Baby shower comments. AIBU for getting annoyed?

[Dizin]

I went to a baby shower this weekend. The mum to be is expecting her first at 27. For her boyfriend, 28, it will be his 3rd... in 5 years... 2 different women. The boyfriend of the mother to be is also my boyfriends younger brother. I'm sure you can see where this is going...

Me and my boyfriend are 30 and 31, and don't have kids yet. We want to move out, preferably get engaged before we try for a family. That's our situation. Throughout this entire baby shower all we hear is "Your next!" "When are you gonna have a kid?"

It was seriously getting on my nerves to say for the umpteenth time "no no not yet" "noo maybe you're next!" "I'm fine with bring Auntie for now!" And trying to laugh it off.

Then the line that took me out was the mum to be said "oh, your boyfriend must want it more than you. You don't want it enough that's why it hasn't happened yet". All the while smiling and laughing like this was amusing.

Everyone around was just laughing and egging on the conversation and I'm just standing there like an idiot.... because NOONE knows how bad I want kids. I think about it everyday. 2 years prior, me and my boyfriend decided on thinking about trying but I got ill with a sickness that left me in too much pain to move, my face unrecognizable, me feeling isolated, depressed and quite frankly so introverted to the point where I didnt want to leave the house.

EVERYTHING got put on hold. I'm still going through ups and downs now. So much so I'm doubting myself as a mother, terrified that I might relapse and find myself in a place where I cant care for my child because I am in so much pain, emotionally and physically.

I'll admit I am envious that she is pregnant and not me but I can always play aunt and still experience the baby even though hes not my own. But at the same time, I dont envy her situation either and I just think she should really think about what she says and how it comes across.

So am I being unreasonable for finding all these comments rude and Insensitive, especially that comment from the mum to be?

I hear you. My now hubby and me didn't start our family till we were 34. We wanted them earlier... but a rather inconvenient bone tumour got in the way, and the waiting for 5 years after so I was clear to carry (big chunk of my pelvis, muscle etc. gone, don't want to say too much more as quite specific and outing).

It is not OK to say to people 'you're next', 'when are YOU having kids' etc. especially when you have no clue what that person is going through. They could be infertile, they could have had miscarriages, they could simply just not want any kids!

My response to this: 'you know so many people struggle with conception and carrying, not to mention some people or their partners don't want kids so I tend not to ask people or answer this as it could be really triggering, pressurising and upsetting'.

Soon makes the point in my experience...

It was seriously getting on my nerves to say for the umpteenth time "no no not yet" "noo maybe you're next!" "I'm fine with bring Auntie for now!" And trying to laugh it off.

So stop saying these things & stop laughing it off! Say "hopefully one day" or "who knows?" or "we want to get a house first". People will move on to something else. If things upset you, you need to stop laughing. People are taking their cues from you, so if you don't find it funny and want to change the subject then stop laughing along with them.

All that said, her line saying "You don't want it enough that's why it hasn't happened yet" is HUGELY insensitive and ignorant and I would also be very hurt in your shoes if I was on the receiving end of this. I have friends and relatives with infertility issues who would be in bits if someone said this to them. She is 27 and might not know many people who have struggled in this area so perhaps it might be worth a conversation with her to help her think about the complexities and sensitivities of the topic.

I wish you could have said "ooh you're next! When are you going to mind your own fucking business?"

Sending you all the love and luck in the world.

The first section of your post is judgemental and unnecessary, I don’t think it’s information we really needed. A simple ‘my boyfriend’s brother’s GF’ would have sufficed...

That aside, of course the comments were rude and totally unnecessary. It should never be assumed that a person isn’t either struggling with fertility issues or pregnancy loss, comments like that are always insensitive as a result.

Ah judge away! Next time be ready. Point out you'd like to be a bit more secure and own a home first. I'm sure there are a few catty, judgy comments you could make and I definitely would make but that's your choice.

I had this issue with my DH family - all baby making machines. My coping mechanism was to act like I couldn’t think of anything worse than having a baby (was actually struggling with PCOS). Some of my favourite lines:
‘Ugh no thanks, you all seem so tired and grumpy all the time! ’
‘Well we do like our holidays, lie ins and sex, so, ya know...’
‘Are you really asking about mine and your son/brothers sex life?!’
‘Meh, and give up yummy drugs for 9 months?’

Sorry that you’re going through it, it sucks.

Well quite clearly she is a dick. Look who she has got involved with.

Your health is way more important than getting pregnant.

You both sound very judgemental and insensitive to be honest. You clearly think you’re better than young mums and she clearly thinks having children is the be all and the end all. Neither of you sound like great people.