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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? DH vs Me

57 replies

WWYD2016 · 06/03/2020 22:01

DH and I are constantly at loggerheads re soon to be 17 year old DS.
DS1 is a good kid, he's in 6th Form predicted A Levels A*, loves study, healthy hobbies, works one evening a week, volunteers another evening a week and has developed quite the social life, he's out every Friday/Saturday and comes home from school 7ish, this week alone he has been to 2 live music venues and is out with mates as I type. DH says he should not be out so much particularly on school nights, I think it's fine his school work and other extra curricular stuff is not suffering. Of course I'd love to see more of him and I'd love him to hang with his siblings more but I feel we're only young once.
DS has just rung to ask if he can sleep over at mates, I was about to say yes but DH says no way, he's summoned DS home and is mad, mad with DS cos he wants to be out all the time and mad with me cos he's fed up with my passiveness and not backing him up.
He's left for the solace of our bedroom and to distance himself from me.
AIBU?

OP posts:
lovepickledlimes · 07/03/2020 05:09

Wgat you describe is very much the difference between my parents but the other way around only difference is that by the age your son is my mum had sole custody of me.

I can see both sides here and if your sob was not getting A* and by the sounds of it responsible I would agree with your husband.

Do these grades come easy to your son and your DH thinks that he should be more dedicated and put in more effort etc like go the extra mile etc? Or does he think that though he gets good grades he has bad study habits? Some people are very naturally clever etc. Is it the friends he has issues with? does he worry they could potentially be a bad influence etc?

My mum trusted that me and my friends were all good girls that caused no trouble but still usually only allowed me to sleep over once a week at their place and to be back by noon. When my dad looked after me for a month when I was 14 and I got back at 4pm he honestly said he had not expected me back till Sunday when he had agreed to let me sleep out on Friday.

Neither were wrong it's just my mum was more of worrier and therefore preferred me with her etc.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 07/03/2020 05:34

Your H is being unreasonable. 17 year olds don't want/need to be home all the time.

SometimesMaybe · 07/03/2020 07:33

Ultimately he is being unreasonable but it comes from a good place. These exams are important but also employers are looking for more rounded personalities so extra curricular activities and developing good social skills are important too and also for your sons mental health.

The exams are a good bit away - could you reach a compromise that during exam weeks he scales down the extra stuff but that it’s ok to go and hang out now?

Springsnake · 07/03/2020 07:50

So your ds ,phoned and asked permission for a sleep over
He didn’t go just go and leave you worried all night
What a lovely thoughtful young man

BraveGoldie · 07/03/2020 07:53

What @Hidingtonothing said.

Unless this is the latest in a long line of rigid, controlling behavior from your DH, then it sounds to me like he is 'triggered' by this situation to be a bit irrational. There will be an anxiety or emotional issue underneath what is happening - whether it is jealousy of your son having what sounds like a great life just starting up, or fears of letting go, or grief at losing him as he grows up..,,

Try to help him focus on the feelings if is triggering in him, and any memories that brings up for him... rather than focusing on the rights/ wrongs of what you DS should be doing....

Your DS sounds awesome!

cptartapp · 07/03/2020 07:59

I have a 17 year old DS at college. He has a pt job, hobbies and is no real trouble. I feel selfishly sad for us as a family he's living such a great life with mates and some days I barely see him, but as long as his studies are ok I have to let it go.
Life will be hard enough for this generation in the coming years. He's healthy and happy, let him get on with it.

rwalker · 07/03/2020 08:00

If he's carried on like this he will just rebel soon he'll be 18 an adult.
YBH seriously impressed that a 17 comes home when you say.

Honeyned · 07/03/2020 08:11

Your son sounds like a lovely well rounded young man. I agree with you OP, he needs downtime at the weekends

fiddledefiddle · 07/03/2020 08:28

Ds is of an age where he gets to decide.

Hillocrew · 07/03/2020 08:43

Your son sounds a great lad. You should be very proud of him.

Your husband has lost perspective and has gotten himself in a panic. He's maybe imagining worst case scenario
17 drops out of school
No job
No prospects
No friends
Stays in his room 24/7

This isn't going to happen to your son and he needs to see your son's strength of character and how that's building. Your son sounds like he's living life to the full while still achieving good grades and holding down a job. I'm so glad he's got you on his side ... and I really hope your husbands stance doesn't alienate your son or cause a rift between you and DH

LangSpartacusCleg · 07/03/2020 08:49

It is a Friday night, DS should be able to enjoy himself.

