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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? DH vs Me

57 replies

WWYD2016 · 06/03/2020 22:01

DH and I are constantly at loggerheads re soon to be 17 year old DS.
DS1 is a good kid, he's in 6th Form predicted A Levels A*, loves study, healthy hobbies, works one evening a week, volunteers another evening a week and has developed quite the social life, he's out every Friday/Saturday and comes home from school 7ish, this week alone he has been to 2 live music venues and is out with mates as I type. DH says he should not be out so much particularly on school nights, I think it's fine his school work and other extra curricular stuff is not suffering. Of course I'd love to see more of him and I'd love him to hang with his siblings more but I feel we're only young once.
DS has just rung to ask if he can sleep over at mates, I was about to say yes but DH says no way, he's summoned DS home and is mad, mad with DS cos he wants to be out all the time and mad with me cos he's fed up with my passiveness and not backing him up.
He's left for the solace of our bedroom and to distance himself from me.
AIBU?

OP posts:
Darbs76 · 06/03/2020 22:02

I’m with you on this - let him enjoy himself on the weekend

YgritteSnow · 06/03/2020 22:03

No you're not. Your DH sounds very controlling and pretty soon your good kid ds is going to start resenting these authoritarian and bullying demands and start rebelling. Then I suppose that will be your fault too won't it? Hmm

HappentoHappen · 06/03/2020 22:05

It’s Friday night, I think your DH is BU.

Your DS is almost a legal adult. Given that he’s fulfilling his other responsibilities and is otherwise pleasant, I think ordering him home is ridiculous. I’d be tending towards negotiating a “family night” or something with him if I really wanted to see him on. Friday or Saturday night, just like you would with an adult. He’s not a little kid.

Oldfail · 06/03/2020 22:05

I dont have a 17 year old but I remember my brothers at that age and I barely saw them. When I was 17 I was full time working and spent most evenings in my room playing online games. When I hit 18 and passed my driving test I spent alot of time "cruising" as I was big into my cars, going to the pub or whichever uni city my brothers were in.

So from my experience as long as he keeps up with the school work I dont think you are unfair.

I would encourage him to try and join in with some family activities but at that age I remember trying to find myself, a social circle and generally just having fun

RedRedWines · 06/03/2020 22:06

YANBU it’s totally normal his pulling away at this age. Ask your husband how much time he wanted to spend with his family at the age of 17. It will never be a nice environment when one family member is only there under orders

LemonFrenzy · 06/03/2020 22:07

A social life at that age is just as important as studying etc. They need a balance. YANBU. Your dh is. Maybe he's a bit jealous?

ShyTown · 06/03/2020 22:14

I agree with you. It’s Friday night, no school tomorrow, it’s completely normal for him to want to spend the night with friends and he’s being ordered home not to spend time together but presumably to go to bed in his own room given the time. It’s very unfair that your DH is angry with him and is trying to punish him over nothing. If he wants family time then how about planning something specific a week or so in advance and telling DS he’s expected e.g. a meal out, cinema, family game night, anything really. If your DH carries on like this he’ll push your DS, who sounds like a fantastic young man, away completely.

Serin · 06/03/2020 22:20

Congratulations on raising such a great son.
We saw a couple of DS1's friends spectacularly crash in their A levels last year so we are watching our 17 year old DS2 quite closely this year to make sure he doesn't go the same way.
This has largely taken the form of encouraging him to stay in a few nights a week to revise. He still goes out at the weekends though.
The exams are just a few weeks away now.

forrestgreen · 06/03/2020 22:21

So dh wants him home and has gone to bed and therefore won't see his son?

He'll be at uni next year I presume and will do what he wants. I always would just answer, it's up to you, what do you need to have done, will you have time to fit it all in if you do x.

You're there to prompt at his age, not as an enforcer.

Bombaybunty · 06/03/2020 22:35

My DS is the same age. He works a couple of evenings a week and goes out most weekends.
I don't mind if he goes out on a school night, but I expect him in by about 10.30.

On a Friday or Saturday night he can do as he pleases as long as l roughly know his plans. He often stays at his girlfriend's house or she stays here.

