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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU? Partner with rent

67 replies

NCSJ18 · 10/03/2020 11:34

It's long so bare with me
So since 2018 my OH has not paid his half of the rent on time. We agreed to divide all bills in half
So I was paying the full rent and bills and he would pay me back! He earned roughly 400+ PW I earned 300 fast forward to March 2019 he lost his job so I obv paid everything no complaints no owing etc he got a job in sept 2019 and same again rent day came he wouldn't have full or any so I paid he gave back when he had it! Nov 2019 our son was born so my pay obviously went down! But still rent day nothing so I was left with nothing as I had to pay rent so we wouldn't become homeless..
anyway skip to now! I was paying all bills and only epexcting his half of the rent I thought that was fair enough.. He lost his job in jan20 but he hadn't paid dec19 rent or food bills but I'm refusing to budge that he still owes me money for December and now February/March as he is back in work! He is kicking of somthing rotten as he feels he shouldn't owe anything as we are in a relationship so it's shouldn't be owing! But if that's the case he wouldn't be financially contributing to our house for 3/4 months now ie no food, Rent, etc I was paying all his travel cost, lunches in February and now I really don't think I'm being unreasonable as just because he's my OH does not in-title him to not contribute, he has been talking to his family and he says they feel the same as him that he should NOT owe me anything.
Thankyou for reading this far! Any advise if I am in the wrong please tell me

OP posts:
HillAreas · 10/03/2020 12:34

Get rid. You will slash your expenses in one fell swoop. Then claim every scrap of help you can from the government. Then claim CMS (although with his glowing employment record I wouldn’t hope for much here).
If he’s not a help then he’s a bloody hindrance. Cut the dead weight loose.

ffswhatnext · 10/03/2020 12:38

He doesn’t have to live with family.
He can rent a room for the short term. If he’s then made homeless and?

If you want to be nice you can tell him to forget next months rent and bills and instead use it to move. I know it puts you in the shit financially, but sometimes we have to ‘invest’ to make something.

Daftodil · 10/03/2020 12:39

I came of mat leave 3 1/2 months early as I obviously couldn't afford it

This is heartbreaking. What a selfish arse he is being.

I appreciate that you want to keep a roof over your son's head, so it is difficult to make threats about rent & bills as he knows you're bluffing, but definitely don't pay for his lunches and travel. If he can't afford it, he'll have to ask his family for a loan - I'm sure that they will soon have a different opinion about whether or not money paid out for him should be paid back!

If him being out of work is a regular occurrence, could you look at downsizing to somewhere smaller/cheaper that you are more easily able to afford on just your wage maybe a place for just you and your son?

I would work out what you paid for everything during both of his periods of unemployment and point out to him that you have been supportive, but him being out of work for x months took away from your maternity period and has left you short as you were on reduced wages at the time. I think it will also be good for you to see how much you are paying/have been paying to have him in your life. If it was costing me £500/mo for the privilege of having him in my home, I think I'd be looking at my budget very carefully...

Original poster
NCSJ18 · 10/03/2020 12:42

@ffswhatnext he couldn't claim JSA as it's changed here now to universal credits so joint claim and I earnt to much which was a bummer and I refused to cut my hours down

Tbh we can't live apart like that as his family are about 5hrs away so wouldn't work as he couldn't see his son! And I wouldn't want that as he is a good father and obviously from his priors money budgeting problems he couldn't get his own house near us!

I feel like I'm only allowing This as I don't want to become homeless myself and I know he hasn't got anywhere else to turn😭😭😭

OP posts:
Mumtoanimals · 10/03/2020 12:42

I feel your pain! I paid/managed all the bills with my ex, and each month asker him to pay his half into our joint account by the 2nd of the month, so they all cleared.. however he NEVER PAID on time, always said he "had to sort it out" everymonth. But then come weekends he would drag us out and spend hundreds of pounds on food and items we didn't need.

Keep getting him to pay his way, if you earn the same ish, it should be 50/50. He needs to buck his ideas up. Have you tried showing him everything written down? Prove it needs to be paid back as you cannot afford? Stand your ground!

underfall · 10/03/2020 12:42

Where does he do his smoking?

If he’s smoking in the home, or anywhere around the child, that seems like the priority issue that needs sorting.

ffswhatnext · 10/03/2020 12:43

And in the meantime get on entitledto, check your future without the deadweight.
Whatever forms you can save/download and fill them out ready to send the day he moves.

Check your local council to see if they have a discretionary housing fund. This is something extra outside of universal credit. Even if it turns out you make too much for rent/mortgage they may still help.

Original poster
NCSJ18 · 10/03/2020 12:51

@Daftodil I already am looking at downsizing as it's getting to much and this is my argument as work Had messed my payment up and can't get it sorted till after rent is due so I asked him not to spend a single pennie over other than travel costs and DS food for the week this is the first time I've demanded this And last night he only gave me £150 and blamed the cost of DS food he lost money🙈 when I know his food doesn't cost a great deal maybe £20/£30 a week fresh fruits the killer but still know where near the amount he was saying! So now I'm having to come up with the short fall again which is leaving me with £10 till next week and I have to get to and from work 😭😂

OP posts:
Original poster
NCSJ18 · 10/03/2020 12:52

@Mumtoanimals how did that work out did he change? Or am I fighting a loosing battle? Here and I try and stand my ground but he knows it a bluff so still nada

OP posts:
Original poster
NCSJ18 · 10/03/2020 12:54

@underfall he smokes either at work or in the back garden and I make sure he goes no where near him! Until showered. I used to smoke but I quit the moment I found out but I know if I couldn't afford to smoke then that was that no fags for me? But he puts that first

OP posts:
LannieDuck · 10/03/2020 12:59

Why doesn’t he transfer his rent (and bills - no reason he gets a free pass on these) on payday? Then it doesn’t matter if he spends the rest?

underfall · 10/03/2020 13:00

OP - that’s good, that you’ve got the smoking issue sorted. Smile

I agree with the suggestion of the entitledto website. If you find out where you stand with benefits etc, then you’ll know what your options are.

