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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let my 16 year old dd stay overnight at party?

58 replies

Kaylasmum53 · 07/03/2020 21:00

My dd is a sensible girl with a good group of friends. Tonight she and 4 of her friends have gone too a party at another friends house, a Male friend. I know there will be alcohol and as far as I know his parents are away for the night. If I'm honest I'm not really comfortable with her staying there but her friends are allowed so i don't want to force her to come home.

I've spoken to her about the dangers of alcohol and told her to stay away from spirits, i told her 3 cans of cider, maximum but am worried that she'll drink more than that, she says she won't and i want to trust her but i worry a lot!

Have i made a mistake in telling her she can stay?

OP posts:
AgentPrentiss · 08/03/2020 06:59

I would not have allowed that, no.

Teenagers, alcohol, and no adult supervision? Fuck that. I ended up in hospital with alcohol poisoning at 15 in that situation. Even sensible teenagers have lapses in judgement and think nothing bad will ever happen to them.

SallyWD · 08/03/2020 07:06

I would allow it. I did the same at that age. By 17 I was going abroad on holidays with friends. I think people that age need some independence.

Jimdandy · 08/03/2020 07:09

Hmmm you’re lucky she even asked permission.

At 16 I would have strolled out the door, shouted “I’ll be back tomorrow, I’m staying out tonight” and gone!

Kids today seem to have much less freedom!

cobwebfew · 08/03/2020 07:10

YANBU to have let her stay over. I would have allowed a 16 year old to sleep over at a friends 🤷‍♀️

joystir59 · 08/03/2020 07:12

Not before exams are over, no. Focus!

Fairylea · 08/03/2020 07:16

I would have allowed it (my dd is 16 - 17 in the summer). I think at this age you do have to let them go a bit but we have a no alcohol rule. I am sure that she breaks this and we turn a blind eye to one alcopop type thing (we’ve seen her tagged in social media stuff where she’s holding a bottle of something) but she knows we don’t like it so it makes it harder for her to get even remotely tipsy as she knows she can’t explain it by saying she “only” had a few as she shouldn’t be having any at all! This comes from a place of me drinking very heavily as a teen and then going on to work in pub management and seeing the damage alcohol can do. So I’m pretty strict about that and have talked to her a lot about it.

lovelyupnorth · 08/03/2020 07:28

Our DDs are 17 and 19 and of course we let them to do things like this a 16. And yes on occasion they’ve had too much to drink and they know they can ring at any point and I’d go and pick them up.

Have to say for new year DD (17 nearly 18 at the time) had a party at our house and we went out till one. Came home and yep plenty of drunk kids but other than a couple throwing up and others doing what they do. Had no issues. In the morning they all cleared up and made bacon. What impressed me most was those that had driven all sat and played cards talked etc till lunchtime so they where clear to drive home.

About 15 had stayed over. All year 13. They did it again about a month later for DDs 18th and a 3rd time in this summer before DD went off to Africa for a year.

Our younger DD has been to loads of parties where she slept over. Possibly cause we live 25-30 miles away from her friends it’s easier. Never had any issues other than drunk occasions.

But then I trust my DDs. Know they would and have rung if unhappy or pissed and want picking up.

They both have a sensible approach to alcohol and don’t really drink that often as don’t enjoy the pissed bit, which is a win.

Both done awesome in GCSEs and DD1 in A-levels. DD 2 a levels this year.

They’ve got to grow up and make mistakes, they need your trust and support to do it and grow Independant.

So YANBU to worry. YABU to not let her go.

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 08/03/2020 07:32

I also think you are lucky she even asked your permission at 16. It’s time to let her grow up. A lot of kids leave home at that age.

lovelyupnorth · 08/03/2020 07:34

@Fairylea

It’s funny the one’s in my DDs friendship groups whose parents are incredibly strict about alcohol is the one who always, always gets hammered and rebels against them.

Where as the ones with a more measured approach seem not to wish get hammered all the time.

But have to say both my DDs friendship groups are the ones you’d class as geeks - grammar school kids. / prefects and head girl / boys.

Bluewater1 · 08/03/2020 07:41

My folks were trusting of us and very blasé about alcohol. So we were sensible. My friends who had to sneak around behind their parents' back always got completely wasted!!

cptartapp · 08/03/2020 07:44

DS1 went to parties with alcohol when he was 16. But I picked him up, even at an ungodly hour if there were no parents there.
The state of some of the others I saw was unreal. And this is a nice mc school.

