Baby shower comments. AIBU for getting annoyed?

[Dizin]

I went to a baby shower this weekend. The mum to be is expecting her first at 27. For her boyfriend, 28, it will be his 3rd... in 5 years... 2 different women. The boyfriend of the mother to be is also my boyfriends younger brother. I'm sure you can see where this is going...

Me and my boyfriend are 30 and 31, and don't have kids yet. We want to move out, preferably get engaged before we try for a family. That's our situation. Throughout this entire baby shower all we hear is "Your next!" "When are you gonna have a kid?"

It was seriously getting on my nerves to say for the umpteenth time "no no not yet" "noo maybe you're next!" "I'm fine with bring Auntie for now!" And trying to laugh it off.

Then the line that took me out was the mum to be said "oh, your boyfriend must want it more than you. You don't want it enough that's why it hasn't happened yet". All the while smiling and laughing like this was amusing.

Everyone around was just laughing and egging on the conversation and I'm just standing there like an idiot.... because NOONE knows how bad I want kids. I think about it everyday. 2 years prior, me and my boyfriend decided on thinking about trying but I got ill with a sickness that left me in too much pain to move, my face unrecognizable, me feeling isolated, depressed and quite frankly so introverted to the point where I didnt want to leave the house.

EVERYTHING got put on hold. I'm still going through ups and downs now. So much so I'm doubting myself as a mother, terrified that I might relapse and find myself in a place where I cant care for my child because I am in so much pain, emotionally and physically.

I'll admit I am envious that she is pregnant and not me but I can always play aunt and still experience the baby even though hes not my own. But at the same time, I dont envy her situation either and I just think she should really think about what she says and how it comes across.

So am I being unreasonable for finding all these comments rude and Insensitive, especially that comment from the mum to be?

YANBU people can be dicks.

However it sounds like you are bringing a lot of emotional baggage to the party which she may or may not comprehend.

Those type of comments are so insensitive, you never know what someone is going through in private.

And it's really hard to come up with a good reply without seeming snappy.

I’m sure they didn’t mean to upset you but it’s always stupid to comment on other people’s family planning as - clearly - it’s impossible to know what might hit a nerve. I’m sorry you’ve had a rough time with your health too.

However, you don’t seem to like her very much, you’re very judgemental about her and her life and there isn’t a quota of babies so while a lot of people might feel envious in your shoes her having one doesn’t make you less likely to have one.

Sorry you had to tolerate this @Dizin

Some people are absolute dicks, and when you have no kids, you get this shit ALL the time. It's annoying if you don't want them, but it's upsetting when you do.

Not much you can do about it sorry. Except tell people to shut the fuck up, and you will have a baby when YOU ARE READY!

Being snarky and shouty is the only answer with insensitive oiks like this.

She sounds pretty awful, and insensitive in the extreme.

People are so stupid and careless! They have no idea why you don’t have children.

I’m angry for you.

Not much you can do about it sorry. Except tell people to shut the fuck up, and you will have a baby when YOU ARE READY!

Being snarky and shouty is the only answer with insensitive oiks like this.

Inclined to agree. This sort of behaviour only happens because they think some sort of social convention stops them from being challenged about it.

Gahhhh, you are definitely NOT being unreasonable!!! These kind of throwaway comments are so insensitive, we don't know what is going on in people's lives, also we should respect that some people actually do choose to wait for all sorts of reasons, and it's not for anyone else to decide what's best for us. Sorry you felt uncomfortable you will 100% be and incredible mum, and the fear of not been able to take care of your baby is very very common.

I used to get it all the time as I was 33 when I had my first baby, as we booked our wedding a good chunk in advance so.we could pay it off and it used to infuriate me

It doesn't get any better when you've had a baby either, my daughter is 8mo and already people want to know 'when We're having number two?' and genuinely we've had 'hopefully you'll have a boy next time and then you can be done'

WHAT?????

Not at all. The uterus is still public property- the comments people see as being appropriate are disgusting, and I still am amazed that anyone, anywhere feels they have any right to comment unsolicited

It's shitty - whenever any woman gets pregnant, it feels like all women within 30 yards/3 generations of family get asked/told why are they not pregnant/when will they get pregnant/does it make you feel broody for more babies????

When a man is expecting a baby, it's "nice one, congrats" and the conversation moves on.

Just nod away comments, unless they're rude like the mum to be, in which case say something like 'oh, I try not to guess what's going on in other people's private lives in case I get it completely wrong!'

When I was heavily pregnant I got 'was it planned?' from a new colleague I'd met 5 minutes before. I was gobsmacked.

