To not cook meat for partner

[Spoppit]

I know it may seem silly but friends are having such a debate about this 'issue' at the minute I've started to feel bad...

I've been vegetarian for 14 years both my children have been brought up vegetarian too, the texture of meat cooked or uncooked makes me feel sick, I can't stand the smell etc.
My partner eats meat and its not an issue for me that he does, if we order take out or go out to eat he has meat, I'd never expect him to stop...But I don't want to cook it, am I being unreasonable/unfair?

Been Vegetarian 12 years (ethical reasons) and I'd never buy or cook meat. I'd date a meat eater but they'd be cooking/handling everything to do with it. I'd never try and convert someone. I'd rather date a vegetarian though for OPs reasons. I'd rather skip this debate.

My 2 boys have been brought up vegetarian. Eldest is 8 this year and is choosing to stay V for now. I've told him he can choose the meat options at school if he wants, get the burgers from McDs if he wants (when their dad takes them, I'd never go in there!) but he says he's proud to be V so there we go. I think he may change his mind when he's in secondary school. Youngest (3.5) will get the option too around the same age , when he understands properly what meat is and what has to happen so people can eat it.

YANBU. To see if something is cooked correctly or taste nice you have to put it in your mouth. If you're veggie I can see why this would be an issue.

YANBU. To see if something is cooked correctly or taste nice you have to put it in your mouth. If you're veggie I can see why this would be an issue.

You don't have to put meat in your mouth to check that it's cooked correctly.

Why not walking? Most people think smoking indoors is disgusting, they hate the smell etc so it's reasonable to not live with someone who wants to smoke indoors. Most vegans also find meat disgusting so it's reasonable to not want to live with someone who brings that in the house. Fair enough the passive health risks of being in a smokey house aren't comparable, but that's not the only or even the main problem most people have. For most people it's just a disgust reaction. If you don't find meat disgusting then that's fine, but for me it's no less foul to see raw meat than it is to see a dirty ashtray in a kitchen. To be clear, I'm not saying people should move in together on one set of terms and then try to impose massive changes after the fact, but I don't see what's unreasonable about people having a criteria for who they want to live with?

It would never be right for a meat eater to demand that a vegetarian cooks meat.

It is also not right to demand that someone who always makes meals with meat, stops doing so.

I honestly don't get why people make a big deal out of this stuff.... Cook what you want. If the person you're cooking for doesn't want it, they can go and get something else.

Of course, there are times when kindness dictates that you may vary what you normally do, but if you are feeling obligated, then something is wrong.

I've been vegetarian since I was a teenager, and have never and would never cook meat, even though both my long-term, live-in relationships have been with people who ate meat - they were happy to eat vegetarian food at home (or takeaways).

In a way I suppose I was lucky that neither of my partners were interested in cooking, as I hate the smell of cooking meat and I would find it repulsive to have the smell of frying bacon or roasting meat in the house.

YANBU I eat meat so does family but I can easily see that both you and partner have sensibly worked this out, others should mind their own business,

The only time it would ever be a problem is if for some reason he lost use of both hands and fancied a bacon sandwich and you refused to either make him one or bring one home for him from Gregg's or similar that would be a tad mean but I would expect him to do the reverse if you couldn't drive or cook that your partner would help you have what you like

No of course you’re not being unfair. You don’t like meat. You shouldn’t feel guilty for anything

Why not walking? Most people think smoking indoors is disgusting, they hate the smell etc so it's reasonable to not live with someone who wants to smoke indoors.

Because second hand smoke and "second hand" smell of meat are a different cattle of fish Cancer, bronchitis etc....

Enchiladas: That’s a preference not a philosophical stance. Not really comparable IMO. Also no risk of cross contamination with baked beans. Also opening a can into a pan isn’t the same as touching and handling the beans. If you had to do that would you still feel ok to do it.

OP YANBU. Sounds like a good compromise. I’m vegetarian my DH and DC are not. We eat vegetarian but they will order meat out/take aways if they fancy and I occasionally will do a ham sandwich but would not be safe or competent to cook meat. We find it works fine. It’s got to be a decision for the family and not really any one else’s business.

Sisters kids raised on vegan diet - all fine btw.

OK, forget the smoking comparison then, it was supposed to illustrate the disgust element but I take your point that there are too many differences. A better example might be this - during his time at university my brother was friends with a group of devout Muslim men. In their second year they invited him to move in with them, but asked as a condition that he not bring any alcohol into the house, or have any "overnight visitors". My brother declined, understandably, and they continued the friendship as normal, no harm done. Those who chose to live their respected those conditions. Everybody happy. Would it have been reasonable for them all to live together as atheists and then one person convert and insist everyone else gave up alcohol? No, of course not. Would it have been reasonable for my brother to say "yes that's fine", move in, and then announce "I pay rent so I can do what I like" and start drinking every night? No, of course not. They had an honest conversation about terms and conditions for living together, and made the choice to say yes or no and respect each others decisions. That's how it is for me and my partner. It's just a personal agreement between us about what were both willing to accept, same as most other couples have on any number of different topics.