Fairylea · 08/03/2020 07:45

I have seen that too, but we’re not really strict, not in general, just the alcohol is a thing for us. (And smoking and drugs). But we don’t just blanket say don’t do it, we openly talk about our own experiences and why we feel that way. Dd has called me when her friends have got absolutely plastered and I’ve sorted them out and with dd we’ve taken them home. She’s always the sensible one. So far. I’m fully expecting her to get drunk at some point, I’m not at all naive. Just hasn’t happened yet. She is very straight laced and disapproving of her friends who get drunk, to the point she fell out with some of them at prom because they all went off and got drunk and she rang me because she wanted to come home as she was bored and fed up.

In her friendship group the ones who drink too much and get drunk to the point of sick are always the ones whose parents drink at home (we are teetotal) and let them bring alcohol to parties. It just normalises getting tipsy. I think it’s unnecessary.

lyralalala · 08/03/2020 07:46

At 16 you have to give them freedom

If they go off to uni in 2 years they’re likely going to be too far away to call you to rescue them.

They need to taste freedom, learn from it and, as unpopular as it may be, they need to make mistakes and get it wrong, while you are close by to pick up the pieces

Boom45 · 08/03/2020 07:48

A bit of trust and freedom at this age is good for teens I think. You know where she is, you know what her plans are and she's talking to you - sounds like there is trust on both sides and that's something that's worth nurturing

hopefulhalf · 08/03/2020 07:51

My folks were trusting of us and very blasé about alcohol. So we were sensible. My friends who had to sneak around behind their parents' back always got completely wasted!!

This view is not supported by the evidence. Children of parent's who drink habitually are more likely to drink younger and to harmful levels than children whose parents don't drink.

purplebob · 08/03/2020 07:56

Not before exams are over, no. Focus!

It was a Saturday night, do you never let your D.C. relax?

Original poster
Kaylasmum53 · 08/03/2020 09:22

I've spoken to my dd this morning and she says everything is ok. Her friend had drunk a little too much but they contacted her mum and she is fine. My dd will be sitting her highers in may and has been stressing massively about them and the workload that's involved with them. She did really well in her GCSE's, 4 A's and 2 B's. I think she deserved to let her hair down. She is a lovely girl and her friend group are great, they don't hang about the streets at night.

I have already raised 3 children in to adulthood so I have been through it before but for some reason I just couldn't figure out if I was doing the right thing by letting her go.

OP posts:
Ginfordinner · 08/03/2020 09:31

How is that relevant PumpkinP?
I used to allow DD to stay out at parties at 16, but she had a steady boyfriend at the time and knew that he would look after her.

doadeer · 08/03/2020 09:46

All the PP who wouldn't let their sixth form kids do this... What will happen in a year and a half when they go to university. That feels like a huge jump.

PhilCornwall1 · 08/03/2020 09:55

I wouldn't have a problem with this at all.

Our eldest has just turned 18 and I'm just waiting for him to say "is it ok if I.....?". Errrr, that's up to you mate, you're an adult, fill your boots!!!!

tryingtoloseweightnow · 08/03/2020 10:19

My dd will be sitting her highers in may and has been stressing massively about them and the workload that's involved with them. She did really well in her GCSE's, 4 A's and 2 B's.*

You must have moved from England to Scotland then? So she'll be trying to make new friends as well which is important.

Original poster
Kaylasmum53 · 08/03/2020 11:14

Sorry I should have said nat 5, we've always lived in Scotland. Her group of friends are lovely, they all do drama and attend a drama group after school. There are other kids in her year that get drunk every weekend and take drugs. I'm very lucky that I always know where my dd is.

OP posts:
TheVeryHungryTortoise · 08/03/2020 11:23

I don't know why some people think letting a sensible 16 year old spend the night out at a party with friends is so unreasonable. I think you made the right call OP and I'm sure that the trust you have shown to your DD will only help further strengthen communication and honesty.

Curiositykilledthecat113 · 08/03/2020 11:31

Some of the responses on this thread are hilarious, it’s normal for 16 year olds to have parties where you sleep over. Coddling your teen as if they are still a child will only make them more rebellious when they go to university

user1487194234 · 08/03/2020 12:07

I would definitely allow it,not quite sure how you would stop a 16 year old ,or why you would want to