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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU? Partner with rent

67 replies

NCSJ18 · 10/03/2020 11:34

It's long so bare with me
So since 2018 my OH has not paid his half of the rent on time. We agreed to divide all bills in half
So I was paying the full rent and bills and he would pay me back! He earned roughly 400+ PW I earned 300 fast forward to March 2019 he lost his job so I obv paid everything no complaints no owing etc he got a job in sept 2019 and same again rent day came he wouldn't have full or any so I paid he gave back when he had it! Nov 2019 our son was born so my pay obviously went down! But still rent day nothing so I was left with nothing as I had to pay rent so we wouldn't become homeless..
anyway skip to now! I was paying all bills and only epexcting his half of the rent I thought that was fair enough.. He lost his job in jan20 but he hadn't paid dec19 rent or food bills but I'm refusing to budge that he still owes me money for December and now February/March as he is back in work! He is kicking of somthing rotten as he feels he shouldn't owe anything as we are in a relationship so it's shouldn't be owing! But if that's the case he wouldn't be financially contributing to our house for 3/4 months now ie no food, Rent, etc I was paying all his travel cost, lunches in February and now I really don't think I'm being unreasonable as just because he's my OH does not in-title him to not contribute, he has been talking to his family and he says they feel the same as him that he should NOT owe me anything.
Thankyou for reading this far! Any advise if I am in the wrong please tell me

OP posts:
DamnYouAutoCarrot · 10/03/2020 11:37

I think you're absolutely right! What a major turn off though. He can't keep a job or pay his bills on time? Attractive....

Windyatthebeach · 10/03/2020 11:37

So go let him sponge off his family then..
Seriously you have a dc.
Even my teen ds paid board..
He is a cocklodger and needs gone op.

BlackCatSleeping · 10/03/2020 11:38

What does he spend all his wages on?

With my Ex and I, we always paid an amount proportional to our wages into a pot to cover rent and bills. If he's earning he should be paying. Also, I'm not convinced he's telling the truth about what his family thinks.

HopeYouStepOnALego · 10/03/2020 11:39

He sounds like a loser OP and based on his previous history I wonder why you thought it was a good idea to procreate with him. He sounds like a complete cocklodger. Are there any positives about being with him?

Tyersal · 10/03/2020 11:39

You're not in the wrong. Why are you with this man?

madcatladyforever · 10/03/2020 11:40

He is a cocklodger and has become so used to you paying his way for him that he no longer has any respect for you and expects it.
Looks like he has no particular obligations towards his son either, why does he think this behaviour is ok?
My ex did this and got so used to it that long after we divorced he was still whining about how I should still support him financially despite the fact I am disabled and he is a fit man quite able to work.
My reply is usually too rude to print here.
You need to make it quite clear to him that you expect half on time no matter what or your relationship is over and you don't want to be with him any more otherwise this will just go on and on.
I don't understand how it's ok to be "kept" by your partner and the mother of your child when there is nothing wrong with you physically.
What does he think would happen if you also refused to pay.
You need to get tough about this now or it will never end.

FortunesFave · 10/03/2020 11:42

Wtf? A normal relationship involves splitting the earnings and paying the bills and then sharing what's left over.

Not you paying everything and him 'owing you"

NCSJ18 · 10/03/2020 11:48

Thanks for the replies

OP posts:
NCSJ18 · 10/03/2020 11:53

Just making sure it went on the right post haha
So I'm new to mums net so don't know how to tag
But we agreed to pay half and half as it's what we always done and I knew he wasn't good with money(but not as bad as he actually is) so I agreed
Yes I personally don't think if his family knew the actual ins and outs and he's probably told a lot of BS to them they would most likely take my side but as they have not messaged me about it I'm not going to create a drama where not necessary

But at this moment in time I'm not sure why I'm allowing it maybe cause of our son! I don't know

His wages? I have never knew where they went I got I don't know etc! I know he smokes fags so it's obv expensive to fund? My mum said one time about drugs but I would know as I worked in nightclubs so I have seen plenty drug users and I would know the signs
Thankyou guys again c

OP posts:
Isthistrueor · 10/03/2020 11:57

I’m surprised you chose to have a child with this loser tbh, I was a bit surprised when I read that part... He’s taken the piss for years and he does it because he can get away with it, I’m not sure why you allow it.

Tell him he either pays up or he leaves, he’s what Mumsnet users refer to as a ‘cocklodger’.

Ruby8719 · 10/03/2020 11:57

He’s not a partner he’s a grown man acting like a leaching teenager.

If one of us went through a rough patch and the other could afford it I wouldn’t expect the other to say you owe me £x amount from last year BUT he’s consistently letting you down!!

GabriellaMontez · 10/03/2020 12:02

I'd be rethinking a relationship with a man who not only didn't pay his way, but actively felt he shouldn't have to. That you should fund him.