You're right I'm not her biggest fan, because of comments like these she makes.
I've fully admitted to being envious but it's a fact that I am willing to wait for when it's right for me to have a baby and not when someone else says me not wanting it enough is the reason I dont have one.

Yes the first section is judgemental I will agree. It may offend some people but I have no shame I saying I would NOT like to be in that situation and that is my preference as with many others. I probably wouldnt date a man with kids if I'm honest. Call me selfish, but I want my first child to be with my partner and it to also be his first. So if my post comes across as judgemental I'm trying to be honest in how I feel.

But the point is, it was a very cheeky comment of her to make in public at my expense. Just because you are expecting it doesnt mean you suddenly dictate who can join the motherhood club.

You don’t have to agree with her choices but they’re hers to make and your update is even more critical and judgemental. By all means feel upset at her comments to you but tbh given your strong negative feelings about this woman and her life I’m unclear as to why chose to attend her baby shower. She was, albeit clumsily, suggesting you have a baby. You are, at least on here, suggesting she shouldn’t be having hers. Why? Because her partner is already a dad? Because she’s younger than you? Because they’re not homeowners or whatever? Or because she’s doing it before you? Her circumstances are none of your business. Your resentment is palpable and not a great look. Many of us have had extreme difficulties in becoming parents, resenting other people as somehow undeserving because they make different choices isn’t healthy or productive and doesn’t impact on your own chances of having a baby at all.

I hear you, OP. These "When are you gunna have a baby?" comments are incredibly tiresome, and you were shoved unwillingly into the spotlight when she started up.
It would be easy to get defensive, but I suggest you remain coolly gracious. Laugh elegantly and tell the mum-to-be, "Darling, this should be all about you. You're soon to become a mother and it's so wonderful and we're all so happy for you! Let's focus on you."
If she cranks up again tell her, "This is your time, so let's make it brilliant. Seriously, sweetie, it's not about me or anyone else. It's about you and your precious little baby."
Just keep laying on the gracious compliments, and drown out her silly faux-questions.
And it really is about this mum and baby, right now. You sound like you have your head screwed on and know what you want -- you will do your thing in your own good time.

What you went through sounds like a milder version of my life for the past almost a decade. Only you can decide whether or not you want children. My chronic illness came on after I had dd. It’s left me disabled. I’ve had 2 surgeries. I need more. I have said YANBU. However she / they cannot possibly fathom or comprehend what you went through. This was not malicious. It was high spirited, thoughtless babble.

You are not unreasonable, only rude, insensitive, immature (stupid) people make remarks like that. You handled it well.

It sounds like you've been through a hard time health-wise and you have my sympathy. You say you and boyfriend want to move out - from where and do you have a destination in mind?

Don't worry any more about this and I'm sure you'll have a baby before too long.

Good luck.

PS: No need to be envious of a young woman pregnant by a man who already has two children by two different women at 28. I wonder who he will choose next with whom to father a child, he's too damned careless. It's good to know his brother isn't like him, you're in a far better place.

Tell her you're waiting so you can be supportive when the father of her baby moves on to start his next family.

Meant to add -- as this is her first baby, she's probably very nervous. Her jokey comments to you might be a veiled way of saying "I wish I had a pregnant friend who could go through this with me; I wish I had support and reassurance."

Her mother should know better, tho. Cheeky blighter.

You come across as very judgemental to younger mothers. I hope doing it “the right way” works out for you, just don’t ruin this ladies baby shower with your negative attitude. I’d just not go as you’re clearly not happy for her

Hey op, I'm in the same boat as you. Been married for 18 months and turning 30 this year so all the baby comments are flying. We are ttc but that's no ones business. My response when people ask

Oh I have plenty of time
Hah babies. Sure surviving on 2 hours sleep and cleaning up after someone else sounds like a dream
I already have 10 kids... Kidding!
I have a child.. It's DH!.

You just need to find a way to laugh it off and come up with a response. I noticed that it's just small talk with people, most don't actually want to know when exactly you're going to start trying or a due date, so I respond equally as petty haha

Wasn’t in a position prior to my 30’s to even think about children so had this despite wanting to be a mum.
When I did finally get pregnant it was as if to others my whole life had been insignificant until that point.
Then the ‘when are you going to have another’ comments started. I’d have love a second but he refused (and then went off with someone else and had second child......).....
People can be dicks

Yes you have gone through a hard time, am I reading it right though that you still live with your parents in your thirties as you talk about wanting to move out?

I’m the other hand it was her day and not about you

YANBU, she was really rude to you.

I despise comment passers and question firing. I’d have been inclined to tell the insensitive fuckers the truth. Shame the twats (pardon my language) if they’ve got any shame, though which I doubt.

@Toomanygerbils. When did op say it was “about her.”