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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Has anyone inherited a lot of money from nothing?

70 replies

DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 07/03/2020 20:21

I feel like a massive cunt for asking this.

We inherited a LOT from someone amazing, via my DH. I never even met this amazing person. And now I have irrational thoughts that something bad will happen like me or DH will have a car accident and the kids with be orphans. Or I will get cancer and die or DH will have a heart attack.

I've already looked up and arranged an appointment with a counsellor, so I recognise my issue.

I just wondered if it was normal.

OP posts:
Original poster
DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 07/03/2020 20:23

In other words
I feel like I don't deserve it. Therefore in my stupid mind, karma needs to even things up

OP posts:
GrumpyHoonMain · 07/03/2020 20:24

It might help to focus more on the relationship that person had with your DH than the money - they clearly loved him and wanted to take care of him. Just see it like that and hopefully the anxiety will fade with treatment

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 07/03/2020 20:24

It’s guilt.

Honour the person’s memory by putting it to good use rather than wasting it on fripperies.

I wouldn’t count some counselling as a frippery

PurpleFlower1983 · 07/03/2020 20:27

We are about to and it’s come as a surprise - also through my DH. I know what you mean, I’ve only met this person and handful of times but she is leaving is us a significant sum of money. I don’t feel like something bad will happen but I do feel undeserving.

PurpleFlower1983 · 07/03/2020 20:29

Sorry I was meant to say we are about to inherit.

Permenantlyexhaustedpidgeon · 07/03/2020 20:33

My best friend inherited a lot (millions) when her mum died when we were in our 20’s. She felt very much that the money was ‘cursed’ and went a bit off the rails to be honest. She put it in a bank account and ignored it, carried on working, got a mortgage to afford a 3 bed semi. It’s only recently nearly 10 years on that she has had some counselling and has started to see that the she is attributing her own feelings of guilt / worry / sadness etc on to an object which is neutral. I don’t think it’s uncommon for you to feel the way you do, but don’t let it control your life the way she has - hopefully talking to someone will help you Flowers

willowmelangell · 07/03/2020 20:33

What does DH say about this benefactor? Does he have happy memories to share with you? He must have brought joy to their life. The karma is being paid back with good fortune.
Perhaps you could talk about an anonymous charity donation.

BorneoBabe · 07/03/2020 20:33

This happened to someone I know (not me, sadly!). A very distant relative they'd met once or twice left them just over half a million. Totally unexpected.

There was some 'why me?' weirdness at first, but in the end it's helped them live a more comfortable life, which is presumably what the relative wanted.

SomethingOnce · 07/03/2020 20:37

Think of all the people who make a fortune from highly unethical things, and to whom bad things don’t happen as a result.

Anything bad that happens in your life (and bad things do happen in people’s lives, it’s just how it is) will not be the universe evening things out.

TheSparklyPussycat · 07/03/2020 20:39

Have you and DH made wills? And I would suggest each of you setting up Financial Power of Attorney (this is only activated when needed, eg if someone has an accident).

Maybe your irrational thoughts will ease up if you have done these two, rational, things.

cptartapp · 07/03/2020 20:41

I inherited from a great aunt I'd met once. Not a great lot admittedly, but she was a spinster who'd never had DC and it just all felt sad. Particularly as it was intended for my DF who pre-deceased her.

Enchiladas · 07/03/2020 20:42

I haven't inherited money but I did receive a huge (to me) amount of compensation a few years back. I also felt like I didn't deserve it even in spite of what had happened and I ended up giving about 80% of it away.

contentedsoul · 07/03/2020 20:42

Congratulations OP

I too are incredibly superstitious.
I really do believe that life throws both good and bad things at you. I think its called fate. I also think that no one, leaves this world holding all the Aces. If you've had good fortune, pay it forward. Otherwise fate will come along and give you a slap to wake you up.

I dream of winning the lottery, but I already have a mental note of all the good deeds I would have to do before enjoying myself.

