Baby shower comments. AIBU for getting annoyed?

[Dizin]

I went to a baby shower this weekend. The mum to be is expecting her first at 27. For her boyfriend, 28, it will be his 3rd... in 5 years... 2 different women. The boyfriend of the mother to be is also my boyfriends younger brother. I'm sure you can see where this is going...

Me and my boyfriend are 30 and 31, and don't have kids yet. We want to move out, preferably get engaged before we try for a family. That's our situation. Throughout this entire baby shower all we hear is "Your next!" "When are you gonna have a kid?"

It was seriously getting on my nerves to say for the umpteenth time "no no not yet" "noo maybe you're next!" "I'm fine with bring Auntie for now!" And trying to laugh it off.

Then the line that took me out was the mum to be said "oh, your boyfriend must want it more than you. You don't want it enough that's why it hasn't happened yet". All the while smiling and laughing like this was amusing.

Everyone around was just laughing and egging on the conversation and I'm just standing there like an idiot.... because NOONE knows how bad I want kids. I think about it everyday. 2 years prior, me and my boyfriend decided on thinking about trying but I got ill with a sickness that left me in too much pain to move, my face unrecognizable, me feeling isolated, depressed and quite frankly so introverted to the point where I didnt want to leave the house.

EVERYTHING got put on hold. I'm still going through ups and downs now. So much so I'm doubting myself as a mother, terrified that I might relapse and find myself in a place where I cant care for my child because I am in so much pain, emotionally and physically.

I'll admit I am envious that she is pregnant and not me but I can always play aunt and still experience the baby even though hes not my own. But at the same time, I dont envy her situation either and I just think she should really think about what she says and how it comes across.

So am I being unreasonable for finding all these comments rude and Insensitive, especially that comment from the mum to be?

I was in this position alot with in-laws (all the life events - getting engaged, married, baby etc). The other ones in family all doing those things as quick as they could and the comments I got it was like they all thought we were wasting time working and getting financially secure and getting some other goals kicked before "settling down", and there was alot of "rubbing it in" too . It was so frustrating (particularly as the event for the ones being celebrated were often in some "interesting" circumstances - "oh your up to your eyeballs in debt and just asked us for a loan but your also planning a $30k wedding and a baby?") but just had to smile and medium chill response & remind myself of the plan DH & I had.
This mummy-to-be is heading for quite a reality check with her life changing soon, and it will be harder given the dad is going to be juggling between his other kids as well. Her life isn't going to be a Huggies commercial and any smug/superior attitude will quickly get squashed.
You aren't being unreasonable feeling annoyed by the comments at the baby shower but you need to have your vent and move on, otherwise resentment will keep you down.
Focus on your plan to set yourselves up for your future baby to have the best life possible x

I'm not sure why you're envious. It sounds like this will be yet another in a string women and babies this guy will have.

She sounds very immature. She also sounds privileged: only someone who has never had to deal with fertility issues or lost pregnancies makes those kinds of remarks.

I had a dear friend who became completely unabashed about shutting that talk down. I saw it in action once. She was polite the first time, but when they kept on, she didn't blink: the subsequent "even if you're so focused on your career, I know you're next!" she said "unless they've figured out how to replace my missing uterus, I'm really not." It was a bit delicious.

I'm sorry your friend (?) was a dick.

She was very rude and insensitive.
All then people out their who cannot have children must not be trying hard enough . What a stupid comment to make.
3 kids in 5 years..probably won't be long until he moves on to his next one.

I meant to say with different women.

@Awwlookatmybabyspider I’m confused isn’t this entire thread about her?

@Awwlookatmybabyspider is this about someone other than her?? “Yes the first section is judgemental I will agree. It may offend some people but I have no shame I saying I would NOT like to be in that situation and that is my preference as with many others. I probably wouldnt date a man with kids if I'm honest. Call me selfish, but I want my first child to be with my partner and it to also be his first. So if my post comes across as judgemental I'm trying to be honest in how I feel.“

It's terrible, OP, but please don't take it personally. I was with my DH for eight years before we got married and it seemed as though the "when are you getting hitched?" comments were constant, even if they weren't. One relative then asked AT OUR WEDDING when we would be having children. I had to remind him that we'd only been legally wed for 40 minutes and hadn't really had the time yet

Some people just don't have enough to think about.

You're both very judgemental tbh.

She sounds immature and is probably insecure about his past, but you've also done yourself no favours with your attitude.

