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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to confront mil over this?

78 replies

notanothermil · 10/03/2020 15:22

We have a fractured relationship I have name changed

Would you be cross if your baby came back walked home in a pram with a vest on not done up no trousers and just a blanket on them? They were asleep. She had put him to sleep like that in his buggy

I gave her a huge bib apron thing that takes approx 3 seconds to put on and doesn't pull over their head

My son was fully dressed when he went there

I gave her a change of clothes in his nappy bag

Went to look under pram and see this ...

Would you say something??

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 10/03/2020 15:59

You don't need to 'confront' MIL.

Just ask.

Where are his clothes?

Why isn't he dressed?

averythinline · 10/03/2020 16:02

Why are you trying to make a relationship if her son doesn't want one? I would not be happy with that , bringing him home in that state and only half dressed

wineandroses1 · 10/03/2020 16:04

Op why can't you ask for the clothes back? And why she didn't dress him for the cold walk back home? It would really annoy me if my child's clothes were removed and not returned.

Windyatthebeach · 10/03/2020 16:05

Beware of unsupervised contact when your dh has no contact. If things get worse and you suddenly stop contact she could apply for a court order to have your dc specified times.
Also why has dh saved himself but you want to sacrifice your dc to her?

Back away slowly is my advice.

Iwalkinmyclothing · 10/03/2020 16:05

If he was warm enough and there wasn't the backstory you have I wouldn't mind at all; in your shoes I'd be pissed off and not planning to keep this going

Ouchaheadinmybehind · 10/03/2020 16:06

The baby was asleep, so the perceived cold clearly wasn't causing concern to them.

I really couldn't get animated about a banana stained vest either. Spray with Vanish, hot wash. If that doesn't work, vests are dirt cheap anyway

^totally. They had a blanket over them so doesn’t matter they had no trousers on, whilst not ideal, they were not out in the cold. I would be unhappy about her keeping clothes though, ask for them back.

HouseOfCrayCray · 10/03/2020 16:10

It depends, if if was a big fluffy blanket & he had a raincover over him then I don't think it's a big deal. Was he actually cold when you took him out of the pram? The food is annoying especially when you gave a bib, but I probably wouldn't say anything as it wouldn't be worth it lol.

Lunafortheloveogod · 10/03/2020 16:10

Just keep asking for the clothes back, be blunt.. you bought them you don’t need to buy more unless she hoards them away. Milton takes stains out of whites savers own versions 99p for a massive bottle n I use 1-3 caps in a sink of whites so it lasts ages.

The blanket seems mean when you go outside yourself but they won’t sleep if they’re too cold.. confirmed by ds and the vents draft in his room. Maybe she thought it was better to just bring him home instead of waking him and upsetting him to dress him just to bring him round.

notanurse2017 · 10/03/2020 16:10

Why on earth are you facilitating contact with a woman her own son doesn't want to see?

Mrsm010918 · 10/03/2020 16:12

I wouldn't have thought that level of clothing appropriate in the current weather here, also windy and rain.

If he is not in his clothes when you collect him ask for them then and there, she cant plead ignorance on the same day.

Why is your DH no contact?

Devlesko · 10/03/2020 16:13

I wouldn't have left mine alone with her tbh, and get your clothes back, cf.

TypingoftheDead · 10/03/2020 16:13

Her not giving his clothes back would piss me off, why do that? OK, he wasn't bothered by the outside temperature since he was sleeping, but I don't think that's actually the point.
I don't have any children, but I wouldn't be impressed if they came back in this state, with missing clothes I'D bought, unless there was some good reason.

Needbettername · 10/03/2020 16:14

Just send a text saying popping over now to get the clothes back. And then go get them?!

Atalune · 10/03/2020 16:17

Walk round and ask for the clothes!

Say- oh you didn’t pack their stuff the came in. I’ll have it now thanks. And take it. And if she says she will wash it, say no I’ll take it now. And mean it.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/03/2020 16:17

Please deal with your own FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) here through counselling for your own self.

Stop facilitating her seeing your children, you really do need to follow your H's lead here on this point. If she is too difficult/batshit for you to deal with, its the same deal for your children as well. Why subject your children at all to her if you have a fractured relationship with her yourself?. You would not tolerate this from a friend and your MIL is no different. I would suggest you revise your boundaries upwards.

RandomMess · 10/03/2020 16:20

Arrange to collect the Dc from her and insist on their clothes as well?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/03/2020 16:25

notanothermil

Re your earlier comments:-

"She loves them"

No she does not.

"He is glad and grateful I do it"

Am sure he is because he cannot or equally will not deal with her himself. Your DH is using you as a buffer between his own self and his mother, a woman whom he does not have any contact with. And your own relationship with her is fractured. You need to ask yourself why you have continued to allow your child to have a relationship with her at all. Not all people, let alone relatives, are nice and kind to have around.

"I think I'll have to be around to do this next time"
Yes

"I don't know why my 3 year old likes her so much I don't think she does anything particularly exciting"

Children are often quite indiscriminate in their love which is why they need parents to guide them. Not every person is safe to have around and this is a good time to teach that important life lesson.

Original poster
notanothermil · 10/03/2020 16:27

@AttilaTheMeerkat I think you are right
I will talk to my husband about it

OP posts:
SnoozyLou · 10/03/2020 16:28

Just read back re: the clothes. That's weird. I would go and ask for them.

PineappleTart · 10/03/2020 16:29

Did you not say anything when she came back about how he was dressed? If not then you need to start doing this. Every single time question why they're not in the same clothes and if it keeps happening stop her seeing them

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 10/03/2020 16:31

I don't know how you didn't say anything when she turned up. You must have some self control, because I would be bloody fuming if my child wasn't dressed properly to go out.

ThePlantsitter · 10/03/2020 16:33

Why won't your husband see them? That should tell you all you need to know really.

frazzledasarock · 10/03/2020 16:33

I never understand these threads.

Your husband the actual blood relative and child of this woman refuses to have anything to do with his mother. And yet you see fit to hand over your defenceless little baby to her.

What do you expect the woman to do. Of course she disrespects you. You’re going to behave like a doormat whatever she does, so yes YABU to moan when she mistreats your child. The father of your child wants nothing to do with this woman and you’re playing the martyr handing over your baby to her.

I’m NC with my mother, if my DP handed our child over to her for contact we wouldn’t be together any longer.

coconuttelegraph · 10/03/2020 16:35

Are you going to go and get the clothes back then?

Leaannb · 10/03/2020 16:43

No way in hell would she be watching my children after bringing one of them home not dressed and filthy. Also, your dh is taking a major piss by making you facillitate the grandchildren and grand parent relationship when he refuses to talk to them. Why do you put up with that? Why do you let him use you and your children as a meat shield

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