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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Has anyone inherited a lot of money from nothing?

70 replies

DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 07/03/2020 20:21

I feel like a massive cunt for asking this.

We inherited a LOT from someone amazing, via my DH. I never even met this amazing person. And now I have irrational thoughts that something bad will happen like me or DH will have a car accident and the kids with be orphans. Or I will get cancer and die or DH will have a heart attack.

I've already looked up and arranged an appointment with a counsellor, so I recognise my issue.

I just wondered if it was normal.

OP posts:

Lynda07 · 07/03/2020 21:13

Don't be silly, what makes you think you'll have an accident because you've inherited. There's no connection.

Be glad of your good fortune and enjoy it. Maybe you can help someone else.

Was there any need to use the C word in your first sentence? Very classy - not.

TheFormidableMrsC · 07/03/2020 21:14

That person wanted you to have and enjoy that money. Put it to very good use. Make some charitable donations. Donate to the local food bank. Sponsor a child or two overseas. It's a guilt thing. I will inherit a lot of money at some point in the near (ish) future. I plan to make sure that it means my DC's lives are much easier going forward and that I can make the happiest memories for my youngest, still at home, DC. Pay it forward. I try to adopt that mantra in life in any event but if you are worried about karma (and I do believe in it!), then do something nice with at least some of it.

pointythings · 07/03/2020 21:14

I've inherited a lot over the past two years - first from my husband - his money plus substantial life insurance - and recently from my mum. Comfortably six figures. And yes, it does feel strange.

But with regards to my husband; he was an abusive alcoholic who I was divorcing at the time of his death. His money is security for my DDs, who suffered a great deal at his hands. There's a sense of justice in it.

With my mum it's a bit different - she spent over two years drinking and neglecting herself to death after losing my dad. My Dsis and I wanted her to live, find some joy in life again, use some of the money for travel and for enjoying herself. She didn't - so now it comes to us and we will do things in her memory. I am having my garden tamed, finally and for all, because she loved gardening and was good at it.

Inheriting a lot of money does bring its own troubles.

LouiseCollina · 07/03/2020 21:16

OP give over and take yourself on a lovely holiday for God's sake! This person clearly wanted your DH to enjoy the inheritance, not have his nearest and dearest rendered terrified by it. Give yourself a good shake and a good talking to and go out and enjoy that money!

OhMargo · 07/03/2020 21:18

Make a sizeable donation to a charity you are comfortable with, or just take it an enjoy.

The donor wanted this to happen for your family remember?

FabulouslyElegantTits · 07/03/2020 21:19

@Lynda07
It's okay Lynda, calm your passion - we're allowed to swear on here ... if the classy ones amongst us!

FabulouslyElegantTits · 07/03/2020 21:21

*even

Northernsoullover · 07/03/2020 21:23

I'm really pleased for you @TheFormidableMrsC. You deserve it for everything you have been through over the last few years. I'm obviously sorry for your loss but I hope this brings you some relief from everything.
OP sometimes I dream of winning the lottery but then I panic about this hypothetical lottery win because lack of money is my motivation in life.
I'm studying to be able to earn more, I work as a cleaner always taking on more shifts. If I suddenly had a load of money would I lose the motivation to study? To work? I think if I didn't spend the day worrying about something then my whole life would be completely off balance.
Is there an element of this for you at the moment?

theflushedzebra · 07/03/2020 21:27

As a student, I once hid in my wardrobe to avoid the landlord because I couldn't afford the rent. I also smoked, drank, didn't eat, and played fast and loose with my health and safety. I was gloriously skinny though.

Now I'm settled, married with children and a lovely family and life - and I also have benefitted from a high earning, and lovely DH, and a very good inheritance. I do often wonder if a) I deserve this, and b) if something awful will happen (along the lines of the things you list in your OP) to spoil my happiness.

I don't have any answers for you - except to say I know how you feel. Maybe counselling will help. I just try to push it away, and tell myself that I deserve luck and happiness as much as anyone - and good or bad things happen to both good and bad people (not that I'm saying either you or I are good or bad people iyswim)... I try to rationalise it.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 07/03/2020 21:31

There is a sociological concept called anomie which is said to be a lack of social and ethical norms. It can sometimes occur when there are significant changes in your life and you are not quite sure where you fit in. One of the types of changes discussed is a sudden increase in wealth - the Anomie of Affluence.
The increase of wealth leaves people not sure where they belong and where their life will now go. Sometimes that can lead to people going completely off the rails eg lottery winners who spend it all.
It’s not unusual to be unsettled by a big change but because it is a positive change you feel guilty about being unsettled. Also you realise that money won’t solve everything but feel like you’ve lost the right to express any unhappiness

louisejxxx · 07/03/2020 21:34

As others have said - I think the way you counteract that feeling of undeserved-ness is by paying it forward...give some to a charity that the benefactor supported, put some in a savings account for your children if you have any so that they also benefit in the future, don’t be wasteful with it. Those are all ways that will help you justify and accept the money.

