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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To let my 16 year old dd stay overnight at party?

58 replies

Kaylasmum53 · 07/03/2020 21:00

My dd is a sensible girl with a good group of friends. Tonight she and 4 of her friends have gone too a party at another friends house, a Male friend. I know there will be alcohol and as far as I know his parents are away for the night. If I'm honest I'm not really comfortable with her staying there but her friends are allowed so i don't want to force her to come home.

I've spoken to her about the dangers of alcohol and told her to stay away from spirits, i told her 3 cans of cider, maximum but am worried that she'll drink more than that, she says she won't and i want to trust her but i worry a lot!

Have i made a mistake in telling her she can stay?

OP posts:

FortunesFave · 07/03/2020 21:05

No you haven't made a mistake. I have an almost 16 year old DD and at this age, you HAVE to give them freedom and trust that you've educated them well enough to look after themselves.

I let mine stay at similar parties though the parents have always been around...you can't lock a 16 year old up...they're almost young women....well they ARE really.

I always tell mine that if anything ever goes wrong and she needs to be brought home..that she can call us no matter what the time....2.00am? Fine. call.

PumpkinP · 07/03/2020 21:08

I Live alone at 16, most of my friends did.

PumpkinP · 07/03/2020 21:08

Lived*

hopefulhalf · 07/03/2020 21:10

Is she yr11 about to start GCSEs ? then YABU or YR 12 nearly 17 ? YABLU

CarolineIngalls · 07/03/2020 21:10

I've let my 16 year old do this, and I genuinely trust him. He and his friends camp often. I will keep allowing him more freedoms as he keeps rewarding my trust by being sensible.

His 14 year old brother has to be home by 8; he is not deserving of the trust yet. His outrage is real.

Original poster

Kaylasmum53 · 07/03/2020 21:12

Hopeful half, she will be 17 in September.

OP posts:

tryingtoloseweightnow · 07/03/2020 21:12

She's 16 - how would you stop her going even if she wanted to?
She's almost an adult.

doadeer · 07/03/2020 21:15

Give her the freedom! In a year and a half she might be moving out for uni. If you don't build up to it by giving nights like this it will be such a shock to the system. You said she's sensible and she's with other friends

hopefulhalf · 07/03/2020 21:17

DS is 16 next month we have agreed no parties until after tge exams.

BeNiceToYourSister · 07/03/2020 21:19

At 16 I think you have to let her go - if she’s a sensible kid and will be among friends it sounds like a good opportunity to give her some age-appropriate freedom. My parents stopped me from doing stuff like that at her age... I went almost completely off the rails when I left home at 18 as I couldn’t handle the sudden total freedom.

june2007 · 07/03/2020 21:20

My Niece went to a part over christmas. an 18th) There was Alcohol. We got phonecalls about girls wanting to go home and not been in a fit state. a lad ended up stranded at the bus shelter with a broken phone. Was it predicatable ofcourse a teanage party+ alcohol = trouble for someone.

ThunderPython · 07/03/2020 21:31

My 16 yo DD is at a birthday party this eve. The parents are next door and have said everyone out by 11.

2 of her friends met her here and they got a taxi to the house, I'd offered a lift but quickly realised they were wanting to do the independent thing. However, I've said I will be there to pick up.

No way would I let her stay out over night though. I say this after SD (same age) recently went to a "sleepover" which ended with the police being called and DP going to pick her up at 3am and then returning to help the parents clear up at 9am. They'd Ok'd a small get-together but it was gate crashed by a group of 20 lads!

DP was angry at the lads and felt sorry for SD.

SD confided in DD that she had sent an invitation to a boy she liked, for him and a friend to come. So he brought 20 friends along...!

Windyatthebeach · 07/03/2020 21:36

I refused dd sleeping at a girl's house last night.
Meal out then drinks back at hers was the plan.
I said not a chance.
Dd told her friends I said no.
Apparently dd is a cunt, a baby, and a scruff for not going.

They have all dumped dd.
They are 13...
13 ffs and a parent supplied alcohol - apparently fine as it's her birthday....
Rant over.

Yanbu to say no op.
Dd is sad her friends were never really her friends but def isn't mad at me.

Notcontent · 07/03/2020 21:39

I think 16 is still very young. I would not be ok with that. Anything could happen.

Tiredtiredtired100 · 07/03/2020 21:40

I have to be honest I don’t think I’d let my DS stay at a party overnight at that age that was unsupervised by any adults. I mean he’s currently a baby but I can’t envisage letting him. If the parents were around then fine, but if not I’d pick him up at around midnight so he’s got a late night out but was also likely not to go too far with the drinking.

Tiredtiredtired100 · 07/03/2020 21:44

P.s. I’m sure I read somewhere years ago about parents of teens who had a policy that they could call (or I think text them a code word) which meant to come and get them anywhere and anytime in an emergency and they wouldn’t ask them anything. It sounded like it worked really well as it was alongside a discussion about how we all make mistakes, or get ourselves into situations that go too far and want to get out. It sounded like it really helped the teens to feel independent and supported simultaneously.

strawberrylipgloss · 07/03/2020 21:46

I do the text code thing with my dd (y12)

I would let her stay (even though I'd be shitting myself) In 18months she could be at uni and doing this sort of thing every night without me knowing.

mollymoggs · 07/03/2020 21:51

YANBU. She's 16, and she's being honest with you which is good. If you don't let her she'll probably just tell you she's staying at a friends house and omit the party and no parents part.

I was in pubs, clubs and at parties/ out overnight at that age (after GCSE's) and was very sensible and did drink but not stupidly and always had my wits about me. Hopefully, as you've said, your dd is the same.

Original poster

Kaylasmum53 · 07/03/2020 22:23

Thank you for the replies. I don't think I'll sleep tonight. We told her that if she wants to come home to phone at anytime. It's so hard knowing the best thing to do but I know I have to trust her.

OP posts:

Maladymaker · 07/03/2020 22:39

Hope alls well op - it seems very young to me I must say.

LovingLola · 07/03/2020 22:42

I would not have allowed it.
And I think the parents of the boy hosting the party are insane.

TreacherousPissFlap · 07/03/2020 22:43

We allow it (though we have a DS rather than a DD)
DS has been away a lot with Scouts and Explorers and this is a similar though slightly larger group. They often camp and get shitfaced as a mixed sex group and I console myself that we are encouraging healthy boundaries.
The only thing we have put in place is a code word, where one of us will go and pick him up regardless of the time, place, circumstances etc. Never been used yet, but I think we're all happier knowing there's a safety net in place.

Rosebel · 07/03/2020 23:54

Well I went to overnight parties at that age although not until after my GCSE exams were over. Never had any trouble but we all had the same group of friends so word didn't really spread.
I'd probably let my daughter go at that age but would say to call at any time if need be

timetest · 08/03/2020 00:04

I let my DDs go to overnight parties at that age though the parents were always at home. I would feel uneasy if there was no responsible adult on hand.

Original poster

Kaylasmum53 · 08/03/2020 00:21

Well I've been messaging her for the past 2 hours, she's had 4 ciders and has told me she won't be having anymore as she doesn't want to be out of control. I've asked her if she wants to come home and she says she wants to stay as her 4 friends are staying. She knows she can call me at any time if she wants to come home.

OP posts:

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