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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset that my ex parters mother just dropped my dcs off without seeing they got through the door?

59 replies

Chociefish · 06/03/2020 20:17

Exactly this. This is the second time she has done this. One of my dc is 10 the other 5 and is diagnosed ASC. I was upstairs tiding and heard nothing until my dc were banging on the door to be let in. We lock the door when we are in by way of habit as it's safer with a child that can do a runner.
Help, how on earth do I handle this one. All suggestions gratefully received before I shoot my mouth off!

OP posts:
EveoftheWar · 07/03/2020 07:43

I think now is the time to say she can no longer be trusted with them.

TheTiaraManager · 07/03/2020 07:44

Agree unacceptable to leave before the door was opened. Even if she stuck to an agreed drop off time something could happen ie you running late meaning she drives off leaving the kids alone!

I think you need to speak to your ex and explain the risk of her not waiting an extra few seconds

lookingforadvice8372829 · 07/03/2020 07:51

People are fussing over minor details here.

The point is she left a 5 year old who is prone to running away, alone on a doorstep with a older child who may not be capable of dealing with such a situation.

The very bare minimum I would expect is for her to walk them from the car to the door/garden gate/ end of driveway, and wait to see them go inside and ensure the door was closed behind them.

No need to talk or engage with you if it's such a struggle for her but just make sure the kids are handed over safely.

However you go about it you need to make sure she knows it's not acceptable and contact will be stopped if she's not prepared to hand them over safely.

BlueEyedPersephone · 07/03/2020 07:51

If you don’t have her number and no way of contacting her she should not be allowed to be in sole charge of your kids. That’s nuts. I would allow anyone to take care of my kids alone if they couldn’t reach me quickly

This in spades...... what if you or her had an emergency/ accident the kids could have been stranded for hours with no way to contact you, time for a phone to travel with your 10yr if she will not be reasonable

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 07/03/2020 07:54

Does the ten year old not have a key? Surely they can let themselves and the five year old in?

TabbyMumz · 07/03/2020 07:55

I dont understand why you allow your kids near her if she clearly hates you.

PerfectParrot · 07/03/2020 08:07

Any five year old should be handed over to another adult, but especially one who has a tendency to run. In the unlikely event that you'd had an accident the children would have been left on the doorstep for goodness knows how long. Totally irresponsible of her.

troublein2020 · 07/03/2020 08:11

Well you are a bigger person than me. I don’t think I would allow someone to be around my children who despised me so much. I wouldn’t trust them not to say things to my children.
If she wouldn’t allow me to call her or blocked my number etc then it would be a definite no-go. I’d want to know that civil communication could happen in an emergency.

PennyArrowBar · 07/03/2020 08:21

In have no desire to stop the dc having a relationship with them but their stubborn unwillingness to even acknowledge that I exist is quite frankly draining me.

Somebody who is venomous about you, won't call your children by their actual names because she doesn't like you, refuses to have any form of contact number for you etc, is not someone if be comfortable leaving my children with.

Leaving a 5 yo who is prone to bolting alone on a doorstep because she doesn't want to communicate with you is incredibly childish and shows a disregard for your kids safety too. She hates you more than she loves them. Like fuck would she be having my children.

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/03/2020 08:28

Perhaps someone a lot more experienced than me will come along. Hi dickhead. Your mum dropped the dcs off yesterday, and drove off before they went in. Just wondering if you made her aware dc2 runs off without warning. I’m sure she wouldn’t want to be responsible for a squashed child.

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/03/2020 08:30

I’m presuming he is managing contact with her, not you btw and she dropped them off on his contact time. It sounds unfortunately like you need to manage this.

Nanny0gg · 07/03/2020 08:41

How does the OP stop this woman having contact if the Ex allows it/She's returning the children for him?

Disfordarkchocolate · 07/03/2020 08:45

I think it's time for consequences. Tell your X this arrangement stops until she agrees to turn up within 15 minutes of an agreed time or texts/rings you when she drops them off and waits until you open the door.

Original poster
Chociefish · 07/03/2020 09:46

Update, @Mummyoflittledragon, @BlueEyedPersephone, @lookingforadvice8372829 and lots more I could add. I totally agree that if this was just my eldest then she would have a key and that would be that. The problem is I never know when she will be having them as this is decided by my ex. He tends to use his mother when he wants to jib or do something else. I have messaged my ex, he is apparently in agreement that she shouldn't have just driven off before the dc got to the door. However him saying this to her is not a given. Even if she had my number in case of emergency I am positive that she would contact my ex not me. I have no idea what my rights are or hers for that matter and I would prefer if there was no contact with her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chociefish · 07/03/2020 09:48

Just a note about locking the door. It's locked because one of the simplest ways for a thief to take a car is to open your back door, take the keys from where you put them and drive off. Easier to just lock the door.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 07/03/2020 09:55

Can your 10 year old ask her to wait until they're in the door?

JoshArcherStoleMyTractor · 07/03/2020 10:36

You can't change other people especially ones who don't like you. Give your ten year old a key and keep an eye out when they are due back.

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/03/2020 10:37

Good that he is at least in agreement. Can you send him a breezy response saying you’d be grateful if he could talk to her about it?

If once you’ve done this, and if she does it again, I think that would be the time to get upset. You can’t control what he does on contact time so that would be the time to threaten to stop.

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/03/2020 10:38

I agree your 10 yo needs a key.

Seeline · 07/03/2020 10:43

I think the 10 to needs a key and a simple phone with your numbers programmed in.

PicaK · 07/03/2020 10:54

Keys, phones, unlocked doors. Pah!
I wouldn't drive off without checking my friends - grown women who own their own house - had got in the door OK.
She put her grandkids at risk to snub you. That's just vile.

JRUIN · 07/03/2020 11:19

This woman is putting your DC's in potential danger OP. Time to put your foot down. Tell your ex that if his mother drives off before seeing that the kids are safely indoors one more time you will seek legal action to stop her having them at all, and mean it.

dontdisturbmenow · 07/03/2020 11:21

If it was only your 5 yo, fair enough, but he is with your 10yo. I think you are overeacting.

underfall · 07/03/2020 11:26

I agree - it doesn’t sound like a good idea to let your children visit her without a parent with them.

Their father should be dealing with this. If his mother wants a relationship with her grandchildren, and he also wants that to happen, he’s the only that can make that happen - by taking his children to visit her and staying with them throughout the visit and bringing them home safe and sound.

Porcupineinwaiting · 07/03/2020 11:28

It's not ideal but there is nothing you can do about it other than give your 10 year old a door key and tell them to keep a sharp eye on the 5 year old.