To be upset that my ex parters mother just dropped my dcs off without seeing they got through the door?

[Chociefish]

Exactly this. This is the second time she has done this. One of my dc is 10 the other 5 and is diagnosed ASC. I was upstairs tiding and heard nothing until my dc were banging on the door to be let in. We lock the door when we are in by way of habit as it's safer with a child that can do a runner.
Help, how on earth do I handle this one. All suggestions gratefully received before I shoot my mouth off!

If you have a good relationship with her, call her directly. If not, speak to your exP and just say “when your mum drops the dc off, can you please ask her to come to the door with them as today I didn’t hear them arrive and they were outside alone as I came downstairs”. Simple and straight to the point. You need to nip this in the bud and she may not realise (different generation) that it is upsetting you.

I would be livid and definitely shout my mouth off at her. Whenever I take my granddaughter to her mum's house I always knock and pop in for a few minutes, but we are on good terms since she divorced my son. Even if we weren't, I would wait until you opened the door and let the kids in before I drove off.

Just text her and ask that she wait until DC are through the door as DC is a flight risk. No need to go all big drama.

Text her and say, "just checking when you're bringing the kids back, it's getting a bit late".

That should scare her straight.

I wish we we're on good terms. She was in her sons words venomous towards me for the whole of the 13 year long relationship. She likes me even less now. I would be more than happy to have a sensible cooperative relationship with his family and I have no desire to stop the dc having a relationship with them but their stubborn unwillingness to even acknowledge that I exist is quite frankly draining me.

I don't understand why this is a problem really. She drops them off at the agreed time, she knows you're home, and presumably watches them walk into the garden and to the door.

The eldest is 10. Lots of the parents at my school would allow a 10yo to walk home and let themselves into the house. I know you have a 5yo too, but then they've only got to get from the kerb to the door.

Obviously if I've misunderstood and she drops them off at random, unexpected times then that's different and definitely a problem.

@Mrsterrypratchett. Novel solution but not sure I have the b*ocks for it😂

I'd have no problem with a 10 year old being just dropped off. And unless the 5 year old is prone to bolting or something, they should be able to watch them for a couple of minutes while you come to the door?
(as per PP I'm assuming you knew they were due to arrive and it wasn't some random drop off time).

Why not just give the 10 year old a key (and a brick phone for emergencies)?

@letmeinthroughyourwindow the problem we have is that she will not speak to me. She won't accept my phone number and I aren't allowed hers. All communication goes through my ex. I ask for a time of return but they are never stuck to by a potential hour either side. To say this woman hates me is an understatement, she cannot even bring herself to call the dc by their real surname as it would acknowledge my name.

@Redskyatnight the 5 yo is diagnosed ASC. She does not communicate well, has learning difficulties and prone to running off.

I think since you are home and one dc is 10 it should be fine having them go in alone.

Why is she having your DC if she can’t bring herself to speak to you or allow you her number?

I wouldn't be helping my children have contact with someone who hated me that much. I'd leave that for their Dad to organise.

Agree.

Does she actually wait in the car and watch for you opening the door though? If so, that should be fine as she’s making sure they go through the Door. No need for her to get out the car and walk them to the door I would think.

Stop contact till you have a phone number and an agreement to make sure the children are safe.
To be honest if she's too toxic for you tjen shes too toxic for your kids - I knowvits trotted out every time in thease situations - but thsts because its true.
Children learn relationships from what they see and hear - They see she is disrespectful to you and god knows what they are hearing from her about you!

Dont let her have them then she doesnt have any rights

If she is so difficult then I’d pick the dcs up myself. Then you’re not waiting around for them.

Why is your door locked. If the reason you lock the door is outside trying to get in?

Most people lock their doors what a weird thing to split hairs about.

I think people are missing the point. What if op was delayed for some reason, 5 year old bolted.

Is this contact with dad? Can you talk to him.

My house door is always locked if I am in . No idea why it’s an issue?

Why are you letting such a nasty bitch have your dc? Is it your ex’s contact time and she brings them back? I wouldn’t be facilitating contact with her at all.

Giving her the benefit of the doubt, it is possible I suppose that she knew you were home - saw you move past an upstairs window, downstairs windows open, could hear music or vacuum cleaner or whatever.

Did she speed off as soon as she saw the door opening maybe? Because I think that would be fine.

If not, and since she is prone to bringing them back at unexpected times I think it would be entirely reasonable to ask, via dp, if she can just watch from the kerb until you open the door.

If you don’t have her number and no way of contacting her she should not be allowed to be in sole charge of your kids. That’s nuts. I would allow anyone to take care of my kids alone if they couldn’t reach me quickly.

Does she wait in the car to check they have got in? Or just drop
And drive?