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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so upset for my DS

75 replies

littleblackdress04 · 06/03/2020 15:04

DS has an old friend from primary whose lives have moved in a different direction I guess- his friend went to private school & DS to the local comp (with all his other mates too)

The other kid lives in a very big house- we live in a small rented flat (we can’t afford to buy at the moment but we have good jobs etc- we are just priced out)

DS’s friend said to him last week that he didn’t want to hang out with him anymore as he was ‘poor’ - DS is so devastated and feels embarrassed.

I feel really awful for him- we are a normal family with a nice life- we aren’t poor- but we aren’t loaded either but this kid obviously measures stuff by house size etc

Aibu to feel really upset for DS- I think he’s embarrassed of the way we live. How do you deal with shit like this? I have said to him that it’s about how much we love each other & not property but it’s really upset him.

Also, bloody little shit of a ‘friend’ - how would you deal with it?

OP posts:
Solasum · 06/03/2020 15:07

I think your DS has had a lucky escape to be honest. His ‘friend’ sounds awful.

WinterCat · 06/03/2020 15:09

It’s a shame your DS wasn’t able to tell his so-called-friend that actually he was the one who didn’t want to be friends with him anymore because he (the so-called-friend, not your DS) was a judgemental twat!

I think all you can do is say to your DS that some people are just unpleasant and unkind. Ultimately there are much more important things in life than having a big house or large bank balance.

SparkyBlue · 06/03/2020 15:10

Your DS absolutely does not need that so called friend in his life.

Original poster
littleblackdress04 · 06/03/2020 15:11

They are only 13 so young too- I just don’t want DS feeling ‘less‘ somehow. It’s upset me to be honest as it’s made me feel a failure too

OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 06/03/2020 15:15

I would explain to my son that sadly that he wasnt a real friend anyway. Real friends dont judge and dont rate people based on what they can afford.
I would also stress how lucky you are financially, and let him know how others in the country, indeed in the world struggle for the basics in life.

Lightsabre · 06/03/2020 15:16

Are you sure that is what was said? Children can sometimes add weight to a throwaway comment.

Ellisandra · 06/03/2020 15:16

You need to start by not allowing it to make you feel a failure. You’re not. You have to believe that yourself though, and give them same message to your son. I’d not hold back - I’d tell me son quite robustly that his old friend was being an arsehole.

As they were primary friends, I assume you have the parents’ number? I’d be telling them what he said. My kids have a pretty large house at their dad’s - if I heard they’d said that, I would be tearing a strip off them.

katy1213 · 06/03/2020 15:17

Tell him that he plenty of time to earn money and buy a mansion of his own - and his friend has plenty of time to land in the gutter!

Original poster
littleblackdress04 · 06/03/2020 15:18

@Lightsabre that’s what DS said- it could have been slightly different but it seems to be that the kid was having a pop at him. He’s been so upset

OP posts:
Herocomplex · 06/03/2020 15:18

It’s all about the idea of feeling shame. The ‘friend’ sounds like someone with a skewed idea of what friendship is, but that won’t help your son right now.

We live in a really unequal society and it’s a big part of everyone’s life. You need to talk about having self-worth and not allowing other people to dictate what you are. Friends come and go, and it’s a shame this particular one felt the need to behave so badly.

If it’s any consolation I’ve heard it so many times from children and parents who think they’re a cut above based on what’s in their pockets. It’s shallow and unlikely to foster meaningful friendships in the future.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 06/03/2020 15:20

I think if it was my ds I'd make an exception to the rule and let him tell his ex friend to go fuck himself.

dontgobaconmyheart · 06/03/2020 15:23

Crikey OP, I thought they'd be a lot younger than 13. 13 is more than old enough to know that's a) nonsense and b) extremely rude and unkind.

Certainly sit down with your DS and explain what absolute nonsense that is and that sadly some people are snobs and that is their loss, and certainly not how people worth hangimg out with choose their friends. Dd's 13 year old mate hasn't even got a penny to his name personally has he, it's objectively laughable if it weren't sad for your DS.

If you're on good terms with the parents I would communicate it has been said. I'd want to know so I could nip that right in the bud if my DS has said it to another child- it's awful.

Original poster
littleblackdress04 · 06/03/2020 15:25

I come from a fairly wealthy family and grew up in a big house. But my childhood was unhappy as my parents got divorced etc & I never felt supported. To me- while I would rather own my own home- it’s just not been possible - but my kids are loved!

OP posts:
Isadora2007 · 06/03/2020 15:28

I’ve said yabu as you are actually modelling the shame your son feels too instead of helping him see that the only person who should feel shame is the ex friend. That neither his friend nor him have done anything to influence the social setting into which they were born- so they don’t really have the right to feel proud of it nor ashamed- it is what it is. However this is a prime opportunity to talk to your son about what really matter- values and character traits and actions and words. But when your actions and words don’t tie up- what are you really showing him?

Ellisandra · 06/03/2020 15:31

Your son might not even be feeling shame - it might just be righteous anger at his old friend being a dick!

Porcupineinwaiting · 06/03/2020 15:33

^^what @Isadora2007 said. Why are you giving the opinion of an 13 year old twit headspace?

JeremyCorbynsTopLip · 06/03/2020 15:34

More proof that private secondary education has the chance to mould kids into this, I second a PP and let him know he's free to tell him to fuck himself.

AJPTaylor · 06/03/2020 15:35

My 3 learned that what your parents have is not down to you as a child. Some will have more, some less but it's irrelevant. I would frame it that your ds has outgrown his friends narrow view of the world.

feebeecat · 06/03/2020 15:41

Lucky escape - that is not a friend.
Similar happened to dd in junior school, only difference was her friend wasn’t actually wealthy. Her mother had/has huge delusions of grandeur, which were obviously rubbing off. Her dd was vile to both of mine.
They no longer are in contact and occasionally I bump into her mum, who will tell her of all the fabulous things her dd is now doing - but will fail to mention the rat infestation they are currently dealing with, or fact house is falling down around them - I know her neighbour Grin
Dd was very upset at the time, but can now see essentially what shallow people they are.

Genevieva · 06/03/2020 15:45

Not only does your son not need this 'friend' but your son should use it to prove this boy wrong. I am sure he has perfectly nice school friends. I am also sure he can get a perfectly good education at his school and can go on to achieve good things. Wouldn't it be funny if he came out the other end with better results.

Rebellenny · 06/03/2020 15:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MatildaTheCat · 06/03/2020 15:49

I would 100% contact his parents and let them know about this. I’m sure they will be mortified and would rather know.

As for your son, well it’s awful for him but he does have other, real, friends and is old enough to recognise that his ex mate has, in fact, made a monumental tit of himself.

Someone on here made a great comment about people who have only money are truly poor.

HeartyGreenSalad · 06/03/2020 15:53

I think the embarrassment lies with the other boy . Sadly there are people who think like that , I pity them

DingleberryRose · 06/03/2020 15:57

The kid has in-intentionally done your son a favour. He’s not a real friend!

halfsoaked · 06/03/2020 15:58

We've seen that often with previously lovely children who go to private school and turn into horrible little entitled brats.