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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How BF reacts to arguments

54 replies

TreatBag · 08/03/2020 18:54

We don’t argue that often but I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable feeling upset about this.

So found out my BF talks to his mum after we have an argument, because she spoke to me about it when we saw her yesterday! I felt like a child being told off rather than an adult in what I thought was an equal relationship.

I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable because I wouldn’t have a problem if he spoke to a friend about it but it just feels different because it’s his parent. I would never even think to go running to my mum to tell her anything if he’d done something to upset me. I would hope we could sort it out between ourselves, and I also wouldn’t want my mum to get a biased opinion of him if I was telling her every time something we’d disagreed about.

I don’t even know what she said to me properly because I was just sitting thinking I can’t believe she’s saying this to me, or that he’s asked her to have a word with me! As far as I know it wasn’t anything awful that I’d done, I’d called him out on not asking me about something medical related that I’d been worried about. I feel like he tells his
Mum so she’ll say to him he hasn’t done anything wrong and I shouldn’t be getting upset so he doesn’t feel bad about anything.

Would anyone feel a bit odd about BF/DP telling their parents about things like that? I don’t want to stop him talking things through with someone If that’s what he needs, but his mum?!

OP posts:
SheSaidNoFuckThat · 08/03/2020 21:33

Thing is as a Mum of 3 DSs I've always told them they can come to me with anything - that will never change, it's a totally different thing being an sounding board/listening ear to getting involved in the relationship though

MrsBethel · 08/03/2020 21:46

If he cared about the opinion his Mum had of you, he wouldn’t do this.

On the other hand, if it’s more important to him to demonstrate that he is ‘right’ and you are ‘wrong’, and having this validated by his Mum, and having her form a correspondingly low opinion of you... then he’ll do this.

Therebythedoor · 08/03/2020 21:52

So there are three of you in the relationship...

Techway · 08/03/2020 22:01

If he is using his mum to invalidate your opinions then you should be worried.

Your opinion is valid and so are your feelings. He has used her to gang up on you.

He is not a keeper as he isn't handling disagreements well.

Elieza · 08/03/2020 22:20

You’ve got yourself a mummies there op.
I had one of those. Got shot of him as it felt overwhelming.

Vehivle · 08/03/2020 23:18

I'm a mum of sons and would hope they'd feel able to talk to me about anything. But I would never even dream of talking to their partners/getting involved in their private relationships! And I'd refuse to if they asked. My MIL was like that - felt her 3 sons were too good for any girl and all her DILS were never good enough. My 2 BILS would always go to her with their relationship problems and she would always encourage them to think their wives were wholly at fault. And when their relationships ended, it was always the ex DILS who were "crazy" and the reason for the divorce. Never her sons.

My DH went to her just the once at the beginning of our relationship and she confronted me. After he and I had a huge row. He was (rightfully) mortified that she'd involved herself and he swore to never ever share our private relationship details with her ever again. And he stuck to it. Probably why he's her only son that is still married.

I would give your partner one chance to explain himself and to commit to NEVER allowing her to be involved again. If he doesnt commit to that - end it. The relationship will end eventually anyways.

lovepickledlimes · 08/03/2020 23:25

I am in two minds about this. I very much thought what ever argument it is between me and my ex and needs to stay that way etc. I took this to an extreme and did not let her know I was basically in a emotionally abusive relationship and because I had no one to talk to I thought this was normal. So it meant that most people did not know what a manipulative cheating scum bag he was till I finally managed to move out and to this day my mum thinks he must have had some 'good qualities' and I should not just focus on the bad etc

doorbellringer · 08/03/2020 23:27

At least you now know who the number 1 woman is in his life. Run.
I say that as the mother of son’s.
Not a chance would I ever stick my nose in like that. I would listen and nod and tell them to get back and sort it out like adults!

Electrical · 08/03/2020 23:32

You find that bloke sexy? Running to his mummy about a comment you made about a sofa , and then creeping about whilst his mummy chastised you? Imagine the decades ahead of you, with him scuttling off to his ma when he impregnates you and he’s not receiving enough attention, when his mother wants in the watch you birth your potential kid, and wants to feed the kid chocolate (or anything) before 6 months old, wants overnight stays, chastises you for the lawn being too long, for breastfeeding, for her little Prince feeling neglected, and on and on and on. Your boyfriend is the problem here, and it’s not your job to educate him or mould him into a functioning adult, this is who he is, fundamentally. If you choose to stay with him, this is what you’re signing up for. Believe him. Believe his previous choices.

Meaniebobeanie · 08/03/2020 23:39

25!! I thought you were going to say 16. Run for the hills. A total mummy's boy!

