AIBU about husband’s attitude?

[hjbows88]

Looking for opinions really. Long story short our dog is ill - has had D&V on and off all weekend which has got significantly worse today despite going to the vets for meds. I slept on the couch Friday night because he keeps needing to go outside for either D or V and if we are upstairs there is a chance we don’t hear him bark. Also, my husband is training for a marathon and had an early start Saturday and I didn’t want him disturbed.

My husband has never, ever stayed up/slept downstairs when the dog is unwell. His attitude is ‘let him be sick/shit in the house, we will deal with it in the morning’ and would rather go to bed and take the risk. I would prefer not to take the risk and so it’s always me that’s downstairs with him when he is ill. Husband has also never taken him to the vets, always takes the attitude of ‘it won’t be anything serious, just let it run its course’ regardless of what his symptoms are. He actually tried to tell me earlier the dog was constantly asking to go out for attention until he promptly vomited all over the floor.

So I’m now downstairs for a second night facing disturbed sleep. I asked if he would stay down instead and he flat refused.

I feel all of this is bad enough tbh but to make it worse I’m 25 weeks pregnant and he is quite happy for me to stay down here instead of him.

Added to all of this and perhaps not relevant, but basically he is absolutely obsessed with running. He runs 6 days a week but would like it to be 7 (and only doesn’t do the 7th day because I say it’s unreasonable). His running each day ranges from 1 hour to 3 hours. On a weekend he goes our Saturday and Sunday morning and is out most of the morning. When not running, he spends his time on his phone chatting to friends about running, filling in spreadsheets about his times, listening to running podcasts or talking to me/anyone who will listen about running. So, if he needed to stay up all night for something to do with running he probably would. But for the poorly dog and his pregnant wife, nope.

I’m feeling totally fed up tbh but if I try and broach it he sulks/denies there is a problem/says I am unreasonable. I don’t know what to do.

No @Grumpos he isn’t I’ll regularly - couple of times a year maybe. The dog is the latest example of his attitude I guess. I shouldn’t be surprised and yet I feel it/disappointed that I asked if he would stay down because I did on Friday and have spent all of today/the weekend cleaning up after the dog (I’ve been working from home by chance) and I’m 25 weeks pregnant so could do with a good nights sleep and he felt refused.

I did say when we found out I was pregnant that the level of running he was doing wouldn’t be sustainable and his response was ‘why not?’ And told me not to threaten him/boss him around by saying he can’t keep up this level of running when we have a baby :(

*flat refused

You deserve to be treated better than this, and so does your child.

The running isn't the issue. His general treatment of you, nastiness, headgames etc etc are the problem.

YABU to stay married to a selfish, inconsiderate, bullying dullard

Thanks everyone for responding. I guess you’ve only told me what I knew deep down but needed to hear from others. When you’re with someone who will never accept responsibility for anything you start doubting yourself.

I’m not sure what I’m going to do. Probably the one last time to explain to him why things have to change and go from there. If anyone has any tips for how to have these types of conversations with people who have his kind of attitude I would welcome them.

He’s basically a fucking overgrown child

I was married to a man who was out most evenings and every weekend doing various hobbies - we divorced in the end.

Having children changed nothing and, like your husband hjbows88 as far as he was concerned there was no problem. It was my problem because, like you, apparently, I was the unreasonable one.

The sulking and silent treatment is nasty and his way of controlling the situation and making you toe the line.

And as far as the dog is concerned. I can pretty much guarantee that if you did leave your dog to be ill on his own, in distress, downstairs, you would be the one cleaning up the mess in the morning.

My dog went through a period of attacks of pancreatitis and I spent many nights doing exactly what you are doing and I know how hard it is - you won't be getting much sleep, I'm sure.

Men like this don't change. You've been trying to change him for 11 years, you could be writing another thread like this 11 years down the line.

Marriage to a man like that can be incredibly lonely. Perhaps it's time to think about your needs and the future needs of your baby.

There are no magic words to get him to see reason. You haven't found them in eleven years because they don't exist. Things are this way because he wants them this way because it works for him.

I'm sorry.