It comes across as if you're still clearly jealous of her having a baby, when there's nothing actually stopping you from doing it yourself. Sure, you've listed x, y and z as to why you're waiting, but let's be real- you could also very easily throw caution to the wind and try for a baby next month and rush moving out, etc.

You need to either accept that you're waiting and genuinely be okay with it, or think about how you can move things along. Taking out your issues on someone else, over one comment, so viciously, is not how to go about it.

Oh, and her being 27 doesn't mean you'll be a better mum than her. So stop with that.

Your judgemental shite cancels out any insensitivities on her part.

I liked to say “I’m not sure really, ha ha. When do you think you might get divorced?”

The comments are unreasonable but so's the grabby baby shower and your bf's brother having kids left right and centre.

YANBU they were dicks.

Last week I met someone for the first time and within 15 minutes after introducing ourselves to each other she asked me if I plan to have a second baby.

She has no idea that I would love to but DH doesn’t want to and I’m doubting if I want to stay married to this man now. It’s so rude to ask or comment about these things. You have no idea what might be going on in someone’s life and how these comments might hurt them. And frankly it’s clearly none of your business if they haven’t choosen to tell you about their decisions re having a baby or not!

I've never understood how people can be so insensitive as to ever mention this to someone who doesn't have children, or, frankly, the opposite to people who have several! My eldest daughter had been with her partner a few years before she had children. I assumed that they either didn't want them or they were having problems conceiving. Either way, it wasn't my business until they spoke to me about it. My husband and his ex wife wanted children and couldn't have them. She's 72 now, and still very sensitive about the situation, to the extent that I have to be careful what I say about my own children in front of her, so I can imagine how it must feel for you in the throes of it. perhaps you could have a few stock phrases ready for these situations, so you aren't so thrown by peoples rudeness/insensitivity. "Not everyone wants or can have children" "Sorry...do I know you? I don't usually discuss my family planning with people I've just met" Or in response to "You're next" You could keep them guessing, give them a big smile and a wink, and say "You never know!"

OP I really feel for you. I was asked on my wedding day, by estate agents when looking at houses, by family and also very loudly by a manager at work. It’s intrusive and rude. Strangely my husband has never been asked

I said yabu but not sure if I read your op correctly- in it it seemed to me you said you didn’t want kids yet. But then the MTB said you didn’t want it enough? Did want what? So if you’d said we do want children but it’s not happening for us right now I’d have said she was out of line- but as it stands I’m confused by what you actually said.
I’m sorry you’re going through a hard time though regardless. But I’m not sure it’s the MTBs fault for saying what she said if she doesn’t know what’s going on for you.

I think they must have guessed you are envious and want a baby, that’s why they were trying to be nice and saying it will be you next, to make you feel better, also the mum to be was then trying to downplay it for you.

They’ve got it wrong and shouldn’t have said anything, but I doubt there was malice behind this.

No advice other than to either ignore these remarks or call people out on their rudeness.
I am trying to imagine how a friend of my sibling felt years ago (a work colleague that I vaguely knee). She was from a very traditional family background and was married at 16 to a much older man. She had a series of miscarriages over 10 years at which point he divorced her because she wasn't able to give him children. She was married again quite soon (I don't think she had much choice but was made to feel ashamed of being divorced), and had another 6 or 7 years of the same.
I don't know how she dealt with those "you're next" situations.

The best reply I've heard to rude questions about having children was " are you actually asking me about my sex life!?!?" with a big expression on her face.

The nosey person was mortified

👏👏👏

You still live at home- why would you be thinking about having a baby? You’re being sensible to wait.

Hugs

YANBU. Your friend sounds like an irresponsible idiot, this is why young parents get such a bad press.

I can’t vote on this as I think you are both being reasonable.
Baby showers often include joking around and it can get out of control and cross a line. Which it did with you.
So I don’t think the intent or spirit of the comments was to make you feel bad, so they were not BU.
But neither are you BU because they did strike a nerve and upset you for good reasons given your inner desire for children (did the shower attendees know all this about you? Probably not completely)

You do sound judgemental but I completely agree that these comments are infuriating. I tried for a while and every "so when are you..." made me want to start throwing things. At events (christenings, baby showers) I started keeping count and just replying with "congratulations, you're number 14" with a deadpan face. If they kept on I literally just got up and moved. Not the most productive response but it stopped them from getting the full force of my TTC rage!