again?

Can't blame him for getting frustrated - not the first time but hopefully this will be the last.