AIBU about husband’s attitude?

[hjbows88]

Looking for opinions really. Long story short our dog is ill - has had D&V on and off all weekend which has got significantly worse today despite going to the vets for meds. I slept on the couch Friday night because he keeps needing to go outside for either D or V and if we are upstairs there is a chance we don’t hear him bark. Also, my husband is training for a marathon and had an early start Saturday and I didn’t want him disturbed.

My husband has never, ever stayed up/slept downstairs when the dog is unwell. His attitude is ‘let him be sick/shit in the house, we will deal with it in the morning’ and would rather go to bed and take the risk. I would prefer not to take the risk and so it’s always me that’s downstairs with him when he is ill. Husband has also never taken him to the vets, always takes the attitude of ‘it won’t be anything serious, just let it run its course’ regardless of what his symptoms are. He actually tried to tell me earlier the dog was constantly asking to go out for attention until he promptly vomited all over the floor.

So I’m now downstairs for a second night facing disturbed sleep. I asked if he would stay down instead and he flat refused.

I feel all of this is bad enough tbh but to make it worse I’m 25 weeks pregnant and he is quite happy for me to stay down here instead of him.

Added to all of this and perhaps not relevant, but basically he is absolutely obsessed with running. He runs 6 days a week but would like it to be 7 (and only doesn’t do the 7th day because I say it’s unreasonable). His running each day ranges from 1 hour to 3 hours. On a weekend he goes our Saturday and Sunday morning and is out most of the morning. When not running, he spends his time on his phone chatting to friends about running, filling in spreadsheets about his times, listening to running podcasts or talking to me/anyone who will listen about running. So, if he needed to stay up all night for something to do with running he probably would. But for the poorly dog and his pregnant wife, nope.

I’m feeling totally fed up tbh but if I try and broach it he sulks/denies there is a problem/says I am unreasonable. I don’t know what to do.

He wants to know why it’s an issue for him to run every night after work when he ‘then spends the rest of the night with me’ and on the weekend he ‘runs first thing leaving the rest of the day (afternoon and evening) for us to do stuff’. He says exercise is good for us as humans and we should be exercising 7 days per week

So when do you get to spend time doing something for yourself whilst he waits at home for you.

If exercise is good for us humans then when do you get to go running.

Unless he doesn’t think you are human

OP, you knew exactly who he was, and is. You have been together for 11 years.

Rather than upset yourself about something that you have absolutely no control over, and someone who has absolutely no intention of doing anything that doesn't suit him, save your energy for focusing on how you are going to do this alone.

He has shown you exactly who he is over many years.

Unfortunately it took until you were pregnant for you to believe it.
This will not get better.

Seek support IRL and figure out how you will do this alone.

Because you will be parenting alone.

Wishing you and your dog well

I can see his point of view with some of this.

I've never had dogs so may be completely wrong but to me it seems that there would be an argument for letting the dog out last thing, maybe setting one alarm in the night to let out again. Then putting down plastic sheets etc and clearing in the morning after a good night's sleep. I guess it depends how often this happens and how much mess the dog would make.

Then with the running. He was sporty and running when you met him by the sounds of it. Lots of super sporty people train most days. If it is an hour usually, say 6-7, then you have the rest of the night together, I don't see the issue. I would rather that than eg. a slob who watches screens or plays computer games lots and lots, or someone who drinks lots, or works all the time etc etc.

Would he be flexible to set one night as a date night? Would he be happy for you to go to the gym/yoga/cinema/dinner with a friend etc as he's not around? Does he also ask about you and try to look for common interest?

He will need to be aware that things will be different with a small child and he'll have to be open to ditching/moving training and to being hands on when he's back, not sleeping etc.

My brother is a runner and is equally as obsessed as your partner. Either training for a marathon of other races, or following a plan to knock off 10 Seconds or something. Luckily for him his partner runs too though she’s not obsessed like he is. There were plans fit them to have kids (my brother has adult daughters, new fiancé none) but I think running has taken over this. I know it would drive me bonkers so you have my sympathy OP. You need to sit him down before baby arrives and say that something has to change as you will need more help. I think you have to be firm and it might come to an ultimatum. He doesn’t need to give it up but he needs to stick to 3 times a week absolute max

Good God! What a dullard and so uncaring to you and the dog.

Would love to wave a magic wand for you but I don't think this is going to end well. You need to decide what you want and stick to it. Very doubtful that you will get him to see your point of view.

What is it with blokes and obsessive running and cycling?

I'd be inclined to take up obsessive knitting or something equally annoying to him....... clickety clack!

YANBU our dog is my dog in all but the fact he shares a house with the whole family. I am his entire world. And yet DH still slept on the sofa when he was poorly years ago so I could get a decent night's sleep. He would never have made me do this pregnant.

I also think the idea of forcing a house trained animal to vomit or go to the toilet in the house is actually abusive. Our dog would be desperately upset at this as he knows he has to go outside.

Putting the dog's issues to one side I would have concerns you will be raising a child single handedly while he runs...

Two words: Parental leave

Make sure he spends some time as primary carer otherwise he'll never understand and you'll be fighting this battle for the next 16 years.

Lots of super sporty people train most days. If it is an hour usually, say 6-7, then you have the rest of the night together

But it isn’t just an hour.
I presume it is another 15-20minutes for him to shower and change taking it up to 7.20pm and op should be grateful to get his company for the rest of the evening.

When does op have her time to herself to go running or do her hobby each weekday evening and every Saturday and Sunday Morning.

With children by the time he has done his run and showered and changed all the bathing and putting children to bed will be over. When is he going to step up to the plate to put children to bed.