Cut back on the weekday stuff if you are worried about his school achievement. But only if you are worried about his school achievement. Chilling out in a Friday after a week of schoolwork would actually be good for DS.

(And I say that as a teacher).

Notajogger · 07/03/2020 08:57

Your DH sounds very controlling and pretty soon your good kid ds is going to start resenting these authoritarian and bullying demands and start rebelling

This. My father was like this, it was a power/control thing and I resented him and didn't respect him. Your husband will end up hurting his relationship with your son.

Littlemeadow123 · 07/03/2020 08:59

Social life and pulling away a bit are important at this age. It will set him up for Uni, when you won't be around and he needs to strike out on his own

ByeMF · 07/03/2020 09:06

It sounds like your husband can't cope with your son transitioning into adulthood.

My DD is 17. I barely see her. She met up with friends last night then stayed over with her boyfriend. The socialising at this stage is part of normal development. If you look at any book on child development, whether academic or aimed at parents, they all cover this.

Your husband is being unreasonable. You are enabling your son to grow up.

TheSoapyFrog · 07/03/2020 09:07

DH is definitely BU. DS staying home on a friday night isn't going to affect his school work. I could maybe understand if DH wanted to do something together as a family or take DS out just the two of them, but to then sulk in his room is just daft.
Your DS seems well rounded so what you've been doing so far must be the right thing.

ineedaholidaynow · 07/03/2020 09:11

I am amazed he manages to fit all this in and get his college work done, but if he is then there shouldn’t be a problem.

It would be good to maybe do a family meal once in a while. Does he do anything round the house to help? I assume if he gets in at 7 in an evening would he be expecting dinner to be ready for him, or does he prepare his own meal?

islandislandisland · 07/03/2020 09:12

From someone who works with teenagers, if your son is bothering to phone and ask permission then IMO he should be rewarded with getting to do what he's asked for in this instance. Plenty of 17 year olds won't do that! If your DH keeps on like this you might find he stops asking and just does as he likes seeing as being thoughtful isn't getting him anywhere, and then you've got more of a problem on your hands.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 07/03/2020 09:15

Your son is months away from being an adult; legally he could do whatever the heck he likes soon enough. It's part of being a parents that your DH can't control things; does he understand that?

If the grades dropped or the homework/coursework wasn't being done I'd see your DH's point. But his current "mad" and "summoning" bullshit is having no positive impact on anyone's life and serves no purpose. Your DH needs to learn to deal with his own behaviour and issues.

stophuggingme · 07/03/2020 09:18

YANBU
At all
Your husband is being controlling and with a 17 year old that will never end well.
What will he do when your son leaves for uni? Demand he comes home every weekend for family time? Hmm

Yogawoogie · 07/03/2020 09:25

Your ds sounds like a very well rounded young man.
If his grades or work were suffering I would agree with your dh but as it’s not I agree with you.
Having friends and socialising is just as important as grades, work and hobbies.
Maybe the three of you need to sit down together and discuss how you can compromise to make you all happy.

OhLook · 07/03/2020 09:27

He's 17! I'm very surprised he's even asking you.

TheSmelliestHouse · 07/03/2020 09:32

Dh is vvvv bu

VeganCow · 07/03/2020 09:33

At 17 my 2 were informing me of their plans, not asking permission. At 17 I was often out all night and parents never tried to dictate anything. Your husband is weird and controlling and I would have over ridden him and texted son that I would see him tomorrow.

N0tfinished · 07/03/2020 09:37

My DH has these tendencies too. It's very frustrating to be the constant go-between peacemaker between the two of them.

YADNBU. Your DS has to learn to socialize & be in the world while still having the security of home. It's not good to suddenly kick them out to Uni or work with no clue how to deal with that.

Commonwasher · 07/03/2020 09:39

Perhaps your husband should talk to someone about his reluctance to let his son have any freedom? If your son goes to uni he will not want to come home in the holidays if he is treated like a ten year old. If your DH wants a good relationship with his boy he’ll have to loosen his grip.