To ask if anyone actually has a dh/dp that remembers?

[Furcoatgirl]

Dh and I had a row last night, it was petty really, he'd forgotten it was bloody World Book Day and then didn't have a clue what dc were supposed to be doing/wearing, even though all dates and info are emailed to both of us. Fine, who cares you might think, but it irritates me that I'm the only one who ever bothers to note these things down.

Whether it be dress up days, dentist appointments, eye-test, sorting new uniform, parents evening, literally anything the dc need to do it's all down to me.

Before anyone asks, we both work, I get home an hour earlier which I spend making dinner. I also do all pick ups and drop offs.

Last night he went to great lengths to tell me why despite receiving all email alerts from school, it would be impossible for him to note the dates down anywhere because he would be incapable of remembering to check any kind diary or calendar.

This is because of his very important job which apparently involves him driving through floods, trees falling on his vehicle and other road users running him off the road.

He does however have time to read the sports pages on his phone and watch videos. So suggested he use his phone calendar but he said he'd never be able to work out how to use it.

Time to start being 'unable to remember' the things you do to make his life run smoothly. I bet there are many.

Why doesn't he do any pick ups or drop offs?

My ex didn't know yet he was a project manager on six figures so knows how to keep track of multiple deadlines etc!

He is being a dick about this- all adults have important dates and appointments that they need to attend eg at work and while tracking methods may vary, everyone knows what works and

Alsohuman it doesn't take two to remember, but why should it always be me? Also this isn't just about WBD, it's every other thing too.

Ok I could just leave it to him and let the kids go in uniform on non uniform day, but I'm not going to let the dc get upset and miss out am I? Because I care about them, they're my priority.

Why do two people need to remember? If you want him to take responsibility for the odious WBD just tell him a couple of weeks in advance he’s sorting it out, leave him to it and let him deal with the fallout from the kids if he does nothing.

Should he also let the OP know two weeks in advance that he would like her to do it?

Why can't he see the date in the school newsletter for himself and organise it?

My husband is the primary care giver and I still have to remember everything and remind him.

It's annoying.

Ok I could just leave it to him and let the kids go in uniform on non uniform day, but I'm not going to let the dc get upset and miss out am I? Because I care about them, they're my priority

Well, you have a choice then. You can’t have it both ways. Either make him step up and face the consequences if he doesn’t or do it yourself, because I can’t think of a third option.

I’d forge to to cook his dinner beer, his washing or anything that he wants

When people post on here about ‘general life admin’ and other posters ask what on Earth that means, it means things like this. I do think it falls on Mother’s more for whatever reason, even when both parents work FT. We’re a long way off gender equality.

Yes but only because we’ve implicitly made that agreement.

When I’ve told him clearly that something is his responsibility then he does it.

You have several options. 1. Continue as you are and resent him not remembering. 2. Delegating to him and then allowing him to take full responsibility for whatever the task is. No reminders etc. Then if he forgets he will have to sort it out.
We share stuff like this in our house and shock horror I have sent the kids in uniform on the odd occasion when I’ve forgotten. They got over it (and yes, they are also my priority but I’m not perfect)

hmm, dh does remember some stuff.

We have a joint calendar on the wall. Everything goes on it. Not on the calendar, not happening.

if there are dentist/doctor/eye appointments on the calendar, he will often remind, and may take them, deends on who is free.

he may well sort out transport for other events, eg, dd needs late pick up, he will talk to her and then he will pick up.

We both work from home, he works way more hours than me, but some of my hours are at after school time, so he covers pick up and dinner on those days.
He does morning and evenign school run (to station) but then I walk dog in mornings.

I have dleiberate;y not signed up to parent pay, so he has to organise all the payments etc for school trips but it is usually me who prints off forms and fills them in.

But if it is creative eg world book day, that 100% mine!

So, I would say not a bad balance.
Your dh is opting out though. he has to find a way to remember. He doesn't forget stuff for work does he? It is about prioritising, he needs to want to do it. I personally would hand a whole section (or two) over to him - packed lunches? Up to you, add it to on-line shop, sort lunch boxes, make lunches etc, then completely stop doing that role 100% I find that is much easier, those jobs and mine and those are yours

*Should he also let the OP know two weeks in advance that he would like her to do it?

