To be so upset for my DS

[littleblackdress04]

DS has an old friend from primary whose lives have moved in a different direction I guess- his friend went to private school & DS to the local comp (with all his other mates too)

The other kid lives in a very big house- we live in a small rented flat (we can’t afford to buy at the moment but we have good jobs etc- we are just priced out)

DS’s friend said to him last week that he didn’t want to hang out with him anymore as he was ‘poor’ - DS is so devastated and feels embarrassed.

I feel really awful for him- we are a normal family with a nice life- we aren’t poor- but we aren’t loaded either but this kid obviously measures stuff by house size etc

Aibu to feel really upset for DS- I think he’s embarrassed of the way we live. How do you deal with shit like this? I have said to him that it’s about how much we love each other & not property but it’s really upset him.

Also, bloody little shit of a ‘friend’ - how would you deal with it?

Teens fall in and out all the time. I wouldn't give any of it another thought. It's odd that you jumped to it being about property and I think your response to all of this is more about your insecurities than your DS'.

I've always been quite pragmatic about money. There are people who are richer than me and some who are poorer. You can't measure your value or worth by it. I didn't realise I was poor until I went to university because until that point most people I met were the same. I wasn't upset when I realised because I never felt 'poor'.

That's horrible, littleblackdress, but kids often say nasty things to each other which they don't really mean. I feel for your son though, it's hurtful.
You're not that poor either, are you. It's all relative.

It’s upset me to be honest as it’s made me feel a failure too

Well that’s plainly ridiculous.

Just remind your son that people grow up and grow apart. Friendships fall apart for all sorts of reasons. Encourage him to have a larger group of friends.

That's sad and a shame.

Valuing stuff like houses is just building up treasures on earth and won't get you anywhere worth going.

Valuing the opinion of and trying to please people who prioritise these things is also building up treasures in the wrong place.

So best to find another friend I suppose. Definitely a shame though.

We've seen that often with previously lovely children who go to private school and turn into horrible little entitled brats.

I know plenty who haven’t.

Sounds like he's had a luck escape. I doubt many people will want to be friends with the other kid. Don't feel gutted for your son, I'm sure he'll realise he doesn't need friends like that.

I wouldn’t engage in any debates over money and how he can grow up to be successful.
Go over all the things that make people happy;being able to follow your dreams, making the most of the body you have,family and friends. None of those require money.
If his friend is ruling out people on the basis of being poor he’s really limiting himself and might rule out a perfect boyfriend or girlfriend as well as people that grew up with him and get him.
However 13 year old are twats. They still think a label makes an item better, that being popular is the be all and end all etc etc.

There was a very similar thread a year or so ago. In that case the parents were or had been friends and the OP had told the child’s mum and she was horrified.

There may well be a lot of parental influence going on here. I wonder what his parents would say if they knew?

Tell your DS that some people are so poor, all they have is money.

I was once on the receiving end of an unwitting comment along these lines from a small person when they were visiting me and my parents. I explained gently (they were about six at the time) that someone's worth is not related to where they live or the size of their home. And then had some quite serious words with their parents, who unfortunately turned out to be the root cause

Your DS is well rid, but I'm sorry he is sad - it's always miserable to lose a friend.

I'm on a very, very low income. DC & I live in a council house, they get Pupil Premium, so free school meals, etc. What I always tell them is that they are important enough for other people to care about them. No one bought it for them, and they are so grateful for all that we have.

Utterly shitty of the other boy to refer to your DS as 'poor'. He's the poor one if he can only value people by their lifestyle. Sorry, not very much constructive advice, but if your DS ever has to have contact with this boy again, I'd suggest he says 'I judge people by who they are, not what their parents have.'

And just to add - I don't feel like a failure for being in my circumstances, so why on earth should you?

DS once asked me why we weren’t rich like child X in his class.

I refrained from telling him the truth, which was the child X’s Dad was involved with organised crime and wouldn’t be sitting down having tea with them that night because he was serving a prison sentence for dealing cat A drugs.

Lucky escape for your son there

He'll bounce back. As others have said nobody needs friends like that.

You need to shake off the shame, most of us aren't wealthy that doesn't make us failures.

Also that kid will be very ashamed of himself when he gets older. What a nob.

I come from a fairly wealthy family and grew up in a big house
this is why you are taking the comment to heart OP. I come from a wealthy family: big house, private school, nice holidays. I constantly feel my home is too small, but I realise it's my expectations and not reality.

He sounds awful. Tell your son he is well rid. My son has had friends who live in massive houses, absolutely loaded and haven't treated him like this.

More proof that private secondary education has the chance to mould kids into this

We've seen that often with previously lovely children who go to private school and turn into horrible little entitled brats

Why does it have to be turned into a private vs state thing?

There are horrible children and lovely children at both.

OP, I am in a similar position to you, and other children have made comments to my DC. Don't give it headspace, and don't encourage your DS to give it headspace either.

halfsoaked charming - my children went to private school, and they are NOT horrible entitled brats, Thank you. Rey much!

My DC are in private schools and we are comfortable. They also go to the local sports club with DC from lots of different backgrounds.
If I ever heard one of my DC making a comment like that I would give them hell. I would become publicly embarrassing mother at that point.
I agree with PP your DS has had a lucky escape.

'Son, some people in life are just dicks. It's not your problem, it's theirs. Feel free to tell him to piss off.'

I've said it before on here that I had a rich friend as a teen who came to my little semi detached house and said it made her feel claustrophobic. Shit friends. Tell him to forget this kid.

I feel more sorry for the other kid. To quote Bob Marley, ‘imagine being so poor all you have is money’.
Time for your kid to learn some working class pride.

I suspect the other boy has felt judged and is passing it onwards.

I have found boys at this age tend to focus on external measures of success but they can change back if corrected.

A relative of mine, wouldn’t let her privately educated children, play with local kids.
She’s a horror, and the kids aren’t great, now grown up.
And as teenagers, one referred to the horror of us being chavs...delightful.