The fact he upped his running after you got pregnant says it all, he sees the baby as wifework. You will be stuck at home doing everything and he will swan in and out as he pleases.

I hope the dog is better very soon and that you get a good sleep tonight.

Please don't end up doing everything when the baby comes just because he's being a selfish brat! You need a (series of) conversation(s) with DH about how you and he will manage all aspects of having a child... feeds, nappy changes, getting up through the night, the housework, time together as a couple, time together as a family, time on your own to relax (for running and anything more fun else), returning to work, etc. If he likes spreadsheets, make one in advance so you know what's been agreed! It'll be easier to have these discussions now than when baby is here.

What does he bring to the relationship?
Does he cook? Clean? Do laundry? I can't stand my husbands sweaty gym/running gear and will throw it into the garden if he dares leave it in the wash bin to seep sweat into everything else and stink the place out. He launders it that same day with anything else that needs doing.

How much time to you spent together as a couple?

My DH did most of his stupid ass marathon training before work before I got up and made a conscious effort to ensure that the time he wasn't out running for chuffing hrs on a weekend, we had some quality time together.

Just read your update. Sounds like a good idea.

Sounds like you've been having the conversation for a very long time already so he just needs to know that you can't and won't do this any longer.

I hope you find your way through this.

Mean it. Tell him what you want from the relationship and from him as a dad and be prepared to follow through with separating

He washes up and does the dishwasher, will put on laundry as and when although it’s mostly his running stuff that needs doing! So he doesn’t do nothing. I cook and I pay for us to have a cleaner - he wouldn’t clean the house and would do the predictable ‘it doesn’t need cleaning’ set of excuses (a bit like the dog, denies he is ill or says it’s not serious so not point staying up with him etc). My work has involved w lot of travel in the last 18 months and so he has had to take more responsibility for the dog in terms of walking him however I pay for a dog walker Monday - Friday so he has been able to maintain his running life even when I’m away as can get away with a short dog walk morning and night.

I guess I’m trying to say he isn’t totally useless. In terms of what we do together - not that much. Go out for dinner sometimes, cinema a few times per year and we do get into Netflix series and watch those together. We walk the dog together at the weekend sometimes but most of the chats revolve around running or he finds a way to link what we are talking about to his running. His way of getting around the running thing at the weekend when the baby arrives is to say I can come and walk the dog and baby on a Saturday morning while he does park run OR he will get a running buggy and take the baby with him and I can then walk the dog (who won’t run - too lazy and old!) so again, even if there is a ‘compromise’ it still involves him getting what he wants. On top of all of this he loves watching sport so that’s frequently on TV even though I hate most sport or have no interest in it. Ugh, I’m an idiot.

I was always told "See how he treats animals before you have a child with him."

When I was pregnant, my husband would never in a million years let me spend a night downstairs with a sick dog. He’d have been bending over backwards to make sure I got my sleep. Plus, he’d never have let me get anywhere near the d&v.

The running is different, but also annoying.

I hope he manages to change his ways, but he sounds pretty awful.

He will not change because of the baby. He doesn't care about the baby. He is addicted to running. This addiction is just as real and as strong as if he were alcoholic and got drunk daily.
You will be a single mum with a baby and a roommate who runs. Make some plans now. Open a bank account of your own. Start saving. Look for the future -- a job, a home close to family, etc.

Your examples just make him sound more selfish and useless

Beating yourself up will just make you feel more shit about this. If he won't treat you kindly then you at least deserve it from yourself.

I know it seems extreme people saying leave - but I do agree he is very unlikely to change. You nailed it with your comment about him never taking responsibility for anything. Impossible to reason with on that basis and slowly but surely likely to make you feel more and more lonely and crap about yourself 🙁

Thanks all, appreciate you taking the time to respond x

OP did you know you can book a Relate session just for you, either on the phone or in person - it might be a good idea to get some help like that to think things through, decide what to do next. But I think its pretty unanimous.
Oh and that thing about you had a bath so why can he run, as if anyone their right mind would equate the two - that's gaslighting. I hope you have support from family or friends in RL.

"why can't he run" that should read but I think you probably got the gist!