To ask if anyone actually has a dh/dp that remembers?

[Furcoatgirl]

Dh and I had a row last night, it was petty really, he'd forgotten it was bloody World Book Day and then didn't have a clue what dc were supposed to be doing/wearing, even though all dates and info are emailed to both of us. Fine, who cares you might think, but it irritates me that I'm the only one who ever bothers to note these things down.

Whether it be dress up days, dentist appointments, eye-test, sorting new uniform, parents evening, literally anything the dc need to do it's all down to me.

Before anyone asks, we both work, I get home an hour earlier which I spend making dinner. I also do all pick ups and drop offs.

Last night he went to great lengths to tell me why despite receiving all email alerts from school, it would be impossible for him to note the dates down anywhere because he would be incapable of remembering to check any kind diary or calendar.

This is because of his very important job which apparently involves him driving through floods, trees falling on his vehicle and other road users running him off the road.

He does however have time to read the sports pages on his phone and watch videos. So suggested he use his phone calendar but he said he'd never be able to work out how to use it.

Personally when I've tried to discuss things with him I'm told that his Dad never helped and 'Dad's don't do that'.
If he went to the school he would actually see all the Dad's pulling their weight!!
Makes me mad.

Nope, mine remembers as much as I do. Some things I remember and he doesn't. Some things he remembers and I don't. He remembers as much kid related stuff as me. He's a nice person.

Unlike your piece of shit, Spied. How about you leave him before you turn around and you're suddenly 65 and wonder why you spent your life as his dog to kick?

Spied.

Here's a thing.

You tell him - I'm going to leave you unless you stop being such a painfully embarrassing piece of shit parent.

Do you want to end up on your own? Because what you're doing right now is gradually making me want to never have to see you again. One day, I'll do it. And it will be too late for you to save it because by then my opinion of you will literally be in the gutter.

Me and dh actually mix and match

I remember some dates but forget others

He usually remembers other dates and forgets others.

Between us, we usually end up remembering them all

I do write all the dates on the wall calendar though, so if one does slip through the net, a quick look at the calendar and I remember

My husband remembers anything he is told/ aware of and will make reminders or use a calendar if he needs to. Because he doesn’t have a selective cant be arsed memory.

DH and I work clear the "Who does what" when we book appointments. It is then in the calendar with our respective colours so we can see who is where when and for DH to know not to have anything clashed with work.

He does a lot more local stuff like dentist, GP etc as he works from home while I have a 1 hour commute. He also does the majority of activity runs when they are after 5pm. He is the go-to person for all Scout related paperwork.

I do all of DD's other activity admin, paying bills, organising outfit/uniform and her general social life and purchases like clothing, he can't cope with the demands of a teen ;-)

School stuff depends, dress up days were always ignored by DH like most primary school stuff apart from Parent evening and performances. In secondary there is lucky less of the minor ones and he is actually the one communicating with the school for all kind of important topics.

Yes
I do , but then he does more school runs so its more relevant. Its a struggle to co-ordinate and we do have to do it through phone outlook calendars. I just put absolutely everything in my work calendar and try to remember to switch them to private.

If he does not have a desk job then I can see it will be hard to keep track.

I forget stuff, so does DH. We are both human 🤷🏻‍♀️

We do now have a joint online calendar, which has made it a bit better but we both still forget things

DH never remembers anything until it’s too late and then asks if “we” have anything sorted..... (ie have I sorted it)

My usual answer is no WE haven’t but fortunately I have.

Gives me the rage every time

Yeah, of course he remembers. He books dentist appts, takes them, notes follow-uos in the calendar. We take parent evenings in turn - he notes them on his phone calendar and sets reminders. We both supervise homework and deal with pickups and dropoffs. He makes packed lunches and makes sure we have food in to pack them with. For example.

Your dh is a lazy sod who wants to leave all the admin, planning and execution to you. You do not have to put up with it.

No one in this house remembers WBD though, until the night before.

I think the only way to stop everything kid-related falling to you (who probably a) deals with the fall out if something's forgotten and b) cares more about "stuff" like world boom day) is to make a clear lest between you of what you'll each do.

You could start with a list of everything you can both think of that's needed (and accept that you'll make most of the list because you have more experience, currently);

School uniform that fits
School shoes that fit
Home clothes that fit and are seasonally appropriate
Home shoes/wellies etc that are seasonally appropriate
School events
Doctors/dentist appointments
Hair appointments
Homework
School uniform cleaned and ready for the week
Dinner cooking x 7 days
Dishwasher loading
Dishwasher unloading
Laundry tasks
Bins
Cleaning bathrooms
Daily school bag admin
Get photos off all devices and store somewhere safe/accessible
Plan birthday parties
Plan Christmas
Weekly food plan and shopping to enable it
Lawn mowing
Ordering heating oil before it runs out

Etc etc

Once you have the list, divide the tasks. It is then DH's job to take care of his tasks. When the kids complain they have no clean school jumpers on a Wednesday, phone daddy on his commute to ask where they are - you bet he'll make sure he's done the uniform laundry next week if he knows his kids know that it was him that let them down rather than some magic washing fairy. But this only works if it is clearly his job to provide clean school uniform in the first place.

