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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partners ( very new partner”

79 replies

Jimineycricket · 03/03/2020 23:20

So my husband walked out on us in October. He blamed my spending for it. Things have been ok ish ( apart from him buying a brand new bmw, taking all our savings and moving with his parents. Anyway the other day I overheard a young 20 something discussing her boyfriend ( giving my partners name and a few other bits which confirm its my husband. She then said “ I haven’t met his kids yet as they’ll go running telling tales to their mum” I am fuming and so so hurt. Would I be unreasonable to unleash hell on my husband?8

OP posts:

whiskeylullaby2 · 04/03/2020 07:20

Yabu to unleash hell. It's hurts When they move on, but you are separated and he hasn't introduced him to the kids.

Keep your dignity and pride and do not give it a reaction

Original poster

Jimineycricket · 04/03/2020 07:53

I was in the hairdressers, we live in a relatively small village. She was discussing with her hairdresser the partner and was saying how she didn’t lie his name, but can’t call him by middle name as it’s his dads name ( which it is) she gave his occupation and other details. I asked him and he admitted they’ve been on a few dates. It hurts so much. He left less than 5 min hrs ago. Bloody unlucky for him that I overheard and soul destroying for me to hear some young girl boasting that he thinks she’s stunning and is besotted. He left after taking my bank card away for years as I spent too much, wouldn’t let me do a food shop as couldn’t be trusted, called me fat and a dribbling mess. We ve been together 11 years. He took the savings into his name when he left, bought a brand new car, loads of new clothes, joined tinder within days.. the list goes on. I haven’t stalked his social media - I wouldn’t know how. But I am devastated and feel like they ve even planned meeting my kids already.

OP posts:

Original poster

Jimineycricket · 04/03/2020 07:56

I would never try and stop the kids seeing him, never. But i will be pressing on with the divorce and making sure I get a fair settlement and also that he has the kids regularly as at the moment he’s either working or “ socialising”

OP posts:

BluntAndToThePoint80 · 04/03/2020 08:01

I am sorry for your situation - he sounds like he was quite abusive to me.

However, he has left you so it’s not your business who he is seeing. It must be hard for you, but it’s really not your concern.

Nanny0gg · 04/03/2020 09:30

I hope you've seen a solicitor.

The financial matters are far more concerning

coconutpie · 04/03/2020 09:43

You need to see a solicitor as a matter of priority. She is not your priority right now - him financially abusing you is. Go see a solicitor and get the financial situation sorted.

Qwerty543 · 04/03/2020 13:52

How exactly do you know he was on Tinder?

Tbh, you've split up. His dating life has got nothing to do with you.

arethereanyleftatall · 04/03/2020 14:00

He's allowed to see who he wants. Not your business.

Original poster

Jimineycricket · 04/03/2020 16:00

I genuinely did hear it in the hairdressers. I just froze. To hear some young girl discussing meeting my children and refer to them “ as running to tell tales to me which is the only reason she hasn’t met them and laughing about it pretty much broke me. He confirmed he’s been seeing her 2 weeks. He informed a week after we split he had joined tinder. He bought a brand new car after we split and gives me enough money to pay the mortgage but that’s it. Nothing towards a the bills. Clothes and shoes for kids? Their clubs etc. Both kids hate going to see him as he is very very strict. MYbe unleash hell was the wrong word but I was so angry and hurt. We ve been together 16 years and to be so quickly replaced and to find out like that was the worst moment of my life. Had to try and hold back the tears. I ve told him that he can see the kids whenever, however at the moment it’s very irregular as has to fit around his shifts, social life and hobbies. I ve had them the last 7 weeks without a break. I haven’t been rude or shouty or anything like that but I have asked him to leave me alone. He was only telling me last month how much he missed me and how shit his life is. I sat there and heard this young girl laughing and joking about how keen he is on her but “ the ex can’t find out so I can’t meet the kids yet” my kids are still trying to process daddy leaving let alone this. I got very depressed when my dad died when I was 7 months pregnant with my first child, I then had a very traumatic birth, husband couldn’t cope so booked himself a 2 week holiday straight after. I drowned in depression and ran up a debt on a credit card. I wish to got I hadn’t but he’s taken my bank card away. If he becomes Serious with her and it’s long term then I ll have to accept it, it’s the fact it’s how on behind my back. We haven’t even filed for divorce yet. I feel like the whole 16 years were a lie.

OP posts:

whiskeylullaby2 · 04/03/2020 16:17

I would really try and separate in your kind two issues.

1 the emotional issue yes it hurts, breakups are horrific and even harder when they move on quickly. Having said that, if he has only been with her for a few weeks, I don't really think he needed to tell you just yet.

Financial issue. See a solicitor ASAP! Get proper advice. The money thing I am a bit torn on. If you were spending A lot and racking up joint debt, I can see why he limited your access to money. However taking your savings etc is awful. He should be paying a percentage of his wage regardless of the cost of the mortgage.