Crinkle77 · 10/03/2020 13:00

I can guarantee he has some sort of addiction whether that be gambling or drugs.

Mumtoanimals · 10/03/2020 13:04

@NCSJ18 it went on for two years before i kicked him out as i had enough. I was putting my whole pay packet (around 1400) towards the bills ect and so was he and still we needed more because he was spending it all so quick. We didn't have children so wasn't such a hard decision

Daftodil · 10/03/2020 13:04

Tbh we can't live apart like that as his family are about 5hrs away

He could rent a room in a flat share. Plenty of adults have to do this rather than relying on family. I did this myself for most of a decade because that is what my income afforded. In a houseshare situation, he would have to pay rent or become homeless. If you think he would pay rent in a houseshare, then you are accepting that he would treat strangers with more fairness and respect than he treats his partner and child. If you don't think he would pay rent and would end up homeless, then there's very little chance of your situation ever improving.

he is a good father

Is he? He pays for his cigarettes before he pays to feed, clothe and house his child...

Nanny0gg · 10/03/2020 13:08

HE IS NOT A GOOD FATHER!!

A good father provides for his family, not just leave it to the other parent.
He pays what he owes as it is to the benefit of the child. Maybe if he stopped smoking he'd have more cash. But where is it all going?

What is the point of him apart from looking after his child so you can work?

Yes, it's a losing battle and him having nowhere else to live is not your problem.

Does he do anything at home?

Original poster
NCSJ18 · 10/03/2020 13:12

@Mumtoanimals I think that is what's making this decision harder is my son as he's 15m now so he knows daddy is etc I think if I would of done it sooner I wouldn't feel so guilty

OP posts:
Original poster
NCSJ18 · 10/03/2020 13:15

@Daftodil @Nanny0gg I guess when I look at it like that it's not being a good dad
But yeh basicaly he's my childcare like my mum would jump at the opportunity to have him so I could work so it's not that I'm relying on him for that!
And yeh he does do stuff around the house cleaning cooking and that but that's basically all he does so I basicaly have a nanny🙈🙈

OP posts:
Original poster
NCSJ18 · 10/03/2020 13:18

@ffswhatnext that's why I stoped asking for bills to "lighten" his load so to speak but as he gets paid weekly is seems he leaves it to last minute which is then too late
I get paid monthly now as after ML I found budgeting was easier with one pay day so I get paid one day before rent

OP posts:
ffswhatnext · 10/03/2020 13:21

So you will stay in this situation until he leaves home?

What about when you end up homeless because of his fecklessness, would you stick with him and risk it happening again repeatedly?

Instead of thinking about the guilt think about the positives

A stable home for your son
You will be financially better off
You won’t be this stressed which is not only good for your own health, but honestly children do pick up on this.
There will be no arguing over money like at the moment.

It’s a shame that you didn’t post a lot earlier, but now you have, please listen to what’s being said. For the moment he’s not someone to remain living with.

Millhouse7 · 10/03/2020 13:22

@NCSJ18 why does he keep losing his job? I understand in some sectors there are short term contracts so is it this or is he messing up at work or getting bored? Just seems like a red flag along with other things.

gamerchick · 10/03/2020 13:27

He's not a good dad OP. He would rather risk losing the house your kid lives in or risk your kid not being fed. The utter basics Hmm that isn't a good dad.

He's a cock lodger and you either suck it up or kick the twat out. Your choice.

ffswhatnext · 10/03/2020 13:27

And you living seperatly as a couple shouldn’t stop them seeing each other.

Aside from you not financially supporting him, nothing really should change. He can even sleep over a couple of nights a week. Sometimes you have dinner together, most of the time you don’t. And if’s not bringing anything he doesn’t get dinner 🤣

Original poster
NCSJ18 · 10/03/2020 13:31

@Millhouse7 so he lost his first job back in March because his manager got arrested and sentenced for fraud so he wasn't in the company long enough to get redundancy pay! So I was completely supportive hence no asking for rent or owing as such then he got a new job, had that from sept-dec and he quit to start a new job which had more rewards IE working his way up the ranks but that didn't start till mid jan! Hence no January rent then and atm hes not earning as expected so he's only getting 250pw minus travel cost train&bus

@ffswhatnext I know I feel so shit for even alowing my self to get into this position but before it was because I loved him it would only be one off but as the months gone I just sort of got used to it and it's only now as he's saying he shouldn't owe me anything
And until I can save I can't go unles I move home to my parents and I really don't want to have to sleep on my parents sofa and loose all my belongings either selling or binning as I've worked so hard for everything x

OP posts:
TheSerenDipitY · 10/03/2020 13:41

just think of how much lower the costs will be in a tiny flat without him, less electric, less food, less rent, less stress... much less stress

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