Chewbecca · 07/03/2020 21:47

I inherited 10 years ago from my great uncle who hadn’t ever married or had children of his own. I saw him maybe 10-15 in my life, my DH never met him (but I reckon they would have got on). I gave a little away. Bought a new car. Put some away. And made the decision to send DS to private school for primary, previously I had been wrangling that I felt he would not thrive at the school he was allocated, the inheritance made my decision easy & I am forever thankful for the peace of mind it gave us.

hotcrossbun4321 · 07/03/2020 21:50

Sort of - DH lost a parent young and the inheritance was well-managed so that when we got together in our early 20s we were in a more fortunate financial position than our peers - lovely holidays etc. I had had a very nice comfortable upbringing and had a sense that I was having more than my share of luck. A few years ago things changed spectacularly for the worse with family health and it's been horrendous and part of me thinks it's the universe balancing things out. Seeing a counsellor is helping rationalise things. Try and enjoy the money sensibly and don't feel guilty.

Kwkwjwkek · 07/03/2020 21:54

So you think that those that die in car accidents, die from heart attacks or die young deserve it. It’s their karma? No....exactly, so don’t worry. You haven’t done anything bad

Smokeyrobinson · 07/03/2020 21:59

My DD and I inherited a large amount from my lovely late Aunty. She was terminally ill and we were able to discuss the bequest before she died. She was very clear that she wanted us to use the money to ensure we didn't have to work so hard in the future.

I used the money to pay off my mortgage and this allowed me to stop working full time in a job I hated. I now have a much less stressful job and work part-time.

My DD put a substantial deposit down on her first home and put the rest in savings, which has allowed her to start a family. When I look at my beautiful, beloved grandson I always silently say thank you to my Aunty.

AutumnRose1 · 07/03/2020 22:00

I haven’t had this but it sounds like the guilt you can get when you get lucky in some random way.

Please just try to enjoy, it’s what the person would have wanted as well.

FireandFury · 07/03/2020 22:01

I inherited an unexpected and substantial inheritance from my dad and still feel guilty spending it even though I know deep down this is what he would have wanted.

SabineUndine · 07/03/2020 22:02

I inherited a lot of money from a relative I hadn't seen for many years. I wasn't the only one, though. I don't feel guilty, but I am grateful to the relative in question and think kindly of them more or less every day. What they did made a huge difference to me. I have been able to give a little to charities I had always wanted to support, and to food banks.

Enjoy the money you inherited. Don't feel guilty about it, but don't forget to be grateful.

ChickenyChick · 07/03/2020 22:09

everyone has some good luck and bad luck in life

Personally, I do not belief in karma and a "cosmic balance of fairness"

Some people are takers all their lives and get away with it

Try to just enjoy what it gives you (what does money mean to you? Does it mean things, or time, or freedom? To me it would give security knowing I'd have it when I'd need it, but am not a big spender and will never be. You and your DH can figure out what it means to you, and how to use it in a way that's helpful to your life)

WhatHappenedThen · 07/03/2020 22:28

Sounds like a whole lot of overthinking is going on. It’s just money 🤷🏻‍♀️
Chances are you are already much much luckier than many people born on this planet but I assume you don’t let that take over your thoughts. ‘Karma’ is a ridiculous concept, it doesn’t exist. If you want to give to charity then do so but don’t do it because you feel guilty do it because it’s a nice thing to do.

theflushedzebra · 07/03/2020 22:35

Do try to enjoy it OP, and put it to good use. The person who left it to you would have wanted that., no need to feel guilty. Money isn't everything, but it can afford a comfortable lifestyle, which is nice. Think of it that way, put some aside for your children, have nice times, put some away for your your futures, and give some to charity. That's a good balance.

gamerwidow · 07/03/2020 22:38

Not from nothing but we we inherited over £100k from DH's uncle who we only saw once a year at most. I felt very guilty because we weren't close and we didn't deserve or do anything to warrant having the money.

He wanted us to have it though it didn't come to us by default and I'd like to think we've spent it in a responsible way and he would be happy with how much it changed our life. I am grateful every day for it.

Don't feel guilty, spend it wisely and be grateful and thankful for your good fortune.

MimiLaRue · 07/03/2020 22:53

OP- would it help to think of it this way: something really bad already HAS happened - that person died. The fact they did something beautiful by leaving you their wealth/belongings means the awful thing that happened has been balanced out by their beautiful gift- to you. That doesnt mean them dying was "ok" or that it makes up for it. But it was their last wish that you had it- honour their final gift by allowing yourself to feel good about it and all the blessing it entails. Thats exactly what they intended when they left it to you.

NeckPainChairSearch · 07/03/2020 23:11

It’s just money

I think this is how I think about it as well.

In some ways, to feel undeserving of money is kind of holding wealth out to be the magical, ultimate prize. It's just money. It's not being granted eternal life.

We all need money, obviously, and having more of it is usually great, but reminding yourself that money really isn't the great touchstone of everything might help to reset your thoughts on it, OP.

LuluJakey1 · 07/03/2020 23:12

DH and I have both inherited money unexpectedly. The equivalent in total of a bit under half a million. It wasn't all at once and we used some to help us buy the house we have now, made a substantial donation to a charity in one of the people's memory and the rest sits in low risk investment accounts. We both feel guilty but they chose to leave their estates as they did. One was my aunt who never married or had children, one was DH's grandma who skipped a generation in her will, the other was my mam- who I had no idea had any money.DH also had inherited money before we married from his grandad.
I just wish my mam and aunt had spent their money on themselves.

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