Why can't he see the date in the school newsletter for himself and organise it?*

It's exactly this. Our school are really good, they email everything to us, dates, reminders and so on.

A few years ago dh complained I only I was on the mailing list, so I immediately had him put on the list so now he receives everything. I know that this rant isn't going to change him, I just feel if he gave a todd he'd note things down like I do.

Yes, we’re about equal. He’s a teacher so I pick up more in term time and he picks up the baton in the holidays. This morning he said ‘DS1 parents’ evening is next week, isn’t it?’ and I didn’t have a clue (although as it happens I booked it as I saw the email first).

I am in the wars about this at the minute. I've told DP I don't need a teenager, he needs to take on some mental load, I'm full to the brim at the moment. He is great with the DC, does his fair share of housework, but takes little to do with the organising or mental stuff.

Ok I could just leave it to him and let the kids go in uniform on non uniform day, but I'm not going to let the dc get upset and miss out am I? Because I care about them, they're my priority.

Obviously you can’t go from a scenario where you do everything, to just leaving it to him. You have to sit down and say from now on you are responsible for all events in the school newsletter.

Then yes, leave it to him. If he doesn’t care if his kids miss out, he is genuinely a shit. But right now you don’t know if he’s actually a shit or ‘just’ lazy and happy to leave it to you if he can.

have sent the kids in uniform on the odd occasion when I’ve forgotten. They got over it (and yes, they are also my priority but I’m not perfect)

Anyone can forget something. I forgot to take my child to their swimming lesson once, they go every week and I just forgot, my memory is getting increasingly worse.

But my point is dh doesn't even bother to make any attempts to remember or record dates. I don't even think he's reading the emails from the school.

I hate being the one who delegates tasks, I don't mind with the DC but asking and giving instructions is annoying. They are adult's the penis shouldn't resolve them of organising and thinking. Im making a list as a one off splitting it, if he fecks up it won't be fun.

Im making a list as a one off splitting it, if he fecks up it won't be fun.

It won’t but if the feck ups only happen once and then he does it properly it’s worth it. And he might not!

Yes I married someone who shares everything. He's a step dad to my children and he really does share the load.

Their real dad doesn't have a clue. One of the reasons we split. It was horrible being responsible for EVERYTHING

I've had a hard time recently and my DH has been a rock. I've really had to remember not to take him for granted.

Oh yes we have a shared calendar too. That's been so useful.

I tend to organise all this sort of stuff because I’m very controlling, DH would do it if I wasn’t here, and probably if I didn’t do it, he’d take up the slack. But it wouldn’t be done as early or as well as I would do it, and I can’t let him get on with it. However, if I’m working away, I leave ev Ruthin in his hands, AND for eg World Book Day, I decided what DS was going to wear and he sorted it out once I’d had the idea. Other years, he’s done it all on his own. He tends to be better at and more willing to go the extra mile for the crafty things that school requires DS to do.

I hate being the one who delegates tasks, I don't mind with the DC but asking and giving instructions is annoying. They are adult's the penis shouldn't resolve them of organising and thinking.

I really, really agree with this. But I do think you can sit down together as a couple and say - right, which things are you going to be responsible for, and which ones am I? Then split the list. The key then is to not re-engage with anything on his list. Even to the point of is school calls to say that they have forgotten something, you say - I'll tell dh, that is his job and then pass the messgae on and forget it.

You need to talk to him and clearly share out tasks.

There’s no point breeding resentment if you can avoid it by talking and communicating.

Tell him it upsets you and you want him to do X and you’ll stop doing it.

It makes no sense for two people to cover the same thing.

My DC would never have seen a doctor, been to the dentist, attended ( or indeed had) a birthday party, attended any clubs etc etc if it had been left to their Dad to organise.
I very much doubt he could manage to get them to school and actively refuses to pick them up if he is home early.
I MASSIVELY resent him.

mine remembers because I refuse to take over the role of his PA to remember and remind him about things our joint children need. If he's dropping them off then he will sort out whatever they need for that day.

This 'oh but men just can't...' is a total BS. They manage to work and check what meetings they have or what they need to prepare perfectly well. If they can't do the same at home then the only reason is that they consider it the wife's job.