Ultimatum time.

Does he pay his share of child care?

NCSJ18 · 10/03/2020 12:03

Ruby8719 that's what his argument is is that cause I can afford it etc! But obviously that's my point is it's not a one time thing and he's returned the favour so to speak!
He bring up is DS and BIL as when his BIL diddnt get paid for x amount of time she covered it no hassle no "owing" but when he did he covered the rent that month knowing she had prior and obviously my argument was that mar-sept I did no fuss nor owing but it's just a constant and no returning and I yelled saying your doing it cause you I would cover it and obviously I will cause I don't want my DS to go without food or a home

OP posts:
NCSJ18 · 10/03/2020 12:07

Gabriella Montez
I am lucky enough to not need to pay childcare cost as my manager is really supportive with my hours and I work round his schedule so he has DS while I work

OP posts:
Ruby8719 · 10/03/2020 12:08

@NCSJ18 he’s taking advantage. There’s a difference between a helping hand when times are hard and taking the piss out of your partner, I feel for you!
He should be ashamed that he’s doing that when you have your son to think of as well!

You need to set up a joint account and have and agreed amount that goes in each month for bills, food, rent. He needs to stick to a job and pack in the fags cause they cost a fortune or he can go and live with his family while he grows up!

NCSJ18 · 10/03/2020 12:11

Sorry just re read my son was born 2018 🤣
Can't believe I got that wrong🙈 but the other dates are correct and he was jobless while our DS was only a few months old so I decided to come off mat leave early!

OP posts:
Daftodil · 10/03/2020 12:12

Your salary has gone down due to maternity leave and you are still paying the lion's share of everything? Without a doubt, he should be paying more. Not just that, he should want to contribute more if your wage has depleted, particularly as he expected you to cover him when his wage disappeared. I'm pretty sure you can use his same logic to show that you have less money now on mat leave therefore don't "owe" him a contribution to rent, bills and food...

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 10/03/2020 12:13

Utter cocklodger.

Loser.

Chancer.

Most adults know there is a routine involved in paying rent and bills and KEEPING A JOB.

Why does he keep 'losing' his employment?

3/4 months now ie no food, Rent, etc I was paying all his travel cost, lunches in February

STOP. Seriously.

NCSJ18 · 10/03/2020 12:17

@Ruby8719 I don't think I could do that now as I don't trust him to spend money wisely etc
Which I already know is a red flag 🚩
I have threatened to not pay for stuff but even I know as I'm saying it I won't go through with it as I will not let my son go without so obv that's why he's taking the piss as he knows that too!
I think I'm just stuck!
But he doesn't see anything wrong in him not paying his way!

OP posts:
Sunflowersok · 10/03/2020 12:17

Entitled 🤢 my ex was like this. Thought the world owed them.

Get rid OP, before you get in to debt

NCSJ18 · 10/03/2020 12:20

@Daftodil I came of mat leave 3 1/2 months early as I obviously couldn't afford it
I know it's taking the piss but I needed clarification that I wasn't in the wrong as him always going on about it then last night throwing in while talking about it that his family feel I shouldn't expect it back so to speak!
Just banging my head against a wall atm

OP posts:
Fieldofgreycorn · 10/03/2020 12:25

Hmm tricky one. What are your options going forward? What do you want?

Troels · 10/03/2020 12:26

Good god get rid of him and make a claim on his wages with CMS, he'll have to fund his own life then. You shouldn't be paying his way, he should be funding his chiild.

NCSJ18 · 10/03/2020 12:27

@Sunflowersok
I am already in debt with my water but I have sorted out a payment plan with that..

Just not sure where to go from here atm as I know I'm too soft and don't want to make him homeless by kicking him out as he's lives no where near his family

OP posts:
ffswhatnext · 10/03/2020 12:33

So he works and doesn’t always pay?
And so to sweeten the deal you decided to just charge him rent, which he’s still not paying?

Honestly I would tell him to leave and go live on his zero contribution somewhere else.

You don’t have to end the relationship. Just stop bankrolling him. Bills should be the first thing he pays out when he gets paid. Not pay for crap and scrimp together what’s left, if anything.

You will save 25% for starters cos of council tax reduction. Child support - you would have to go through official channels as if he cannot pay towards his child now, well 🤣
You might also be eligible for other help, including towards childcare.

So ask yourself, what can he bring that you cannot do yourself, with him still living there?

Live apart, maintain a relationship if you want (and doesn’t include you cooking for him on a regular basis and doing his washing etc), and once he demonstrates he can be a responsible adult, partner and parent, the living apart thing can be reviewed.

And during his periods of unemployment, wasn’t he getting JSA? Although I do agree when earnings decrease the other person does support more financially. But once money returns to normal, so does their share of household expenses.

And whatever you do, until long term he has shown he has changed, don’t have any more financial ties. He will drag you down.

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