AIBU? DH vs Me

[WWYD2016]

DH and I are constantly at loggerheads re soon to be 17 year old DS.
DS1 is a good kid, he's in 6th Form predicted A Levels A*, loves study, healthy hobbies, works one evening a week, volunteers another evening a week and has developed quite the social life, he's out every Friday/Saturday and comes home from school 7ish, this week alone he has been to 2 live music venues and is out with mates as I type. DH says he should not be out so much particularly on school nights, I think it's fine his school work and other extra curricular stuff is not suffering. Of course I'd love to see more of him and I'd love him to hang with his siblings more but I feel we're only young once.
DS has just rung to ask if he can sleep over at mates, I was about to say yes but DH says no way, he's summoned DS home and is mad, mad with DS cos he wants to be out all the time and mad with me cos he's fed up with my passiveness and not backing him up.
He's left for the solace of our bedroom and to distance himself from me.
AIBU?

I'm afraid I would simply have gone against DH and told DD that of course he could stay with his friend, but to be back by something like midday so that he could do some school work before his next outing.

Your DH is being very silly and controlling. You have a lovely, considerate young man there by the sound of it. If he keeps meeting a brick wall from his controlling arse of a Dad then he will very possibly stop calling to ask you at all.

To be honest, if my daughter (same age, also in sixth form and predicted A*s) called to ask me if she could stay with a friend I would give her the answer. DH wouldn't be involved unless it was a request for something really big, which a sleepover isn't.

Sorry, I would have told DS that he could have stayed with his friend. I have DDs, you have a DS, so my phone keeps autocorrecting DS to DD now.

I moved out because of being treated like a four year old. After all, what can your husband actually do if DS doesn't obey? Go and hunt him down, bundle him into the back of the car and then lock him in his room? Chuck him out?

If your DC is being spoken to like an infant, there is a good chance that he'll either do what I did - not come back ever again - or he'll suck it up until university next year, apply to one as far away as physically possible and never return.

I agree DH is BU but perhaps he is missing having DS around the house? BU isn’t always from a place of controlling or domineering. Sometimes men get the empty nest syndrome too, it’s not always the stereotype of the mother missing her children when they are almost adults and always out.

Did your dh struggle at that age or is he struggling to see his ds as an adult?

Congratulations, you've raised an independant DS with an active social life!

As long as DS's studies or exhaustion levels aren't suffering then I wouldn't worry in the slightest he's out enjoying himself. Wish I had his energy!!

How he is funding all his social activities however? If its the bank of mum and dad at 17 then that's something that can be addressed with a wee part-time job and budget planner. May not be but is this maybe part of whats irking DH so much? Has he expressed otherwise why he's so against his socialising?

Maybe a weekly or fortnightly 'family time dinner' round the table might pacify DH if that's his main gripe. Sure the kids wouldn't object to that if it means they can socialise to their hearts content the rest of the time.

Why does your husband not want your son to have his own life? Is it because he is worried about burn out or grades? Or the old 'treating this house like a hotel' thing? Or does he actually just miss him and want to see him more? The thing is he can get him to stay in with him but will either of them enjoy it, knowing that it's because one of you has been forced to be there and doesnt want to be? What would be the point of that? What's he going to do when your son hits 18 or leaves home and he cant 'forbid' anything any more? I think at 17/18 they shouldn't have to ask for things like staying at a friends, they should be informing you (unless you've got plans).

Have you spoken to your son to say his dad misses him and would like him to spend some time together once in a while? Have you encouraged your husband to do things your son likes with him - it sounds like he enjoys being out and about so why doesnt your husband (or all of you) go out and do something your son would enjoy, book some tickets to an event hed like or something?

It's normal at 17 to not want to spend loads of time with your parents, and I'm not sure forcing them to if they dont want to, would benefit anyone (exceptions if say a parent travels for work and is rarely home and wants to catch up with family, or its someones birthday and they want a family meal etc - then I think it's ok to insist).

I'm not sure why your husband sees it as you not backing him up, when equally he isn't backing you up about giving your son some freedom.