P.S I'm not remotely religious. But I do think fate is real.

paintcolourwoes · 07/03/2020 20:43

I can understand this feeling. We have had a couple of windfalls, one where my grandparents unexpectedly skipped a generation with their will, leaving it all to my generation - a very generous house deposit. And then again when some intellectual property (from my DH’s last) paid out a significant sum of money. The life we are living is entirely because of that good fortune, and sometimes I feel terrible about it. I grew up in abject poverty, my parents still live on the estate I grew up on. It’s madness. And I do sometimes worry that I don’t deserve it, or that maybe it will catch up with me in other ways. More often though I feel the need to justify our success/the big house. I think that’s because I don’t want other people to judge their own success against ours because we had an unfair advantage. So with most people I’m quite open about it when the topic comes up. The bonus is that the windfall came from pharmaceutical discoveries so I like to joke that the house is bought with drug money Grin

It probably is a good idea to speak to someone about your feelings. Good fortune is wasted if you can’t enjoy it

emmylousings · 07/03/2020 20:43

Why not set up a charitable trust in something you are really interested in, I don't know much about it, but loaded people do it a lot, and that's good. Now you don't need to work, you could set up a charity in literally whatever you know / care about and deal with your (admirable) guilt complex by doing something worthwhile and also feeling good about yourself / like you were working for it. Meantime, just give a bit away to charity - it will make you feel better. Enjoy!

ByeMF · 07/03/2020 20:46

If you feel unworthy how about doing something to honour them? Help a charity they supported, plant some trees, sponsor a child abroad.
If I left someone money I'd just want them to use it to have a happy life.

Bakedbrie · 07/03/2020 20:50

I don’t fully understand the intensity of your response if I’m honest. The money was gifted to your DH to whom you are married. Certainly, you are going to benefit from and enjoy this money as a couple, but the money was inherited only because of the relationship that your DH had with the deceased, not you. Your relationship is to an extent probably more circumstantial. The gifter would have known all this and not expected anything of you...so perhaps try and emotionally accept it in those terms.

Jackrusselsarecute · 07/03/2020 20:52

How lovely of that person, they must have wanted your DH to have the money. Try to enjoy it, and do something to honour them

Bakedbrie · 07/03/2020 20:56

Your lives and good health don’t have any financial collateral. There are many people on this earth who are wealthier than you and many who are much poorer than you.Unless you’re going to go crazy with this money; start gambling or drinking or whatever - nothings fundamentally changed, has it?

BMW6 · 07/03/2020 21:00

Pay it forward - make a generous donation to a Charity?

YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer · 07/03/2020 21:00

I received an inheritance from my Father. He was literally one of those people you read about that lives like they are poor, and after they die you discover they have A LOT of money. My siblings and I were very shocked. I felt HORRIBLY guilty at the time. I would have rather had my father alive then the money, but I was in a very hard financial place at the time and was able to buy a house because of it. The guilt I felt at the time doing that was awful. It's been 9 years and there are still times I look around the house and think "I don't really deserve this" but then I remind myself that my father would be so happy that we (me, my dh and children) were able to finally have our own home.

Lilshit · 07/03/2020 21:05

DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou

In other words I feel like I don't deserve it. Therefore in my stupid mind, karma needs to even things up

Do you believe in Karma? Are you Hindu? Very bizarre statement to make, given that karma transcends lifetimes.

I think your feelings of paranoia will go away with time but you can help them along with practical steps such as setting up a trust fund for your DC, arranging life insurance, ensuring your will is in order etc etc.

DukeChatsworth · 07/03/2020 21:07

I’m just about to inherit tens of thousands from DM and it feels like a strange responsibility. Like I’ve got to use it wisely because it’s a one off never to be repeated chance that I only get one go at. And also as if I need to make sure that DM and DF’s legacy in physical terms is not wasted or thrown away. It’s life easing money for us but it’s a double edged sword in reality. Almost a burden despite being a huge blessing. It’s weird.

contentedsoul · 07/03/2020 21:10

I suspect I will get some inheritance from my parents. we don't speak and I've stated many times I want nothing..but I suspect its already written that I will inherit their estate. I've already made up my mind I will never touch a single penny should this be the case and that any inheritance will be put in trust for my son when he's mid 30's.

I'd rather struggle than take their money. That's just me....somethings are not for sale.

DukeChatsworth · 07/03/2020 21:11

I would add though that whilst sorting the estate I’ve made various charitable donations with parts of it and that has helped me feel like some altruistic good has come out if it, not just financial easing on our part.

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