PennyArrowBar · 09/03/2020 09:31

I tell my parents loads, when my DH is doing my head in and when we've argued. They're a sounding board and I trust them.

But I also trust them not to then go to my DH and say anything, that's too far.

BlingLoving · 09/03/2020 09:38

Talking to his mum is not necessarily something you can control and I guess he has the right to talk to whoever he likes but I'd have two concerns.

The first is that I'd worry that he's only telling her when we argue. Is he also telling her the good stuff? The things he loves about you etc? I have a habit of ranting to my family if DH is annoying me. But I'm also in the habit of telling them about all the good things he does. At least, I hope I do that as much.

Also, using her as a sounding board is one thing. Getting her to fight his battles for him is entirely another. I'd take that extremely badly and as it's clearly a new relationship that isn't that serious as yet, I'd be questioning whether I want to be involved with a man who might send his mother into argue with me every time there was a disagreement.

pinkdressinggown · 09/03/2020 09:39

I don't really think there's much wrong with telling someone you're close to about arguments that you have, and if he and his mum are close then that's nice!

Sometimes I tell my mum when my husband and I argue, so I don't see why it shouldn't work the other way. I think your boyfriend's mother is actually in the wrong here though - she should appreciate that all couples argue, but that, while she can listen and give your boyfriend (hopefully) impartial advice, she can't get involved or tell you off about anything. That's not on.

TheWernethWife · 09/03/2020 09:45

Therebythedoor nails it, like Princess Diana said, there are three of you in this relationship, it is a bit crowded.

billy1966 · 09/03/2020 09:54

OP, his business who he confides in.

Him engineering a lecture from his mum and her giving one is completely unforgivable and a deal breaker. IMO.

I think neither of them have any manners, boundaries or cop on.

I would have the ICK for the lot of them.

So unattractive.

Now you know EXACTLY what you are getting with him......a mummy's boy and a mother who is extremely inappropriate.

Good luck OP, you deserve betterFlowers

HopeYouStepOnALego · 09/03/2020 10:07

To be honest this would make me question his emotional maturity, his loyalty and his decision making. I wouldn't trust him not to tell her anything really private that you don't want anyone else to know

This!!

I'd be telling his DM that while you appreciate he's her DS and she has his best interests at heart, your private conversations are really none of her business and you do not appreciate her input. Can you imagine if you stayed together and had kids? If his DM offered unsolicited advice that you didn't agree with he'd be siding with mummy because he obviously values her opinion more than yours.

Scarydinosaurs · 09/03/2020 10:13

It does sound like an unusual dynamic. I get the impression you feel like she had either asked for a word with you (hence him leaving then coming back) or he asked her to speak to you.

Does he have special needs?

Windyatthebeach · 09/03/2020 10:15

When you has sex does his umbilical cord go under the door when you shut it or does he like the door open?

LukeSkywalkingOnTheseHaters · 09/03/2020 10:33

It is weird that he had almost staged it for his mum to talk to you about it.

I don't think talking to his mum about arguments and goings on in a relationship is too weird. What's his wider social circle like? Was his mum a single parent? I'm sure if it wasn't his mum, he'd be venting to someone else. And I imagine you have a relative or friend you might tell about these kinds of things too OP?

adaline · 09/03/2020 10:33

I think this is a difficult one.

My mum is one of my best friends but I wouldn't feel comfortable talking to her about any problems in my marriage. She still has to be around DH and I don't think it's fair to offload all our problems onto her and then expect her not to judge, iyswim.

Windyatthebeach · 09/03/2020 11:36

Frankly if he needs his dm to manage his relationship he isn't old enough to be in one...

Shittodayshottomorrow · 09/03/2020 12:12

I would nee like it. Odd boy running to Mammy.
Only you know if you can put up with it.

SantaClauss · 09/03/2020 12:20

I'm struggling to see what the issue is. Would it have been better for him to moan about you to his dad? Maybe a moan to a mate would have been more suitable? He could even have had a very public moan to a bunch of internet strangers....

MulticolourMophead · 09/03/2020 13:05

Was his mum a single parent?

I'm a single parent and raising my DC to be adults, to developed emotional maturity, because they'll need to function as adults for healthy relationships.

Being a single parent doesn't mean we tie the apron strings super tight.

Meanwhile, my DD has already ended one relationship because the BF was immature. Both DC talk to me, yes, but I'll offer advice if they want it, or just listen if they are venting. I would never interfere in a relationship or talk to any partner.

Isthistrueor · 09/03/2020 13:07

YANBU, it’s hugely immature and unattractive. I’d sack him off personally.