I think your friends are a bit odd to think you should cook meat for your DH. You are the cook, you get to decide what you make. In your case, that's vegetarian food. If he wants meat, he can make it himself.

DH was veggie for a while. But I do 99% of all the cooking. So I did make an effort to cook more food that allowed us to eat together without making two separate meals I(eg lamb chop with vegetables rather than spaghetti bolognaise) and I always made sure there were plenty of veg in the house for him to whip something up for himself, but I certainly wasn't going to change everything just to accommodate him.

SO if your DH was doing the cooking, and he wanted to cook meat and serve you a more simple vegetable option, I'd also say he has that right.

You’re not doing womaning right OP and catering for your man’s every whim. I imagine this is what it really comes down to. I had the same when a bunch of friends found out I had come off birth control for a break, I got loads of comments about my “poor” partner, having to wear a condom

No meat in the house so no chance of anyone cooking it! Somehow my meat-eating partner has survived smile

So you feel OK inflicting your beliefs on another, very controlling. Maybe your partner will bring home a juicy steak and cook for himself, presumably you share the house!

If someone finds meat so disgusting that they don't want it in their house you should not be with a meat eater.

It's far too controlling IMO.

So it's been a vegetarian household for 14 years and a vegetarian is the cook. Why would what you cook suddenly change?

How long has the DP been around? Is he asking you to cook meat? Or is this just chatter from busybodies?

If DP really wanted to cook meat at home himself, there would be a conversation to have, about whether you were comforable having it in the house, how it would be stored etc. Unless he does, there is no conversation to have.

The only argument I can think of for him cooking meat at home, in the scenario you describe, is that he could buy high quality, extensively reared, organic meat. Whereas, when eating out, you're generally getting bog standard factory-farmed animals (unless you eat at very high-end restaurants). So he could eat the same amount of meat, more humanely, by choosing carefully and cooking at home. You'd still have the storage and repulsion conversation to have though.

How does your partner feel about it? What does he cook when it is his turn to cook?

If he's willing to eat veggie on the occasions you cook, then there isn't actually an issue? Presumably he could quickly cook a steak/chicken breast/chop etc to eat on the side if he wishes?

Any relationship is about compromise - he shouldn't give up his wish to eat meat and you shouldn't feel forced to cook it either. There are lots of ways you can both live side by side comfortably in this situation.

And surely this is a classic case of 'he knew what he was getting into' when he took up with a vegetarian who wanted a veggie household (and agreed to their DC being brought up veggie - if they are his DC). If he couldn't face the veggie-ness, he wouldn't have got together, or stayed together, with OP.

YANBU and not sure what business it is of your friends.

Why do you feel bad? What does your partner think? Presumably after 14 years he’s not actually arsed?

What you describe in your OP is just a bunch of unimaginative omnivores who are so fixed in their belief that their way is 'normal' and vegetarianism is odd, special and 'out there', always a minority interest, that they cannot compute vegetarianism being normal for other people and their households. It's just parochialism on their parts.

YANBU OP. I'm a veggie and wouldn't cook meat for a meat eater as a general rule. DH and I are both veggie and have a meat free home. If he was a meat eater I wouldn't object to him cooking meat for himself, but I wouldn't want to cook it for him. I wouldn't expect a vegan to prepare eggs, dairy or honey for me.

YANBU but your post is extremely vague. Is he asking/insisting/demanding that you do? If so he is definitely being unreasonable. If not then presumably he's fine with the arrangement so I don't get why you're asking anyway

I've been vegetarian since I was 16. My parents expect me to cook meat for them if they visit because they can't seem to manage a meal without it.
My husband eats meat and I cook it for him because I work part time and he works full time.
Actually, cooking it has meant he eats much less of it than when we met. He used to buy cheap factory farmed meat from the supermarket and now he buys the highest welfare meat he can find from a farming cooperative. He has a lot of dairy and will only have organic now because of the welfare standards. He also agreed to raise our children vegetarian until they are old enough to understand exactly where meat comes from and how it's made.

In what way is it controlling to agree living conditions with someone before moving in with them?! Saying "If you find meat too revolting to have it in the house, then you shouldn't date a meat eater" only makes sense if the meat eater in question cares about and wants to have meat in the house. Saying "if you find meat too revolting to have it in the house, then you shouldn't date a meat eater" even when the meat eater is perfectly happy to not have meat in the house, makes no sense. Why shouldn't two adults agree on a living arrangement that they're both happy with? Why is a pre agreed situation involving compromise on both sides that causes zero issues, controlling? People can conduct their relationships on any terms they like.

@Enchiladas With respect, not wanting to cook baked beans due to having an personal dislike of them is completely different to not wanting to cook meat due to your moral beliefs, the two are not comparable.

@mrsBtheparker when one partner is vegetarian/vegan and the other is not this is a discussion that is had before moving in, no one is inflicting anything on anyone haha they're adults and they've agreed to cohabit on the basis that there is no meat in the house.