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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to confront mil over this?

78 replies

notanothermil · 10/03/2020 15:22

We have a fractured relationship I have name changed

Would you be cross if your baby came back walked home in a pram with a vest on not done up no trousers and just a blanket on them? They were asleep. She had put him to sleep like that in his buggy

I gave her a huge bib apron thing that takes approx 3 seconds to put on and doesn't pull over their head

My son was fully dressed when he went there

I gave her a change of clothes in his nappy bag

Went to look under pram and see this ...

Would you say something??

OP posts:
SunlightBlazing · 10/03/2020 15:27

there's a backstory, so you may not BU

but based on this one example YABU - kids get filthy, occasional carers don't always remeber about bibs/spare clothes, unless he was actually way too cold etc, i wouldn't say anything

WwfLeopard · 10/03/2020 15:29

YABU, look after your own kid if you don’t like how MIL does

mauvaisereputation · 10/03/2020 15:31

Yes that's not accepable. It's way too cold to go out in just a vest and blanket, assuming you're in the UK. And unacceptable for her not to change soiled clothes. If you are likely to let her look after your DBaby again then yes I would definitely raise this. I would be reluctant to let her have the DBaby again tbh, if you have any alternatives.

Original poster
notanothermil · 10/03/2020 15:32

There is a back story and my husband won't see them 😭 I try to let her see the kids when i can
She's not child care I am facilitating her seeing them

When she has them she regularly sends them home in a horrible old outfit she bought and keeps their matching clean and new clothes I buy them

I feel disrespected

Especially because he had no trousers on coming home just bare legs

OP posts:
mauvaisereputation · 10/03/2020 15:33

And I don't agree with comments saying "if you don't agree with how she's doing it then look after the baby yourself." If you agree to care for a child then you agree to do it properly. It doesn't give you carte blanche to do whatever you feel like just because you're not being paid. If you don't want to care for a child adequately, don't agree to care for the child.

Original poster
notanothermil · 10/03/2020 15:34

I gave her a zip up outfit to change him into and he came home in a blue vest too smal for him not done up no trousers on and a blanket semi covering him

I live about 4 minutes walk
It's so windy here and it is raining and cold
Am in the uk

It's not so much the fact he had filthy clothes under the buggy that she didn't mention it's more he had no clothes on when there was no need for it

OP posts:
LouHotel · 10/03/2020 15:35

Ask for your clothes back that's insane, of our UK base that is way to cold for baby so I wouldn't facilitate contact your not present for. X

Dreamersandwishers · 10/03/2020 15:36

I would say if your relationship is already fractured, and you don’t want it to worsen, tread lightly.
Absolutely mention that is too cold for your baby to be out undressed; but don’t ‘confront’ and don’t make a fuss about the mess.

If you are looking for a further reason to cut contact, have at it...

LouHotel · 10/03/2020 15:36

Ignore the kiss how un mumsnet like of me.

mauvaisereputation · 10/03/2020 15:39

Oh I see, I thought the dirty tshirt in the picture was the vest he came back in. I wouldn't stress about him getting dirty as it will just be food and will wash out - yes it's annoying she didn't use the apron, but these things happen. I would however be annoyed that she didn't dress him again in clean clothes after getting him undressed, especially taking him outside.

YakkityYakYakYak · 10/03/2020 15:41

What is even on that vest?!

I’d be really upset if my MIL did this (she wouldn’t), mainly because it would make me think she didn’t care about the welfare of her GC.

I really disagree with those who say you don’t get a say when someone else is providing childcare. It’s your child and of course you are going to want to ensure they are cared for properly.

Original poster
notanothermil · 10/03/2020 15:41

@LouHotel I am a wimp how can I ask for them back
I have asked and se always saysshe doesnthave their stuff then it reappears like 5 months later when they out grow it

OP posts:
Travis1 · 10/03/2020 15:42

The dirt not so much the coming home undressed in this weather I'd be raging.

Original poster
notanothermil · 10/03/2020 15:42

I'm upset she brought him back not dressed andalso feel annoyed she didn't use his bib

I've told her about it before because she's done it before with other food
It's banana so it's going to be stained

OP posts:
SnoozyLou · 10/03/2020 15:44

No. I mean, it isn't as cold as it has been but to bring him back like that? No.

Missarad · 10/03/2020 15:47

Tbh my mum would do this why isit a problem. Does she love him and look after him and play with him that's all that matters

Whatsnewpussyhat · 10/03/2020 15:48

Why on earth is she keeping their clothes?
Ask for them back.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 10/03/2020 15:48

You said you feel disrespected, how does your DH feel when you go out of your way to keep his family in touch with his when he doesn't see them?

You don't have to do that. And if I were him I might be annoyed that you are overriding his feelings about his family.

ConkerGame · 10/03/2020 15:49

Why are you facilitating contact without you there? Absolutely no need for it at all! We all loved my grandma but she didn’t look after us without my parents until we were about 7 and could do most stuff for ourselves.

Don’t leave him with her alone!

DartmoorDoughnut · 10/03/2020 15:50

Your DH is no contact with his mother so you should respect his wishes and the fact that she obvs is neglecting your children and go no contact too.

Original poster
notanothermil · 10/03/2020 15:51

She loves them
He is glad and grateful I do it
I think I'll have to be around to do this next time
I don't know why my 3 year old likes her so much I don't think she does anything particularly exciting

She's not old like a grandmother in that sense she's perfectly capable of looking after children

But I just don't think you bring a baby out with no trousers on

OP posts:
coconuttelegraph · 10/03/2020 15:54

If it's 4 minutes walk why not go straight back and ask for the clothes, she can hardly say she hasn't got them if it's a matter of minutes later.

The food wouldn't bother me, my DC often had dirty clothes, it didn't mean I don't love them, just couldn't be bothered with all the washing.

ThunderboltandLightning · 10/03/2020 15:54

The baby was asleep, so the perceived cold clearly wasn't causing concern to them.

I really couldn't get animated about a banana stained vest either. Spray with Vanish, hot wash. If that doesn't work, vests are dirt cheap anyway.

TerrorWig · 10/03/2020 15:57

I would just text a ‘can you drop his clothes off tomorrow please’. Bring it up every time you take him there. ‘Where are his clothes? Why isn’t he dressed? Why have you changed him?’

Or just go back now? Why didn’t you ask while she was dropping him off?

HollowTalk · 10/03/2020 15:58

So she sends your baby back in dirty clothes and keeps the good outer clothes? Does she send him back in his own vest etc?

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