Your DH needs to cut those apron strings!

Original poster
WWYD2016 · 06/03/2020 23:04

Thank you for your replies, it's really driving a wedge between DH and I we have lost the ability to agree on what DS should or should not be allowed to do with his own time. We've both been at work all week and we now find ourselves with a strained weekend ahead of us...again.

OP posts:
Original poster
WWYD2016 · 07/03/2020 01:03

Bump

OP posts:
Splitsunrise · 07/03/2020 01:13

He’s 17....let the kid go out on a Friday night for gods sake! (To your DH)

AcrossthePond55 · 07/03/2020 01:27

Maybe your DH is one of the reasons that DS wants to be out all the time. Your DH sounds terribly critical of your DS to me. DS is doing all the right things and should be rewarded for that.

Bufferingkisses · 07/03/2020 01:33

Cam your dh articulate why ds shouldn't be doing these things? If his grades and attendance are good, he works to pay for this stuff and keeps up his hobbies/volunteer work I struggle to see where dh can actually find a problem? Is dh struggling with dealing with a young adult perhaps? Does ds do his fair share of keeping his room tidy etc?

Bufferingkisses · 07/03/2020 01:34

Tbh he sounds like one of those rare youngsters who is actually prepared for uni or the big outside world. The ones who struggle tend to be those who have no life experience or understanding of the world outside mum and dad.

PenisBeakerDipper · 07/03/2020 01:36

It’s Friday night, not a school night. All the kids will be out! We all did and I was in a crowd who mostly got As at A level and went onto RG unis...upon arriving at these we all continued to balance studying with a healthy social life. YANBU.

Hidingtonothing · 07/03/2020 01:42

I would be digging for the root of why DH is saying no, you can't solve this until you've unearthed that. If there isn't any logical reason DS can't do the things he wants to then DH will have to face up to the real reason, whatever that is. I would keep firing back factual responses to his objections, all the stuff you said in your OP basically, and see whether that makes DH realise he's being irrational and reacting that way for some emotional reason of his own. Being generous he might just be struggling to accept DS is growing up and he has to start to let go, but he needs to realise he will drive him away if he carries on like this.

JuanSheetIsPlenty · 07/03/2020 01:47

Your DH is strange!

What is his reasoning for DS to stay at home tonight? Does he have an early sports match or exam or something tomorrow?

Tbh it sounds like your DH just doesn’t like the thought of your DS having too much freedom or fun.

17 is the time to be be out with friends, sleeping over, going to live music events. He has the rest of his life to sit in on Friday evenings. As long as his sleep and school work isn’t suffering then I don’t see why you would restrict him. He’s doing well.

PyongyangKipperbang · 07/03/2020 02:02

If his grades where suffering then maybe I would side with "D"H but as he doing well at school, whilst also managing to have a healthy social life (not a feat I managed to achieve!) then I would be happy with him staying out too.

Has DH actually explained why he has this problem? I'll be honest, I smell envy....

Aveisenim · 07/03/2020 02:04

Jeez I was barely home at 17 and moved out at 18! Your DH IBVU

McCanne · 07/03/2020 02:05

He sounds like a great kid. I don’t really understand his dads problem as your son seems to be balancing everything fine going by your description. He building his own life. YANBU.

katy1213 · 07/03/2020 02:21

It's Friday night and he's 17! I'm surprised he's asking you, rather than telling you.
As for 'family night' by appointment - I can't imagine anything I'd have wanted less at that age. Is your husband jealous and feeling middle-aged? Or that he's being ousted as cock of the walk? He's making a prat of himself and could end up driving your son away.

BitOfFun · 07/03/2020 02:23

I'm with you on this. I remember my mum having similar concerns about me at that age, but what she didn't get was that the time I spent with friends on the same courses as me often involved talking about what we were studying. I passed with top marks, so she worried for nothing.

Whatifitallgoesright · 07/03/2020 02:28

He's lost control and he's all a panic. I suppose you need to sit down with him and tell him that from the outside it looks like he's a big controlly bastard - if that wasn't the look he was going for then he needs to have a rethink about how he comes off.