Hold me back - dyspraxic DS is in the kitchen...

[QueenOfOversharing]

Oh God. DS (21) is dyspraxic (among other things) & he wanted to make macaroni cheese. [we're having a really difficult time of late, so I'm thinking "yay, bonding, sideways talk"]

I've had to sit down in the living room. I may need to go for a walk.

I started him off, making a roux. All good. Then adding milk. Was going great. I saw a few lumps, but hey, do not step in with a spoon, Queen.

I went to sip my coffee & hear "errrrr it's a bit lumpy..." so I pop through & it is like a huge jelly made of pus. He is poking at it with the spoon. There is zero stirring going on. Poking.

I've had to offer help step in - but he is now about to eat macaroni with cheesy jelly. 🤢 I had to taste it. He is eating it "that's really good!" I am trying to look delighted for him I might need a Valium & a lie down

I used to joke with a mum friend at how difficult we found letting our kids do stuff when they are clearly not doing it right - I had hoped I was past that stage. Clearly fucking not 🤦🏼‍♀️

Please can you share your culinary (or otherwise) disasters.

@QueenOfOversharing, you're right. I'm sorry.
Unfortunately, some of us have parents who made it clear that unathletic, clumsy, dyspraxic people are lesser. And I am feeling really shit about myself right now because my dyspraxia is causing me to be unable to help with something important as I am too slow with my hands.

@LuckyLickitung

My DS is still struggling with cutlery for eating

If the OT hasn't already suggested these, do give them a try, they have finger-places so the grip is correct and control is much easier, they made a vast difference here when DD was young.
www.amazon.co.uk/NRS-Healthcare-M80282-Childrens-Cutlery/dp/B00FRGPMBE/ref=asc_df_B00FRGPMBE/?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

www.completecareshop.co.uk/eating-aids/junior-caring-cutlery/junior-caring-cutlery-full-set-aqua-view-large?

doublely so when he shuts down and won't try to help himself
Give him time to process what he's being asked to do or is trying to do, maybe rephrase that instead of 'won't try to help himself' as 'needs time to work out how to help himself.'
Please read up on processing speed and executive function before deciding a child 'won't' do something.

@ISaySteadyOn

Please don't let their attitude rub off on you, you are the best you can be, always remember that. Like everyone else, your deficits don't define who you are.
And I am feeling really shit about myself right now because my dyspraxia is causing me to be unable to help with something important as I am too slow with my hands

Is there any other way you can contribute to helping without hand-speed being a problem? e.g. if it's typing a report, you can use dictation software like Dragon which works just by you speaking into it. these days there are loads and loads of different interventions you can use, not all of them cost a fortune.

I have about 80% of signs of dyspraxia though never diagnosed, was just a 'clumsy child's much to my parent's delight. Never had any issues cooking though, obviously I drop a lot but make a great roux (just don't ask me to drive a manual car or swim!).
Just want to say it's amazing you are encouraging him cooking. My DM never did this with us and my DB is now 34 and lives at home completely unable to make more than cereal for himself. I love to hear these stories.

Pretty sure my DS (3) is dyspraxic too, he really struggles with the same things I do and a clumsy 'dreamy' child. He is a bit young to do much cooking but watching him try to do lego is the ultimate rage inducer.

Ds2 is deaf autistic and dyspraxic.. He lives the other side of the country. When he cooks he facetimes me... It is a nerve wracking experience!

Forgot to add to my post that I am Dyspraxic too. I went on Radio 2 three years ago on the medical slot to talk about having it.

@ISaySteadyOn what the fuck? They are absolute pieces of shit for that! As a mum, I worry about my DS, and he & I joke about things he does differently, but they're different, not wrong. Daniel Radcliffe, Florence Welch - both dyspraxic. But both incredible in ways I could never hope to be. My DS built his own pc when he was still at primary school - I can barely wire a plug.

I'm sorry you're feeling like that and that I added to it. My DS might get lost on the tube, but he can remember the face of someone he saw in Sainsbury's one NYE. I wish I had some of the gifts his brain does.

@Beseen19 it's interesting speaking to ppl who were never diagnosed but can see so many traits in themselves. I found my DS didn't have all the typical traits, but I think those are more a guide to the areas that can be different. He didn't find riding a bike hard, but he still can't sign his full name. As kids, in my day, dyspraxics would have just been the clumsy ones - but then there wasn't as much pressure for kids to be compared as achieving milestones past sitting & standing.

I wish I could say I'm constantly helping him, but certain things I know that if he found ways of doing them that worked for him, it would be best if he does that now, while he knows I am on hand if he needs me. He'll probably still be living with me when he's 45 though. 😂

My adult DS has dyspraxia he is not too bad at cooking but a bit slow. When he was younger between 8 and 15 he had dancing lessons (Street dance) which helped him a lot. Improved his coordination and I think his concentration too.

