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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think this is a horrible thing to say during an argument?

71 replies

Ooooorange · 10/03/2020 17:17

DH had an argument with his dm over money - she has promised x (very significant) amount to DH and I as a flat deposit, we are beyond grateful for it, but it comes with huge strings attached.

Every time he discusses our tactics with her/how much we want to offer (we are naive FTBs!) she starts saying "well, you use your money then, don't use mine" - she knows this isn't possible, we couldn't save that much ourselves. It's manipulative and controlling

He lost it recently and said look, I don't want a penny, hope you hoard it all for the rest of your life/until you die. She has now accused him of "wishing her dead" and when he obviously denied it, she replied "that's you all over DH! Deny deny deny... Weasel out of everything"

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 10/03/2020 18:50

Turn the money down. She doesn’t want to give it to you anyway; and if she does, she’s going to use it as a hold over you forever more.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 10/03/2020 18:52

I really wouldn't take any money, OP. It'll be a millstone in the long term.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 10/03/2020 19:16

The easy solution is to fund your own adult life, is it not?

It was the ‘is it not?’ bit that really made my eyes roll.

Windyatthebeach · 10/03/2020 19:19

Do you want dm's choice of furniture /furnishings in it? Her in the spare room whenever the fancy takes her?
Buy your own place or rent op..

Merryoldgoat · 10/03/2020 19:21

You’d be an idiot to take that money.

My PIL gave us a massive (to us!) amount for our deposit.

They’ve literally never mentioned it. We asked if they wanted it back when we moved as we’d made quite a bit of equity and they were horrified.

Cyborgfeminist · 10/03/2020 19:32

Ooh, I’ve known one of these.

Don’t take the money. She’s obviously using it as a way to control DH now and she hasn’t even given it away yet. If/when she does finally give you the money, the control won’t end. She’ll be scrutinising everything you do in/buy for the house and making it about her and her gift.

I can understand giving money and saying ‘this is for a house deposit’, i.e. not to spend on holidays/beer/etc., but beyond that sort of thing I don’t think people should give money with strings attached. It’s not a gift in that situation, it’s control disguised as a gift

sunshineANDsweetpeas · 10/03/2020 20:34

The easiest thing to do is not to ever accept any assistance from her, every time she offers simply say 'thanks, but no thanks'

BumbleBeee69 · 10/03/2020 20:53

So she offers... then tries to withdraw when you chose to do something she doesn't like ... I'd tell her to ram her Cash up her Arse.... If a man were doing this to a woman, it would be getting described as manipulative controlling behaviour... but because it's his Mother it's deemed acceptable to some people.. I don't believe she EVER intended to give him any money... it was a way of controlling him... don't accept a penny... Save your own money... if it takes years then it takes years... be beholden to NOBODY... ever 🌺

PanicAndRun · 10/03/2020 21:17

Every time he discusses our tactics with her/how much we want to offer (we are naive FTBs!)

Does she actually know what she's talking about when you don't? She'd still be petty but it's different when it comes from a place of knowledge and concern that an expensive mistake could be made.

Being petty and talking bollocks would make it 100 times worse and a definite "thanks ,but no thanks".

Mum (lives in Europe and never left her country until 8 years ago) keeps trying to give me advice about my life in England. It always starts with " I've read on the internet/Fb..."

TheWordmeister · 10/03/2020 21:19

Your dh sounds awful.

FortunesFave · 10/03/2020 21:23

So she hasn't actually given the money? What was the plan? That you'd find something and then she'd give it?

Sounds a bit vague to me....especially now she's saying things like "use your own money"

When you discuss tactics,...is that when you've seen something you;d like to put an offer on? And then she's scuppering it?

madcatladyforever · 10/03/2020 21:24

Taking money off your parents never leads to any good. It always ruins the relationship,

BumbleBeee69 · 10/03/2020 21:25

Mum (lives in Europe and never left her country until 8 years ago) keeps trying to give me advice about my life in England. It always starts with " I've read on the internet/Fb..."

this made me laugh... bless your Mum 😂

SomeoneElseEntirelyNow · 10/03/2020 21:29

Every time he discusses our tactics with her/how much we want to offer (we are naive FTBs!)

I was in this position last year - my parents were helping us out with a deposit and we kept making (or wanting to make) choices that they completely disagreed with. Guess what? They were right, every single time! Buying for the first time is a minefield and experience counts for everything. I'd say listen to your MiL, and tell your husband not to be such a dick, or go off and make whatever mistakes you want with your own money.

ffswhatnext · 10/03/2020 21:29

Tactics, as in trying to work out ways to get the cash?

But anyway walk away from it. A gift shouldn’t come with conditions.

There’s also the possibility that the money doesn’t exist 🤣

If it was to be loaned, the mortgage company might not like it anyway.

Daftodil · 10/03/2020 21:49

If she wanted to to have the money, you'd have it by now. She doesn't, so you don't.

Both comments were unkind. If your DH wants to salvage the relationship, he should apologise and say "I don't want this money to become the cause of arguments. Thanks for the offer, but I think it's better if we plan according to the money we have in the bank, as that's what we can rely on. We can't keep doing the same dance about money as it isnt getting us anywhere. "

VodselForDinner · 10/03/2020 21:52

He sounds like a child.

Support yourselves.

“Tactics” FFS

maa1992 · 10/03/2020 21:57

This is why I'd never expect money from a parent, even if they offer... it's as though they have a hold on you, you can't rely on anyone but yourselves. I'd stay within my means.

Yes I do think it's horrible to say considering she doesn't HAVE to give him her money

ChillinInMyBacta · 10/03/2020 21:58

They have a history regarding money being transactional. It's basically the home version of parents taking over a Wedding because they paid for it.
Make your own choices and don't be beholden.

Papoy · 10/03/2020 22:01

She is giving you money so he should expect her to have a say about it and if she is a controling person then she will use it. If you dont like it, dont use her money or suck it up now and rest of your life, because she will use that all the time.

Noone gives someone money without any conditions... it changes even the best relationships.

Fund your own life and be an adult, otherwise you are always in debt to someone... and i assure you, you wouldnt want your house to be built on those problems....

Mrsm010918 · 10/03/2020 22:02

You could just save it yourselves, it just means it'll take longer.

There's always ways to cut back and save an extra 20 or 30 a month which soon adds up. I'd rather do that than have the money held over my head.

My DH agreed a gift deposit from his parents without discussing it with me first and it's always there like an axe waiting to drop so I'm speaking from experience

wildcherries · 10/03/2020 22:07

You shouldn't take money from family when there are clear strings attached. It never ends well and has already gone wrong. Your DH was out of line. He should apologise.

Pinkyyy · 10/03/2020 22:09

Oh god no don't take a penny from this woman. First of all you're grown adults and shouldn't be expecting his parents to pay for you, second of all it's a recipe for disaster.

Dieu · 10/03/2020 22:11

I honestly don't understand why grown adults need deposits and such from their parents.

PenelopeFlintstone · 10/03/2020 22:13

Every time he discusses our tactics with her/how much we want to offer (we are naive FTBs!)
I agree with Someoneelseentirelynow. You should probably listen to them. Nobody who gives you money wants to see you throw it away, especially after they’ve saved to provide it for you. It doesn’t make them controlling.