I try to equate this to a work situation and think how I'd manage it. If my boss had a "mental load" of jobs to do and I was supposed to guess what they are and which ones I should take on, I'd be forever failing because there'd always be jobs neither of us did. Instead, I sit with my boss, we list the priorities for the team, plan the work, divide responsibilities and then get on with managing our own shit. Doesn't mean you can't delegate back to the other person if you need help, but a single named person has to be* clearly responsible* for each thing that needs doing.

My DH remembers everything for school but I have a terrible memory so he has no choice. 😅

I forward all school emails and add alerts in a joint calendar on our phones. It alerts both of us a couple of days before, and on the day of, the event.
He is, however, pretty good at remembering most things anyway.

DH was the one that made Easter hats at school, sorted the homework our, sewed the cub and scout badges on, put labels on PE kit, out the costume together for World book day etc
Even now the kids are grown up he'll deice their car and check they have everything they need and are ok.
I hate it when people say ' arent you lucky'. Luck had nothing to do it with it, I chose carefully.
Men have brains in their heads. Trouble is, it seems, many want to be selective with what they want to go and remember.

what they want to go
Meant 'what they do'

If my boss had a "mental load" of jobs to do and I was supposed to guess what they are

I'm not his boss though and those are not my jobs to do and delegate.

Sexist bollocks. We have a shared google calendar, and everything goes on it - including all our non-work appointments - gym classes, evenings out with friends etc and child-related appointments. No other way for us to both keep track of what is going on. And we both put stuff in as and when we receive emails from the school - depending on who's at work / who's busy etc.
He can learn how to use a phone calendar OP. Set up a shared google calendar, then both of you can see all the appointments, and it's the only thing he needs to check.

I'm not his boss though and those are not my jobs to do and delegate

Shame you completely disregarded the rest of that very sensible post because she wasn’t talking about delegation of tasks but mutually agreed distribution of responsibility.

yes rest was sensible. But this one paragraph still framed this all as wifework/mum work.

Sorry your DH is being shit. My DH remembers this stuff just as much as I do. We both work (me one less day) in demanding jobs. DH has always said since day one that they are his kids too so why should I have to take on all the work just because I pushed them out.

Your DHs excuse is crap and I'd start 'forgetting ' things that are important to him until he started to have the ability to read an email from school and use a calendar on his phone.

I expect that you will have willingly accepted all child related tasks in the past. So, was he unreasonable to ignore an email about WBD? No - that’s how you have both chosen how it works in your family.

Is he unreasonable to come out with utter shite about being able to do reminders on his phone? Hell yes.

You need to work out what is an efficient and fair split, and stick to it.

Who finds tradesmen when needed in your house?
Who researches and books holidays?
Who makes sure the car is MOT’d on time?

There’s no point in splitting school letters between you, that’s just confusing.
But things like birthday parties - you can the invitation, as you are school runs. You put it into the phone calendar with a reminder 2 days before. Sorting out presents becomes his responsibility. Or whatever you decide... but be clear, and simply don’t accept any shit about not being able to use a calendar

DH is amazing, he will do absolutely anything at all, that I tell him to do.

Will he take responsibility for the thing in the first place and take the initiative to sort it out himself without my involvement? Will he f*

Drives me absolutely insane.

Mine is even worse. He makes comments that "we" (ie me) need to get more organised. I tell him to ftfo these days. Nicely. Without aggression.

I do kid admin. He does house admin. He's good at things like swimming lessons and we split that fairly equally. If it's school based, like WBD or mufti, I make a mental note. But I also put it on the calendar which he's good at checking. I organise the outfits though. But that's naturally more my forte. It's a fair trade off as he makes sure we have decent deals on things like Sky, the mortgage and utilities. I just let him get on with it. My DH is also responsible for the shopping. I'm not allowed to do the weekly shop because I buy too much crap and overspend apparently (take that in the jest it was intended). I do kids appointments because I work shorter hours. He'd have to take time off work to take them to the dentist. I don't.

Mine doesn't but it's part of my role in our household. He works ft and I work pt so I have more time.
He does use the shared calendar though and will do whatever I ask (home learning, making costumes or whatever).