AIBU about husband’s attitude?

[hjbows88]

Looking for opinions really. Long story short our dog is ill - has had D&V on and off all weekend which has got significantly worse today despite going to the vets for meds. I slept on the couch Friday night because he keeps needing to go outside for either D or V and if we are upstairs there is a chance we don’t hear him bark. Also, my husband is training for a marathon and had an early start Saturday and I didn’t want him disturbed.

My husband has never, ever stayed up/slept downstairs when the dog is unwell. His attitude is ‘let him be sick/shit in the house, we will deal with it in the morning’ and would rather go to bed and take the risk. I would prefer not to take the risk and so it’s always me that’s downstairs with him when he is ill. Husband has also never taken him to the vets, always takes the attitude of ‘it won’t be anything serious, just let it run its course’ regardless of what his symptoms are. He actually tried to tell me earlier the dog was constantly asking to go out for attention until he promptly vomited all over the floor.

So I’m now downstairs for a second night facing disturbed sleep. I asked if he would stay down instead and he flat refused.

I feel all of this is bad enough tbh but to make it worse I’m 25 weeks pregnant and he is quite happy for me to stay down here instead of him.

Added to all of this and perhaps not relevant, but basically he is absolutely obsessed with running. He runs 6 days a week but would like it to be 7 (and only doesn’t do the 7th day because I say it’s unreasonable). His running each day ranges from 1 hour to 3 hours. On a weekend he goes our Saturday and Sunday morning and is out most of the morning. When not running, he spends his time on his phone chatting to friends about running, filling in spreadsheets about his times, listening to running podcasts or talking to me/anyone who will listen about running. So, if he needed to stay up all night for something to do with running he probably would. But for the poorly dog and his pregnant wife, nope.

I’m feeling totally fed up tbh but if I try and broach it he sulks/denies there is a problem/says I am unreasonable. I don’t know what to do.

It's a bit late to do anything. Your only option is to decide if you can go through with an ultimatum and issue one.

Was it a planned pregnancy? Did he say he would cut down on running?

If this is who he is and always has been, I highly doubt he will be changing for the better. This does not bode well for your future. Only you can say how much of this selfishness you are willing to tolerate.

Yes planned. No he hasn’t. It’s not just the running, as I said that might not be relevant but it’s more I feel the attitude he has - anything to do with me isn’t important, will happily let me have yet another disturbed night despite being pregnant and wouldn’t dream of offering or agreeing to stay down here so I can get a good nights sleep. The fact he will do anything for his running just adds salt to the wound really.

He is selfish. And totally boring. He doesn't care about you sadly. How much longer are you prepared to put up with this?

He's telling you who he is....

good luck to you when that baby arrives. You are going to need it.

Thing is he will turn around and say he isn’t being selfish, I’m choosing to stay down here, just go to bed and if the dog is ill so what, deal with it in the morning. I feel at a loss to explain why this is a problem because quite simply I would never act the way he does so I find it hard to articulate everything that is wrong with his attitude :(

He will say things like ‘well you like to go for a half hour bath each night so what’s the problem with me going for a half hour run every night’ etc :(

What's going to happen when your baby is born?

Given that he's completely wrapped up with his own needs and you, and your welfare, seem to be very low down on his priorities is it likely he is suddenly going to develope some empathy and care for anyone other than himself?

As far as he's concerned there probably isn't a problem because he's doing exactly what he wants.

And he sulks if challenged?

If he's running all the time, when do you actually spend time together? What exactly do you get out of this relationship?

Well the problem for me is that the dog would be distressed by shitting and vomiting in the house. It's not a case of just leaving it to clear up in the morning.

What does the vet think is wrong with your poor doggo ?

Probably something he ate - classic retriever. He was given some meds earlier but they haven’t worked and if anything seem to have made him worse. I don’t think it’s anything serious as he does have the odd episode like this but it’s always me that deals with it. It’s clearly how it’s going to be when the baby arrives as well.

Thing is he will turn around and say he isn’t being selfish, I’m choosing to stay down here, just go to bed and if the dog is ill so what, deal with it in the morning.

you know that anything difficult about the baby - cleaning up, making bottles, wiping up vomit, putting away the filthy nappies is going to be greeted with the same selfish, flawed logic?

And how does a half-hour bath equate to a 1-3 hour run plus shower afterwards? Is he too thick for simple maths?

Honestly, OP I could write the posts you will be putting on MN post baby right now. They won't be pretty.

Yes @pigsDOfly he will sulk/shut down and give me the silent treatment until he believes things have blown over and will then pretend nothing happened. It’s pathetic. He has always done this and I’ve spent 11 years telling him to grow up but as you say he has no empathy because he never believes he is in the wrong because he is getting exactly what he wants. I’m obviously stupid to have expected that to change just because I’m pregnant.

I suspect he doesn’t care much about the dog and that is why he doesn’t help. Which is actually cruel.
You’re a grownup so if you want to sleep downstairs with ‘your’ dog, he’s not going to stop you.
He sounds very detached and unemotional and uncaring based on your description of the situation.I know this is only a snapshot but his running addiction has taken over his emotional self and until it runs its course you’ll be rather lonely.
I’m sorry I haven’t got any practical advice but I hope your dog will get better soon then you can sleep better.