Windyatthebeach · 04/03/2020 16:21

Think maybe she needs getting up to speed..
Imo..

Isthistrueor · 04/03/2020 16:27

He sounds like a prick but he is allowed to have a love life.

Cinderemma · 04/03/2020 16:27

What a horrid way to find out. I think I'd have had to say something to her there and then!

Windyatthebeach · 04/03/2020 16:35

He will have to give you 50 % of any savings I believe..
A friend was in similar circumstances..

GiveHerHellFromUs · 05/03/2020 08:26

OP any relationship is going to be behind your back until it's serious enough for you to know.
I know it's difficult because you've been together for so long but it sounds like he checked out emotionally a while ago.

It won't last once he's given you half your savings back and is paying proper maintenance and/or having regular contact and she realises he's not at her beck and call and he doesn't have the money he's pretending he has, anyway.

Original poster

Jimineycricket · 07/03/2020 20:56

I’m desparately hurt to be honest, and people accusing me of going through his texts etc - I’m not that sort of person. I would never do that - but thanks fir assuming I’m some nutcase ex. I’m hurt as it’s been 20 weeks since he walked out on us. He used our savings to buy a new car. I’m left in the house trying to keep my head above water. And do all the childcare, pay for clothes etc.
I ve loved him 16 years and supported him through shift work, overtime, stressful work courses, he had postnatal depression with my second child and I couldn’t leave him alone with him as he called him a “ fg c*t . I found out in the worst possible way from someone 13 years younger than me and it hurts. It really hurts. Yes he’s allowed to move on but my kids still haven’t come to terms with it and are having night terrors. Some young girl gossiping about this is not helpful and concerns me. But thank you mumsnet for immediately assuming I’m a difficult ex.

OP posts:

Littlebluebird123 · 07/03/2020 21:44

If I was you I'd report your message and ask for it to be moved to relationships. Actual support will be available, rather than AIBU vipers.

OlaEliza · 07/03/2020 21:56

It may hurt now op but it sounds like you are better off without him. Does he still have your bankcard?

And how the fuck does a man get postnatal depression?? He's abusive and you need to file for divorce for that reason.

Mycatwontstopstaring · 07/03/2020 22:06

Op is the bank card in your name (joint account?) Perhaps you could get a replacement card from the bank?

The way he has treated you is awful. I know it probably doesn’t seem it right now, but it is wonderful that he is not going to be your husband anymore. He is financially and emotionally abusive and your future is much brighter without him.

Get legal advice, get the money situation looked at as soon as possible. If it is a joint account then you can freeze it by notifying the bank that there is a dispute. If it’s all in his name then get legal help ASAP. If the house is all in his name then you can legally register that you are a spouse and live there (so it can’t be sold without you knowing etc).

Forget about the girl, I know it was awful hearing that but she’s obviously an idiot. You need to forget about her and focus on the money.

Northernwarrior · 07/03/2020 23:07

he had postnatal depression with my second child and

No he didn’t he was depressed after having a child, lots of stressful events can cause depression. Men can’t have post natal depression because they can’t be ‘post natal’. It’s very dangerous to women saying men can get PND!

NotMiranda · 07/03/2020 23:18

OP, in the nicest possible way, please stop obsessing about what he's doing now, and start trying to get a decent financial settlement. It sounds like he has completely stitched you up right now.

For starters, write down everything you know about your joint finances - salaries, pensions, mortgage, outgoings per month - and then make an appointment with a solicitor - most will give you an hour for free - to find out how to sort it out.

Sickandscared · 08/03/2020 08:28

Hi OP,

I'm sorry you found out like this. She sounds immature and gullible. He will make her life miserable as he has yours. I know you can't see it now but you are way better off without him. You are still very young and he has eroded your self esteem. You have the house and kids and plenty of time to have a great life without this nasty man.

See a solicitor asap and get your finances sorted.

RedPanda2 · 08/03/2020 08:34

Of cours it hurts, itself awful OP. On a side note, he bought himself a BMW but lives with his parents? Sounds like a catch for a gorgeous 20 something.....hopefully she'll kick him to the curb soon

dontdisturbmenow · 08/03/2020 08:37

It's totally normal that it hurts, but that could be the trigger for you to move on emotionally and focus on yourself to love yourself again and regain your confidence.

And remember that everything is wonderful when an older man gets the attention of a pretty young woman, but in the vast majority, the lady gets bored of him after some time and leave for a much nicer looking younger man, after making sure she had him all loved up.

Be patient whilst focusing on yourself. You might be the one all smiles in a few months. Start divorce proceedings.

gafferareyouthere · 08/03/2020 08:49

It will hurt and he isn't being very nice to you but your spending must of been out of control if he wouldn't even let you do a food shop? Did you try and stop the spending? Did he try and help you?

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