@Elderflower14 wow, that sounds quite challenging - but incredible. I'm imagining how nervewracking that must be! 😬

Very few ppl know much about dyspraxia still - awesome that you shared your experiences.

@Lillyhatesjaz I definitely agree that certain things that they can practice help with the rest of their coordination. When DS said he was learning to juggle I thought "oh fuck no, what will he break?" but he was really determined! I, meanwhile cannot juggle with 2 balls.

Re bike riding - especially for people with younger dc, depending on where you live there might be support for that. It might need a bit of probing to find out about it though.

DS used to see an occupational therapist on the NHS when he was little, and after we’d struggled with bike riding for years I mentioned it to her, and she referred him for a physiotherapist-led bike riding course. I think it was two sessions - definitely no more than three. By the end of it he was riding with no probs.

It was almost like magic but one thing I found so interesting was that a huge bit of the first session was just learning how to pick up your bike and get on it. I can’t ride a bike myself for other reasons, so I had no idea that would make such a difference - but once you’ve cracked that bit, it’s apparently a game changer 🤷‍♀️

Never got over it. Mine is now training to be a chef and he tells me what I am doing wrong.
I am relegated to the.."oh shit, how do I fix this?" Tips that college don't teach him.
(Hand blender for lumpy sauces as can't be arsed to stand there adding fifteen drops of milk at a time, rinse rice after cooking in boiling water if you forgot to destarch it beforehand etc.)

LucyAutumn
I'm dyspraxic and exactly the same I can bake but I can't cook

The thing i find hardest is things like seeing if things are straight on a wall or not like a picture.
And winding the flex up in the hoover - big circular movements.

Wow this is interesting, I'm pretty sure I'm dyspraxic and I get lost aaalllll the bloody time - had no idea they were connected?
I also danced (ballet) and played the piano for years though, and rode a bike from very young, so I'm grateful for those as they've definitely improved mh balance, movement and fine motor skills.

This thread has made me smile and wince with recognition.

OP, I am dyspraxic, and my daughter who's nearly 3 and not dyspraxic has quickly realised she is ahead of me. I get her to open jars and sort out all sorts of little computer cords for me, and of course she is much quicker than I am with seeing something isn't right.

I actually need support parenting a child who isn't dyspraxic! Since she was tiny she's understood there are things I can't do, but I never felt as incapable before as I never realised how easy these things were. It's awful!

This is our shortbread recipe which DS could do on his own. You can use a blender, but he liked the feeling of squishing it all together til it formed a ball. But it does hurt the hands!! Lol.

Shortbread

250g unsalted butter, softened
250g plain flour
125g caster sugar
125g cornflour

Mix all ingredients together in a bowl until they form one ball.
Roll out to about 1” thick.
Cut into circles.
Place on baking tray, spaced evenly.
Fork the top of each round.
Oven bake - low/medium heat - for 20-30 mins (do not allow to brown).
Take out of oven, sprinkle with caster sugar.
Allow to cool.

@londonmummy66 yes the macaroni is cooked in the milk which thickens with the pasta. Keep stirring though! Add the cheese when pasta is ready off the heat. Simple as anything!

I have what I suspect may be undiagnosed dyspraxia and other things that are diagnosed. It took me years to learn to make a decent mac and cheese. last year my carer helped me and now my mac and cheese no longer has the texture of wallpaper glue. which is good, because I love mac and cheese.

@youwouldthink - thanks so much - will be trying that shortly as I love mac and cheese but can never be bothered as I find making the sauce such a faff

@GuineaSomethingGood my DS Mac & cheese could definitely hang a few rolls of wallpaper...

That shortbread recipe sounds handy for DD1 to do on her own actually (not dyspraxic but stubborn and determined to get on bake off without any adult help).

To whoever thought we were mocking the condition - it's not that- it's sometimes finding other parents sitting on their hands to try to foster independence while trying not to see chaos unfolding in slow motion is helpful as it doesn't half shred your nerves at times. The phrase "no, that doesn't bounce" is heard a lot in our house.

I have traits but no diagnosis too - fairly sure DD2 gets it from me so I do understand

@Kuponut the shortbread recipe is so good for kids - a few of my friends have had theirs make it. No measuring of butter as it's a whole pack, just weighing the dry ingredients. If they find it really hard going (doing it by hand), you can always make sure the butter is really soft.

Absolutely agree - it's hard as a parent to encourage them to have these life skills and not want to advise them to do it "our way". When I see my DS cooking, I realise how many steps go into it, seeing him really trying hard to put it all together.

As a parent to a dyspraxic child you no doubt find you only have 2 bowls left from a set, 1 glass and strangely no forks or teaspoons 🤷🏼‍♀️😂

A tip we found for learning to ride a bike is rather than having stabilisers, take the peddles off and let your child ride it around with their feet on the ground for a while then when you put the pedals back on they already have the feeling of how it balances.