How BF reacts to arguments

[TreatBag]

We don’t argue that often but I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable feeling upset about this.

So found out my BF talks to his mum after we have an argument, because she spoke to me about it when we saw her yesterday! I felt like a child being told off rather than an adult in what I thought was an equal relationship.

I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable because I wouldn’t have a problem if he spoke to a friend about it but it just feels different because it’s his parent. I would never even think to go running to my mum to tell her anything if he’d done something to upset me. I would hope we could sort it out between ourselves, and I also wouldn’t want my mum to get a biased opinion of him if I was telling her every time something we’d disagreed about.

I don’t even know what she said to me properly because I was just sitting thinking I can’t believe she’s saying this to me, or that he’s asked her to have a word with me! As far as I know it wasn’t anything awful that I’d done, I’d called him out on not asking me about something medical related that I’d been worried about. I feel like he tells his
Mum so she’ll say to him he hasn’t done anything wrong and I shouldn’t be getting upset so he doesn’t feel bad about anything.

Would anyone feel a bit odd about BF/DP telling their parents about things like that? I don’t want to stop him talking things through with someone If that’s what he needs, but his mum?!

Ugh my ex tells his mum everything

Yeah it's weird and I wouldn't like it, as you said it different with a friend. You're just going to be feeling uncomfortable every time you see her now!

If hes under 16 I think this is fine.

Sometimes you just need to turn to the one who knows you most .
Just because you’re in your twenties and should be fighting your own battles, doesn’t mean that you can’t turn to someone else who knows you to give you advice.
Constantly running to mummy isn’t great but sometimes mums know best.

Had an x that did this hence the x

Every single little disagreement we had was relayed to his mother so much so I felt that she knew everything about me , it was so uncomfortable and in the end a deal breaker for me

The problem is that his mum won't be there when you kiss and make up and won't know the reason for the fight was a mouldy yoghurt he left under the car seat. Apart from the most serious of issues adult should learn to manage relationships with just the two people involved.

She shouldn't be listening to him - she ought to tell him that he really should be talking with you about it, not her.

It makes me feel really uncomfortable because I think she’ll just end up thinking I’m an awful person if she only ever hears when I’ve done something ‘wrong’. She always takes his side on things, not that I’d expect her to take mine, but it’s one of those where he can do nothing wrong in her eyes and everything he does is praised by her, so I feel wrong already if I disagree with what’s she said.

Like for example, he was decorating his bedroom recently and said he was going to get a sofa bed instead of a normal bed to have more space. I said to him that it wouldn’t be as comfortable as a normal bed because they’re not designed for everyday bed use and that he would end up not wanting to faff about putting it up and down every day so wouldn’t save space anyway. He said he’d told his mum and she thought it was a great idea so he was going ahead. It’s the most uncomfortable bed ever! I can’t sleep on it, I’m not exaggerating to say it’s harder than sleeping on the floor.

So even if I’m in the right, and I know I’m not always and accept if I do things wrong, I feel like I’m always going to be wrong anyway if he tells his mum and she agrees with what he’s saying.

How old is he and assume as he was decorating "his" bedroom you don't live together? Does he still live at home?

@SheSaidNoFuckThat he’s 25, lives on his own. We haven’t moved in together yet but spend time at each other’s houses.

Difficult isn't it, it's either great he's got a good relationship with his DM or he really needs to loosen the apron strings. Either way she shouldn't be getting involved even when he is talking to her

My DD's tell me anything because they can trust me to give good advice. I don't get involved in arguments, as in your situation, though.

You don't know what his Mum said about the sofa bed, you only have his word on it and you can refuse to sleep in it.

I think you've got to get more assertive. But them being close isn't an issue.

