to not see the point in getting married?

[MasterMargarita]

The situation is that we are financially independent from each other, will not be having any children (actually unable), are not home owners and most likely never will be, no savings, basically nothing to divide in the event of separation. Both late 30s with a child each from previous relationship, both work FT with approx equal salaries.

Am I right in thinking that marriage will not be benefiting either of us under these circumstances? Very happy to be told otherwise.

For context, my DP has very romantic view of marriage and wants to be married whilst I see it as nothing more than a legally binding contract to share assets which is unnecessary in our case, in my opinion.

A friend of mine wasn't married to their partner. Together 10 years or so, but both still relatively young. He went out to do his hobby one morning and never came home as he was sadly killed in an accident aged 32.

She wasn't his NOK. They didn't own their home, but she had no access to widows allowance or to bereavement benefits. Luckily her parents (his legal NOK) supported her, but they could easily have left her with nothing. She had absolutely no protection in law. His pension went to his parents and she could easily have lost their home (rented, but luckily his pension paid out and paid his portion of the rent while she got herself sorted).

It's not a risk I would take, personally. She was very lucky she had his parents' support. It could so easily have gone badly wrong.

As you both have children from previous relationships to leave your pension too..I'd say there isnt a 'need' to get married in your circumstances.

@MarchDaffs

You can't decide your partner is having your child if you die and your ex with PR just has to accept it. That's not in your gift. You can state your wishes, but ex would have every right to make an application to the court

That's exactly what I thought. So being married and nominating a guardian makes no difference here.

I can nominate anyone I want to benefit from my pension/life assurance and my kids are nominated.

There is no such thing as Next of Kin in English Law so please ignore all the posters who are telling you that there is.

But there is in Scotland.

Next of Kin in life is not a legal concept, but it is in death.

My DP’s brother died recently, while he was in hospital his partner was able to make all the decisions for him, including agreement to when the life support was withdrawn. However in terms of collecting the death certificate and speaking to the bank to release the balance the bank made it very clear that it has to be a blood relative who signs the paperwork. DP and his brother grew up apart and only re-connected a few years ago, but he is still the only one who could speak to the bank.

However, regardless of your reasons not to see the point, your DP clearly does, and wants this, which means that you essentially want different things in life.

If you were posting here to say that you wanted to get married and he didn’t people would be telling you that you should think about what you want as you clearly want different things, and that you should think about whether you would be happy to stay unmarried or whether you actually might think about moving on if it was a deal-breaker.

Yanbu at all. I got married only once we had children and a shared property. It's a legal and financial contract, nothing more.

I’m an advocate of marriage in most situations, but I wouldn’t get married in that scenario either. If something happens to me, I would want all my assets to go to my child, not a spouse.

You can sign a medical power of attorney form if you are worried about who gets to make decisions for you on the event of serious illness.

@AlternativePerspective I just want to do the right thing by my DP, getting married isn't a necessity for me but not a deal-breaker either. I just want to make sure I am making the right decision.

As long as you share no assets and/or don't live together I see no need to get married at all. As things are now, in the event of death, each of your estates would go to your respective children and I assume that's what each of you wants. Marriage would only complicate that.

As far as healthcare issues, I think it depends. My cousin and her partner live separately (both older and 'set in their ways') but spend the majority of the time together. Both have adult children. Under US law (different to the UK) their adult children are automatically their NOK in healthcare matters, which they feel is as it should be. In your case I'd do (if it exists in the UK) a revokable healthcare power of attorney naming who you want to make decisions if you are unable to.

All that aside, as a single parent please be sure you have made a will and appointed guardians/fiduciaries for your children. Their surviving parent will have automatic rights (assuming they have PR) to the children but it never hurts to have a 'back up plan'. My BFF's ex was a waste of space so although she could not negate his rights to their son as a surviving parent if she had died, she did appoint one of her brothers as guardian if her ex wasn't around and she appointed me as trustee of her estate. This meant that I controlled any inheritance so her ex couldn't squander it. Which he would have done.

There are several options and choices, but unfortunately many people don't give it any thought, or take professional advice. What is right and optimal for one person might be completely wrong for another. It is just really important that people think and plan and get organised.
My eldest son died suddenly at 27. No will - not many 27 year olds would make a will tbh. We sorted out his affairs.
However, our younger son has made a will because he realises that it is a good thing to get done and he wanted to ensure that his wishes would be carried out, should the worst happen.

@Purpleartichoke I don't really have any assets yet but I guess, as PP has pointed out, that might change. I could work around that by making a will I suppose?

As far as your DP, you and he could always have a 'commitment ceremony'. A non-legally binding ceremony in which you pledge your faithfulness to each other and join your lives together emotionally and spiritually.

My uncle and aunt (elderly and ill) did this when the RC church refused to marry them because uncle had a 'living ex-wife'. From whom he'd been divorced for 40 years.

It’s not just finances, it’s next of kin, you can get tax breaks, loads of stuff. You don’t know what the future holds and things may change.

If you’re not fussed then don’t do it
I married my husband because I love him , not because of financial stability or any thing else you listed .
A simplistic view but my view nonetheless

@Fluffybutter it is a simplistic view, very sweet and there's nothing wrong with that

@AcrossthePond55 we do live together and there are no estates. Thank you for advice re guardianship.

there are kids so you need to do something - as mentioned wills and guardianship arrangements. Be aware that marriage invalidates a will so decide what you will do in what order. Advance directives ('living will') and powers of attorney are also a very good idea. This assumes you want to lock out the exes as far as possible.

if one of you dies the other won't get bereavement payments. The 'no savings' is very worrying indeed, not only could you not afford a funeral but how stuffed are you if one job goes?

if you have pensions (hope so!) make sure the 'expression of wish' is up to date.

as you both have independent income there is less of a need for marriage/civil partnership than in many cases on here.

@mencken thank you, that gives me plenty of things to research

He wouldn't inherit if you died first, it would go to your (blood) family first, or if you didn't have near enough relatives, to the Crown.

I've seen it said that you can set up all the things that marriage would give you, but the cheapest way to do it is to get actually married.

Marriage is a financial contract, designed to protect the person whose earning capacity is diminished by their childcare responsibilities. The next of kin thing is the only thing to consider.

Other than that I wouldn't bother, personally.

Even if there was no rational reason, I'd make a commitment to someone that wanted to make a commitment to me because it means something to them to have that status.

On the pension side of it - if you nominate the other person, are there higher tax implications if you're not married and you inherit part of a pension (idk, I'd check that).

It could be an expensive commitment if you split later. And however you feel now that could happen. As for protecting the person who made sacrifices to raise children.....it didn’t turn out like that for me! I worked part-time but earned more overall so was clobbered.

Next of kin is not a legal thing. You don't need to be married to be next of kin.

Based on my experience I'd advise any woman who earns as much as or more than her partner to think very carefully about marriage and probably not do it. It doesn't protect you, it makes you very vulnerable to being asset stripped by your ex, (even if you're the sole carer of your children). Once my divorce is finally over I'm never getting married again.