It does sound like he is making the routines now that will mean he won’t be around to do any work after the baby is born

If op chooses to look after their child then that is ops choice.
Left up to him this child would go hungry because he would choose not to feed the baby

I agree with posts about how he treats animals is a good indicator.

He’ll be running home with a screaming baby, expect you to deal with everything and say “I did take her out!”.

Ugh. You can’t really imagine him coming home , cooking dinner and taking the baby from 8-12 so you can sleep do you?
Time to ask if he wants this baby and say if he doesn’t plan on actively ensuring baby is loved and cared for, regularly changed, washed and fed, then he can go now.
Personally I’d go away for the weekend for the next few weeks while you think about it. Let him picture you not around.

Also- very important. Running buggies are not recommended before baby is 8m old, six months at the earliest for some models. I wouldn’t even buy one for risk he’d just use it.

So sorry you are having to deal with this OP
I agree with everyone else, he won’t get any better
I get the impression that you two have separate finances and he is also going to expect you to cover all baby costs.

I second the idea of going away for a weekend and thinking about what you really want and having a chat to relate
It can be easier to end a relationship while pregnant to get used to doing things on your own rather than waiting until you are exhausted and hormonal. Bear that in mind too

Thank you all for your insights. To be honest I’m away with work quite frequently, usually just through the week for a night or two depending on the nature or the trip and location, so he is used to me not being around. Having said that, I do ensure food has been bought and usually cooked in advance so he only has to heat it up and obviously pay for the dog walker and cleaner so although I am away he probably has little ‘impact’ from me not being around and I think he likes it because he can run all night undisturbed.

Yes we’ve always had separate finances and that’s actually been me insisting since we got together. He is pretty good/fair with money but agree there is a chance I’ll be expected to pay for things and will have to hassle for it back.

Thanks for advice re the buggy, will prevent him getting that for at least first 6-8 months.

I had a long talk with him last night to try and explain the issues. He was surprisingly accepting (I think might be first time he has ever agreed rather then denying there is an issue or denying any responsibility for it). He assured me his current running schedule will dramatically reduce after the marathon and he has accepted he can’t run 6 days a week with a baby. He still disagrees with me about the dog and sleeping on the sofa though.

Anyway, I agree with most of what has been said and will begin putting in place contingency plans on the basis that I’ll be parenting alone. If that ends up not being the case, happy days, but if it does I’ll be prepared and can leave once the time is right (need to get my own finances in order etc).

Thanks again everyone!

He sounds boring as fuck tbh.

How is the doggy OP?

Make it clear that when the baby is born that unless he is taking the baby with him then he is no longer entitled to go out running without finding childcare. You will obviously do some of that childcare (but make sure you also get him alone outside of the house) but only what you agree to. Do not allow him to see you as one entity with the baby/default care.

At the moment he technically is entitled to go out when he chooses but too many men assume they can just leave their children at home and women will take care of them. Make it clear this is not the case.

Although I doubt you will do any of this as you are already treating him as somehow a child or your boss in the fact you cook food for him before you go to work.

What on earth are you thinking?

*time outside the house not him

Does he not get that running every weekend morning then sleeping it off the rest of the weekend is a) boring as fuck for you b) a total waste of the weekend c) a massive impact on you?

I’d ban him from talking about it to you. You have zero interest in it, why on earth would you want to listen to him blethering on about it? My DH has zero interest in the horse I own, so I just don’t talk about him.

Honestly, this would be a deal breaker for me. He doesn't care about his sick dog. He runs 6 days out of 7, that alone would be enough to drive me up the wall. That probably won't stop when the baby is vrlorb either, or if it does it won't be for long. He sounds very selfish.

One useful technique is assume weekends and evenings are parenting together and you have to ask the other parent to do solo parenting. So it’s not I’m going running, it’s id like to go running, will be back on deck in 1.5h, are you ok to take baby for that?

*born

Can I just say that my oh is super selfish sounds very similar , banging my head against a brick wall all the fucking time to try and get my point heard like you do , seems to not care much apart from when he does have time for me occasionally or it suits him ... baby came along he has all the time in the world for ! So even though it doesn't help my relationship he is very helpful with baby which obv helps me so maybe a bit of hope left for you somewhere ! Also wondering if he's just not a dog person and doesn't really understand the dogs feelings rather than just thinking of practicality of cleaning up the mess in the morn ? God I almost sound like I'm sticking up for him trust me I'm not just trying to help with a soliutuon , also have you tried an ultimatum with ways to move forward ? Maybe act a bit out of normal and shock him with one ? Xx

To be honest I’m away with work quite frequently, usually just through the week for a night or two depending on the nature or the trip and location

That actually bodes quite well... you're established as going away with work frequently, so he must assume you'll continue to do so after baby is born and that he'll need to be flexible around your work schedule. That could force a more equitable split of childcare.

Hi OP, how old is your dog? I've got a Retriever too. First year or so she was fine then she kept getting bouts of D&V. Turns out she suffers from pancreatitis. Now has to follow a fairly strict low fat diet, so no fatty foods or treat. Have the vets done any bloods and investigations?

That's a lot of words and promises from him. The question is whether his behaviour will change.

Does he have any idea how much mess can be made by a GR with shit on its paws tracking round a room? Seriously, his solution is to just let this happen? Or does he assume that the dog will happily and quietly just shit in one corner and then avoid it?

I've had retrievers. The mess would be spectacular and I bet you'd be left to clean it up too.

As for the rest? He sounds lazy. Not incompatible with being a serious runner, funnily enough. He really just doesn't want himself put out in any way at all. He's going to be another one of these 'stop that baby crying - I'm on a schedule!' men, isn't he?