He really needs to cut down on his running and spend time with you

When the baby comes you will need support - how will you get this if he's out running

Good luck - I don't know how you deal with it tbh, he sounds utterly boring and tedious (sorry not helpful)

Of course YANBU but he’s consistent in his selfishness and you don’t have any reason to think he’ll change when there’s a baby in the mix. When you planned to get pregnant why did you not discuss him needing to cut down his running or taking on more responsibility for the dog? He’s not a kind man from what you describe, he’s demonstrably uncaring about the two supposed loved ones in his life.

Give the dog a scrambled egg. A teaspoon sized portion at a time, a few minutes apart. Seems to help mine, he’s also a bugger for eating things he finds.

Your husband sounds like a selfish prick, if he’s not going to help with the dog, he won’t help with a baby. I speak from experience, I ended up LTBing as I didn’t want to raise a child in that environment. Kept the dog though!

Oh OP. I’m so sorry- you deserve so much more consideration (as does your dog!)

I know one couple v close to us that the husband was similarly selfish with the running obsession and it didn’t end well between them.

Not saying that he’s that way inclined at all As we don’t know everything -but there are studies that say people who are obsessed with running are more likely to be narcissists and as a result behave in such perplexing ways. I’ll see if I can dig out that article.

You deserve more consideration than this, it’s not OK.

to you OP.

X post

He has always done this and I’ve spent 11 years telling him to grow up but as you say he has no empathy because he never believes he is in the wrong because he is getting exactly what he wants. I’m obviously stupid to have expected that to change just because I’m pregnant.

Don’t want to kick you when you’re down but there just isn’t much to say to this How is someone with no empathy going to be any sort of father? Are you prepared to leave him and go it alone with your baby? Even if you’re prepared to put up with this behaviour, your child deserves better.

Does your dog have ongoing issues? They shouldn’t be ill regularly enough for this to be an ongoing argument? I understand that you want to stay close to your pet when he is unwell, I think your partner is a dick for not offering to help but people do have different attitudes towards pets and I guess that’s allowed. We’re all different.

However, this doesn’t bode well for the nights that baby is unwell or unsettled. Babies wake up a lot, they are messy and annoying, especially at 2 in the morning but they can’t be left to just sort later. Do you think he will help you when it’s a human and not a dog?

Also the running - does it affect your day if he goes for a run or are you just sat watching Corrie and it’s neither here nor there? If it’s half an hour run and it causes no upset to your day then that’s ok isn’t it - but if he will put this before anything else, then you have a problem. Once baby arrives then no he can’t just take himself off with no consideration to childcare assuming that you’re fine with just doing everything yourself because he wants to run 10 miles.

Honestly it seems that you need to have a frank conversation about how unsupported you feel - the dog is probably a bit of a Non issue because you both have your own opinion and no one is really “right”. But his constant prioritising of his hobby is an issue. You have to decide whether you can stay with him if he’s not prepared to change / compromise / step up when baby arrives.

Hope doggy is better soon!

He will not change. Therefore, you need to start making an exit plan, because you're going to need it. If you think you're fed up and resentful now, just wait until your baby is here. I'm sorry to be negative, but it's the truth.

I read the OP, plus 4-5 more, but nothing more ( which is unlike me- I normally get way over invested in reading all 500 replies l)! so I do look like a dick.....

But. Your DH has a running obsession. It's a way healthier 'drug' than, say alcohol, but the endorphin rush it gives him is what it is.

The running has increased significantly since I got pregnant. He will say it’s nexuses he is training for the marathon but there is always the next goal/next marathon. If I point this out he gets defensive, asks why he can’t have a hobby etc. He hangs around with other people who run, some do it professionally, and they run every day so to him this is now normal and he doesn’t see why I would have an issue with it when loads of other people run every day as well. I can’t remember the last time he asked what I wanted to do at the weekend and it’s now just assumed whatever we do will be organised around his running. Often, but not always, he sleeps the rest of the weekend anyway because he has run so far in the morning he is knackered.

Sometimes he isn’t selfish - for example I needed some aspirin tonight (risk of pregnancy eclampsia) and he spent over an hour driving around pharmacies to get me some because I had tried and failed to get it from three supermarkets (sold out). Initially I was really shocked because he would have been running but then I found out his running partner had sacked it off tonight so it makes more sense why he was willing to go get it tonight. But if I suggest he is selfish now I’ll get this as an example of how he isn’t (‘I spent the evening getting you aspirin instead of running’) etc. Basically he is impossible to reason with, never sees anything from my perspective and I’m an idiot because it’s never been any different in the 11 years I’ve been with him. I guess it’s got to the point now though where it’s become so obvious how unimportant I am because I had stupidly assumed being pregnant would mean a shift in priorities.

He doesn't sound very caring. Maybe it's just towards animals? Anyway hope your dog is better soon. It's rotten when they're ill. Just unfortunate timing for you. Sorry that your dh isn't thoughtful enough to have supported you with this though.

I hate to say this OP but from personal experience I doubt his attitude will change once the baby arrives. Unreasonable behaviour like this is never seen this way by the person acting it out and is convinced it's the other person who is being unreasonable. That being said sometimes having a child changes people. I hope for your sake this is the case.