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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be so upset for my DS

75 replies

littleblackdress04 · 06/03/2020 15:04

DS has an old friend from primary whose lives have moved in a different direction I guess- his friend went to private school & DS to the local comp (with all his other mates too)

The other kid lives in a very big house- we live in a small rented flat (we can’t afford to buy at the moment but we have good jobs etc- we are just priced out)

DS’s friend said to him last week that he didn’t want to hang out with him anymore as he was ‘poor’ - DS is so devastated and feels embarrassed.

I feel really awful for him- we are a normal family with a nice life- we aren’t poor- but we aren’t loaded either but this kid obviously measures stuff by house size etc

Aibu to feel really upset for DS- I think he’s embarrassed of the way we live. How do you deal with shit like this? I have said to him that it’s about how much we love each other & not property but it’s really upset him.

Also, bloody little shit of a ‘friend’ - how would you deal with it?

OP posts:

Luunaa · 06/03/2020 17:38

Ahhhh OP I feel this, so much. The way we hurt inside when our DCs hurt inside is awful isn't it.

Take this opportunity for Big Talks with him about differences and friendships etc. It isn't easy, I'm sending you love!

housinghelp101 · 06/03/2020 17:43

How do I deal with this

You laugh it off to ds, "ha ha ha, little Jonny thinks we're poor, little does he know..." then you advise your ds to chose his friends wisely. YABU to give this any headspace, especially because you are in a good financial position.

Italiangreyhound · 06/03/2020 17:45

Your son is lucky that this horrible little shit has taken himself out of his. I fully expect in a few years he will be back in contact to admit what an utter turd he was. your son can choose to welcome him back as a friend or not. Your son is the bigger man.

The other boy will be embarrassed when he looks back.

And remind your son, a comfy home, with food and warmth and safety and parents who love him is not 'poor'. He is lucky to have a mum who cares for him and loves him and lucky to lose a friend who is, sorry to repeat myself, a turd!

SallySun123 · 06/03/2020 17:47

What a class A little shit of a friend. Either call him out and tell his parents (if you know them), or use this as a lesson to teach your son about how it’s important to be kind to others and that those that aren’t, should be avoided. Don’t project your own insecurities on to this situation.

JunkshopLil · 06/03/2020 17:48

We are poor and it shows. Old car, all furniture including cooker, fridge and washing machine are all second hand. Small rented house with few mod cons, although I have made it cozy - everything has been done on the cheap - charity shops or me upcycling stuff and holidays when the kids were growing up were always UK - caravans, camping, or cheap self-catering.

It used to worry the hell out of me because we live in an affluent area and my kids have really well off friends - my daughter in particular- big houses, flash cars, lots of overseas holidays. However, I need not have worried as none of my kids friends have ever treated them any differently. That's because they are real friends who don't judge us on what we have. Likewise my own kids have never been ashamed or upset about the fact that we don't have much, because they have never been made to feel that way by the people they associate with.

They are both in their early 20s now and making their way in the world with good career paths but still living at home, and they have the same friends that they had at school.

Your boy has had a lucky escape. This friend of his is a snobby little shit who likely has snobby parents. If he judges people on where they live and what they have then he's no friend at all.

Grandmi · 06/03/2020 17:50

What a vile little shitbag !! Well his private education missed out how to treat people respectfully! .Your son has definitely dodged a bullett! Give your son a big hug ..💕💐

73Sunglasslover · 06/03/2020 17:51

I put YABU. Not because this is not awful but because your DS has had a lucky escape in finding out his friend's true colours. Actually I think you should be upset for the 'friend' who appears to have has his moral compass ruined already by his life of unreflective privilege. You don't need to justify how you life. You work hard and provide a good home for your son and you show him how to care about himself and others. You have nothing to feel ashamed of.

Halo1234 · 06/03/2020 17:56

I would go down the how sad for your friend. He judges others by their money and not their heart. He can never have real friends with that attitude. He might still be learning but I am so glad you would never do that. And then a reminder that not all friendships last a lifetime and that's ok. Remind him of the kind friends he has and maybe organise to do something with him and them. It's not the 13 year old fault tbh that is learned. He will hopefully regret his attitude in later life.

JRUIN · 06/03/2020 18:11

If your DS's (ex) friend really did say this to him then he is a knob. But your DS, at 13, should really be old enough to see that he's a knob rather than get upset about it. Laugh it off with him, then think no more about it OP.

Emptywallet · 06/03/2020 18:18

I’d 100% phone his mum and tell her. My kids go to private school and if they said this I’d wipe the floor with them

madcatladyforever · 06/03/2020 18:21

I'd say you are incredibly poor too mate, your parents are rich not you.

boringadvice · 06/03/2020 18:24

His 'friend' is very very rude. We are wealthy and our children even though young have picked up on this I think so I make sure to let them know how lucky they are. I also teach them that some children don't have much and that is okay too, everyone is different. I would be mortified if this happened, your son doesn't need friends like this.

NomDeDieu · 06/03/2020 18:30

My dc has been the fiend in that story.
Good friends all the way to primary, started at our local comp and then moved to private.
Unfortunately, as soon as he moved, he just lost all his friends from the local school, despite the fact the are all very close to her unlike his friends at the private school.

The reality is very sadly that there is still a wall between private and state school, with neither side wanting to mix up.
Your ds heard it’s because he is poor (a lot of rubbish).
My dc heard it’s because he was now ‘posh’ and clearly saw himself above the others (also a lot of crap).

I’m not sure the answer is but that sort of attitude work both ways.

theflushedzebra · 06/03/2020 18:33

Sadly this does happen at private schools, I had hoped it was a myth, but no.