It does sound annoying and I hear your concerns about not wanting it to skew her opinion of you, but if he trusts her it's really his business who he confides in. Plenty of women talk to their mums about relationships so I guess it shouldn't be different when a man does it. That being said, she really shouldn't get involved and talk to you about stuff, there's listening and then there's interfering

They're both hanging on tight to the apron strings aren't they?! He sounds about 12. This is not good, at all. If, for some reason, you do decide to keep seeing him, next time his mum starts, just tell her this is a private conversation you had and you're not going to re-live private conversations so she can join in afterwards. What's said is said and the conversation is over.
Or just get out tbh. They'll only get more batshit with time. Imagine her siding with him about how you should give birth or what school your kid should go to!

A giant RED FLAG @TreatBag

I think it’s now that I know she’ll know everything that happens. Like if he just spoke to her for advice it’d be ok, but it’s like he talking to her about it so she’ll tell him he right and I’m wrong. So I feel like I’ll always be the ‘bad guy’ now with both of them.

I think they engineered the talking to me about it this time, he gave me a reason he needed to leave the room then she came in to talk to me and he didn’t come back until she’d finished. So I just felt really uncomfortable that not only he’d told her in the first place, but that between them they’d come up with this plan for her to speak to me about it.

If we’d just been standing round talking and she said oh by the way you shouldn’t have done that it wasn’t fair or whatever I don’t think I’d have thought as much about it.

Awwww.. Mummy's little soldier..

Have you talked to him about it since the awkward chat? For me I think his reaction would determine how much of a red flag this actually is. If he is mortified that she brought it up and apologised for inadvertently making you uncomfortable then there might be a way of getting through this. If he firstly doesn’t think she did anything wrong sticking her oar in and isn’t rethinking his oversharing as a result of this I’d definitely be having second thoughts about the relationships.

And people who sleep on sofa beds permanently are sociopaths - I say this as some who slept on a (permanently unfurled, because of course I never wrestled it shut after the first few times) futon in my early twenties. I’d have felt more comfortable sleeping on the mattress on the floor and in the end did until I could buy a bed ;)

Get rid of him

I think I would have told her to stop, not listening, walk away. Possibly a technique to consider for next time. She has no right to tell you you’re wrong, it’s nothing to do with her and probably an idea to tell her so. Who does she think she is?! You’re not a child, she needs to shut up and keep out of your personal business. I’d also be telling your bf if he tells her anything else, he won’t be seeing you again.

Ew. He engineered that she tell you off?

So are you going to dump him direct, or tell his mother it's over? I vote for telling mummy for comedy effect.

@BrowncoatWaffles he won’t think he’s done anything wrong. The way it happened he either asked her to talk to me or she’s said she would and he’s agreed with her that she should. I think that’s what bothers me most, is that between them they’ve thought I needed to be spoken to rather than just resolving things between ourselves.

I was surprised he didn’t listen to my thoughts about the bed since I’d be sleeping in it with him at least some of the time.

I’m starting think of the two of us in a relationship, it’s his mum who’s opinions/thoughts he thinks more of.

I’m going to have a think if this is something I’m willing to have to consider going forward.

So I just felt really uncomfortable that not only he’d told her in the first place, but that between them they’d come up with this plan for her to speak to me about it.
This. Fair enough he’d mentioned to his my about the sofa bed idea but for her to come to you about it isn’t on

I have daughters in their 20’s , would tell them to walk away from spoilt mummies boys like this .

I wouldn't really like him speaking to his mum. Fair enough if it's something major that he really needs to offload to a third party, in these situations it can help to talk things through . But him telling her about you calling him out on something minor just seems like he is really young and 'telling on you'. Also she is not a neutral third party offering constructive advice - it sounds like she is just agreeing with everything he says, which is not helpful in the long term.

But I'd be livid at the fact she spoke to you, and that he seemed to encourage it! He should be able to speak to you instead of getting his mum to fight his battles for him. And its private stuff between the two of you. It can never help to have a third party who is not neutral, meddling in your relationship. Especially as she just agrees with whatever he says, its just two ganging up against one. I'm not sure what he hopes to achieve.

To be honest this would make me question his emotional maturity, his loyalty and his decision making. I wouldnt trust him not to tell her anything really private that you dont want anyone else to know