Partners ( very new partner”

[Jimineycricket]

So my husband walked out on us in October. He blamed my spending for it. Things have been ok ish ( apart from him buying a brand new bmw, taking all our savings and moving with his parents. Anyway the other day I overheard a young 20 something discussing her boyfriend ( giving my partners name and a few other bits which confirm its my husband. She then said “ I haven’t met his kids yet as they’ll go running telling tales to their mum” I am fuming and so so hurt. Would I be unreasonable to unleash hell on my husband?8

Have you seen a family law solicitor? You really need some advice on what you’re likely to get on divorce and in the future by way of child maintenance. Make sure you keep good records of how much he’s seeing the children.

I understand it hurts he has moved on op, but it’s been nearly six months, he’s allowed to date again, were you hoping he would come back?

It sounds like you will be much better off without him. Channel the energy into the divorce, financial settlement and some contact arrangements, not that it sounds like the dc benefit from spending time with him.

And, tell everyone. Tell everyone he stole the savings, cleaned out the accounts, bought himself a bmw, found himself a 20 year old girlfriend and pays nothing towards the kids and doesn’t see them as he’d rather spend time with new girlfriend. Tell your hairdresser especially! Go with a friend and tell her loudly while at the hairdresser.

So basically after 6months he has a girlfriend .
There will be a finical trail for savings (Which are 1/2 his) so all facted in the settlement .
TBH if he'd been working all hours and you were spending money like water I'd take any savings that were left.
At guess about BMW doubt he has bought it my bet leased the car like everyone does where he doesn't own it just rents it.
Just plough on with divorce

Play a longer game.

You're hurting a lot now and that's entirely human, but let him take the kids so that you can have some free time too.

He sounds horrible, selfish and entitled. But what you need next is the freedom to start building your own new life.

Even if it hurts like hell right now, hand the kids over and let him give you that free time.

But only if it's regular. You nee dto be able to plan

Wer u together 16years or 11 years op you have said both??

He's allowed to see who he wants. Not your business.

But what is OP's business is the fact he's not seen his DC for 7 weeks. It's very much her business and the attitude of "he can do what he wants" is fine on his own time but he chose to be a Father which means those DC are his number one priority and, frankly, anyone who leaves and suddenly forgets to put their DC first is a cunt and deserves a pasting.

The whole "it's his choice" only works if he's stepping up and parenting his own DC. He's not. He's had some cliched mid life crisis, bought himself a fast car, a younger woman and convinced himself he's not an old arsehole. If it wasn't OP's real life it would be laughable.

The two are not related though. You can have a new car, a girlfriend, and see your kids. They are not mutually exclusive. The op needs to separate out the issues, right now she’s more pissed about the girlfriend and money,

your spending must of been out of control if he wouldn't even let you do a food shop? Did you try and stop the spending? Did he try and help you?

That's not necessarily true; a friend of mine has a DH who gives her a weekly allowance for the food shop; truly she's never seen a bank statement, a bank card or had any of her own money. She has to ask him for petrol money and he will decline it as often as he feels like it just to keep her tied to him; it is awful but it's also not a one-off. Financial abuse is rife, it's entirely possible OP was being controlled by him because he's just an arsehole.

I feel for you and he sounds like a total Dickhead to me ! I would see a Solicitor ASAP .You are entitled to at least half of your assets .As far as the pretty little thing goes ,such a tired old stereotype! Older man in mid life crisis with young girl and fast car.You have been very hurt by this man and deserve better for you and DC .

What a shock for you and a horrible way to find out.

He doesn't sound like a very nice man just from the little bit of information you've given us! It sounds like your spending was an outlet for the hurt he was causing.

You have a right to be very upset, but this won't do YOU any favours and you need to think about just you and the kids right now.

You deserve better and you deserve more than this. Turn that hurt and upset into anger and get yourself down to the solicitor and get him paying maintenance ASAP.

Also, try to get proof that he's seeing someone else - text messages, screenshots anything, as you will need this for the divorce.

Keep that chin up OP

@Jimineycricket you see it a lot on Mumsnet, these weird stepford wives who never feel jealousy, hurt and always maintain their dignity around exes...likely because it's the internet and people lie online.

@Kirkman I asked if it was being kept quiet because I didn't want to jump to the conclusion that he was a bit narcissistic but I suspected it.. "I left my wife and kids because fuck them and have you met my latest younger shagpiece?" doesn't sound good but "My wife was shit with money" sounds better. If OP was that shit with money there wouldn't have been any savings and then hiding shagpiece from wife because he wants to appear decent. No doubt new bit has been told OP is suicidal or mental.