DD has been at private school since yr2, and is now in yr7, and whilst most of the kids are really lovely, theres always one or two with this attitude.

DD was told by a boy in the year below her that she "must be poor" because she didn't have an IPhone X - she has an IPhone, but not the most up to date model ffs- which to my mind is quite good enough for a 12 yr old! But it really upset her.

We told her that some people think money is the most important thing in the world, and that they're not usually very nice people, we talked about materialism, and that there are far more important things than money and possessions in life. Often people who go on about money are not happy in other areas of their lives, and then she told me that nobody really likes this boy - so point proven!

Also worth pointing out that anyone who uses "poor" as an insult, or uses it as a reason to not play with someone, might have turned into a bit of a bully, and he must be really stupid/silly because you live a comfortable, nice life, and talk to him about the nice things in his life. Or something like that.

theflushedzebra · 06/03/2020 18:37

Good point about "posh" NomDeDieu - I know someone whose son was bullied/teased and called "posh boy" - also not nice at all.

I remember being called "a snob" by girls I didn't even know, because I went to Grammar School, and they were at the Comp.

wishing4sun · 06/03/2020 18:40

This used to really bother me single parent to DS now 18 he always managed to pick the friends with the nicest houses and parents with amazing careers, we have always lived in a 2 bed flat. The issue cropped up once and I spoke to DS and just said the people that want to be your friend would be no matter what. I have a never ending stream of now young men staying at our little home when they all have seemingly nicer places to be. Be honest and open and to a certain extreme they have to work it out for themselves.

flossiewossie124 · 06/03/2020 18:42

I would use this as an opportunity to say to your DS that if he works hard in school, he will also be "rich"/have nice things whatever. It will give him a strong work ethic. I had a taste of what life could be like when I was a kid and I worked hard and strived towards that. It became my goal. Kids can be little sh*ts

Louise91417 · 06/03/2020 18:45

I would get your ds to spread a rumour he seen "friend" in pound shop

sar302 · 06/03/2020 18:53

This actually happened to me as a teen. I was the "poor" kid at private school in primary. We got a heavily discounted rate because my dad was a teacher.

I went to a grammar secondary along with a number of my rich primary school friends, and the wealth then started to cause a split. None of them were ever mean to me in the same way, but as teens they started to get excited about skiing holidays, designer clothes, their horses etc. And I was left way out of that world, and therefore left behind. We weren't poor either - but two teacher parents couldn't match their banker dads.

I've wondered recently actually whether my parents were ever bothered by it. If they were, they never showed it. And i think that's the key - dont show him that there is any reason to be embarrassed. The embarrassment is not on you or the lovely life you have provided, it's on his hideous friend for being such a snob. Focus on the value of being a decent person and enjoying the treats you can afford. And explain that everyone lives differently. At 13 I went and made a whole new group of friends and had a fantastic time at school.

AlphaJura · 06/03/2020 19:18

My dd went to school with a boy who was always making comments like this. Always commenting on what people 'had' and showing off. I think his parents had quite good jobs and he was an only child who I think was a bit spoilt. In about YR 5 or YR 6 she told me that the boy said my car was crap. It wasn't new, but it suited my needs, was economical and the right size for my family at the time. Didn't look out of place as still see plenty on the roads. It certain wasn't an 'upmarket' car, but it suited me. I just said, well at least I've got a car! Which is more than him. He also used to do things like 'borrow' his dad's Rolex or latest iPhone and bring it into school to show off or take pics and post on social media. I just told her that he is very shallow if that's all he looks at and it doesn't mean anything. He got expelled in the end for sexually harassing and saying inappropriate comments to another girl. So not very nice atall.

Queenofeverything44 · 06/03/2020 22:38

I was you son so I know how upsetting judgemental children can be. Both of my parents came from very wealthy families but in my mother's words "money made their world views as wide as a five pound note" Mum and Dad had now interest in material wealth. We we were loved and cherished but when other children compared my life to theirs I automatically felt shame when they banged on about their "stuff". I've had parents tell me to my face that I am "not the right kind of friend they wanted for their child" again I felt shame. When I asked my mother why couldn't we be rich she told me that huge amounts of money wouldn't make those children like me more. Luckily my parents couldn't give two figs about feeling they failed us.. They only care that we were healthy and happy. Took me years to understand it but as an adult I do. All that said it is a huge blow when you are a child and realise that you don't measure up for not because I was horrible or naughty etc but because of something I had no control over..
Luckily I never grew up desperate to fit in or judgemental.
Your son will hurt for a bit but with the right support and mummy not feeling guilty or second guessing herself it will blow over.

Queenofeverything44 · 06/03/2020 22:40

*no interest. Sorry typing on a phone without glasses 😂😂🤦‍♀️

paintedfences · 06/03/2020 23:14

I'm another one for contacting his parents - I would 10000% want to know if my child behaved like that.

MadameMeursault · 07/03/2020 01:07

Definitely contact the parents. Their reaction will speak volumes. We live in a fairly naice area on the edge of a poorer area where the kids went to school. I was sort of embarrassed that their friends and their parents might think we were richer and/or snobby - I would have hated if that had caused any kind of rift and would definitely have wanted to know if my kids were looking down on others. I told them we were so lucky to live where we did and others also work hard but are not so lucky. Fortunately it was never an issue, they all mucked in and got on.

Lynda07 · 07/03/2020 17:08

theflushedzebra Fri 06-Mar-20 18:37:11
Good point about "posh" NomDeDieu - I know someone whose son was bullied/teased and called "posh boy" - also not nice at all.

I remember being called "a snob" by girls I didn't even know, because I went to Grammar School, and they were at the Comp.
......
That does happen, it's totally unfair. It shows the insecurities of the people who do it.

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