To be upset that my ex parters mother just dropped my dcs off without seeing they got through the door?

[Chociefish]

Exactly this. This is the second time she has done this. One of my dc is 10 the other 5 and is diagnosed ASC. I was upstairs tiding and heard nothing until my dc were banging on the door to be let in. We lock the door when we are in by way of habit as it's safer with a child that can do a runner.
Help, how on earth do I handle this one. All suggestions gratefully received before I shoot my mouth off!

”The problem is I never know when she will be having them as this is decided by my ex.”

I don’t quite get why you would agree to this unreasonable and unsafe arrangement. If you feel uneasy about the MIL looking after your children, I think you should put your foot down.

@underfall she cant unless she can prove in court that MiL is unfit/unsafe to have them. Their father is entitled to make arrangements for their care as he sees fit whilst they are with him.

I wouldn't drive off without checking my friends - grown women who own their own house - had got in the door OK. She put her grandkids at risk to snub you. That's just vile

^This

At least your ex is in agreement. But if he won't speak to her about it you're in a tricky position as it's during his contact time...

I would insist she does no pick up and drop offs and that it's to be your ex. Your ex by all means can have whoever he sees fit to look after them. But drop and returns I would say to only be him.

DH ex is like that. She opens the door and from the age of 3 dsd was just sent out to the car the second we pulled in the close.. If she had anything to tell us it would be written on paper.. God knows why.

”she cant unless she can prove in court that MiL is unfit/unsafe to have them. Their father is entitled to make arrangements for their care as he sees fit whilst they are with him.”

Not unsafe arrangements!

I am the same as other PP, if I drop my DM off at her flat, I always wait until she has got in the main front door.

If you don’t have a set drop off time, how does she know you are going to be in? Could you have a key safe? Would she listen to your DC if he asked for to walk up the path or wait by the gate until they were inside. Could they say they were worried that their younger sibling might run off before they were in the house.

”Even if she had my number in case of emergency I am positive that she would contact my ex not me. I have no idea what my rights are or hers for that matter and I would prefer if there was no contact with her.”

That’s the first thing to establish. There must be advice agencies who would be able to tell you, but I don’t know which ones to suggest. My ex’s wife used to treat me as an unperson , but my children were older, and their dad always picked them up and was present whenever they were staying. Maybe someone else will suggest where you can go for advice on what steps you can take to fix this.

OP - I've done some searching online. It seems there is a programme called Cygnet, which many local authorities make available for free for the parents of ASD children aged 5-19. Maybe it would be worth looking on your council's website to see whether they offer it?

If you and your ex both attended a course like this, I should think it would include discussion of how to keep an ASD child safe at all times. Do you think your ex would be willing to attend such a programme voluntarily, if it was for both parents? If he realised that the dropping-off issue is a safety matter, he would perhaps want to make sure that the children are brought back home safely. And it does sound like a helpful course for anyone caring for a child with an AS condition.

Here’s a link to one council's brief description of the programme:

www.brent.gov.uk/services-for-residents/children-and-family-support/parenting-support/parenting-programmes/cygnet-programme/

@underfall the cygnet course is very good and both myself and my ex have attended our local council for this.
My ex is in agreement that she should not have driven off. There often seems to be a generational thing where grandparents often conclude that there's no such thing as autism the child is just naughty. My mum also struggles with grasping that my youngest is different and often just shakes her head in disgust.
Your point is a great one though. My mission tonight is to see if I can find something printable regarding safety to pass on to her.