But @Jimineycricket this shocked me and I'm amazed you didn't put it in the first post
I got very depressed when my dad died when I was 7 months pregnant with my first child, I then had a very traumatic birth, husband couldn’t cope so booked himself a 2 week holiday straight after
What an utter utter cunt to make what must have been the worst time of your life about him. I am so so sorry, you must have felt so completely alone and unloved and your reaction was entirely understandable

I drowned in depression and ran up a debt on a credit card My god it seems almost irrelevant in the face of his behaviour. How much did his little jaunt cost?
We all fuck up sometimes, but abandoning your wife under those circumstances as well as being so abusive you can't be left alone with your kid is not a fuck up. This guy is a controlling bastard narcissist.
I hate how often that word is thrown about but my god your X ticks the boxes.

@Bluntness100 The op needs to separate out the issues, right now she’s more pissed about the girlfriend and money
She was fairly casual about mentioning the savings and the bank card and described herself as 'overspending' she ran up a debt under the most horrific circumstances which she mentioned almost as an after thought and he took her bank card which is financial abuse but she seemed to think it was reasonable at the time.
She's been in an abusive relationship for years, it can take a while before you 'see' that is was abuse and I think OP is only just getting to a point where she is able to consider that she was not the problem.

OP. This is just horrible.

I imagine it will take a while to process, but try to get on with the practical stuff and focus on you and your DC.

As PP have said, forget about the girlfriend. It’s an appalling way to find out, but that says more about him. She sounds very naive. She might be around for a while, she might be gone next week. Don’t waste your energy on her.

It does sound as though you are being financially abused. Find a decent solicitor and raise this. Keep a record of everything - every message, every conversation. They’ll help you get the best settlement, then you can move forwards in the best possible way for you and your kids.

I do blame myself for the spending. Before I met him I had no debt, a good job etc. He was very charming at first but after we moved in together he would go out on his weekends off doing his hobbies. All day. No house maintenance got done, he always put me down and pointed out I had no friends and no one cared about me. He used to tell me to shut the fuck up
In front of friends. Then my dad got very sick, and I had an awful pregnancy. The day my dad was having the last rites from the priest ex partner went airsofting with his mates. My world just imploded. The money I spent went on food and clothes for kids, not stuff for me. His food shop was tight to say the least, he’d make me do a list and then refuse to get what he didn’t deem as necessary.’eanwhile boxes and boxes of new clothes would arrive for him. We were on and off for 16 years then together properly for 11. Unfortunately for me I still love him, I know I ll get over it, just hurts so much that he’s already discusssed some young girl meeting my kids and they’ve not even discussed it with me. I ve sorted a payment plan with the credit card company and trying find start over but this has hit me hard.

Why do you still love him? How do you still love him? He's abused you and your children for 16 years.

Life is tough now, but he brought nothing positive to your family.
Look forward to a brighter, calmer future.

Thank God you are free of this abusive twat. Now you can start rebuilding your life. Can I suggest you start reading about financial abuse in relationships? It might be an eye opener. How strong you are to have kept standing through so much. Thank goodness he is now someone else's problem.

Solicitor and file for divorce asap. You need a good solicitor so try a few. You want someone who won't just roll over but will fight for your share of the money

You might well find you have more money once you start claiming universal credit as a single parent. Put in a claim with the csa as well - I doubt he will pay voluntarily.

Have you looked at doing the freedom programme op?

It sounds as though you expect better treatment from him now, than you did during your marriage.

He's just behaving as he has always done. Stop expecting anything else. Yoy might not think so, but your children will have suffered through all of your marriage.

He was never there for you, so it doesn't feel like he's gone. Until the new car and girlfriend comes along.

The realisation that it is over and your ex is moving on is always tough.

You've got to separate what is important to you and your children. He won't protect them and you've got to start to do so.

Ignore what he is telling you. He's obviously lying to her as well. But that shouldn't be your concern.

Start to plan the life that you want, without him. Start to put your children's needs first, rather than the love for this man.

Start to put your children's needs first, rather than the love for this man.

Op hasn't said that she does.

Sorry you're going through this awful time, op.

You've every right to feel aggrieved at the way you found out what
your stbx had a gf.
You come across as a lovely person - the Stbx sounds a complete
shit.

said that she doesn't*

He's an arsehole.
He's abusive.
He's a sad middle aged man who is trying to revamp himself
She won't stick around.

There will come a day when you think "THANK GOD he left! What a twat he was!""

@Carrieonhappy I noticed that typo hopefully

If he was such a horrid bastard to you then why are you bothered what he's doing now? Surely you're better off without!
Get things in order regarding custody, child maintenance etc and move on.
What your saying she said about not meeting the kids I personally don't think it's as bad as your making you, your projecting all your emotions onto this one point.
You seem to be more concerned about his life post breakup than your own atm, don't let this be the case!

OP I know it's so hurtful when an ex moves on, it's like a kick in the teeth.

But please read back through your descriptions of him. He was never there for you when you needed him. It was all about him and his needs. He sounded like a shit parent. He called you names. He didnt treat you well. He still isn't supporting his family, the fact he can buy himself a load of new stuff but doesnt pay anything for his kids other than mortgage speaks volumes.

Honestly I think one day you'll turn round and realise you were better off without him