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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how you refer to 'half siblings'

119 replies

Overcomplicated · 02/03/2020 00:11

Aware I'm going to be flamed by perfect MNetters but....
I have 5 DC. Oldest 3 born within a year to childhood sweetheart/first husband. He fucked off, never to be seen again.
DC4 was a result of a 1 night stand. Contraceptive failure, father not involved. Total blessing.
DC5 is result of 2nd marriage. They all refer to themselves as siblings. 'I have x brothers and x sisters'
They're all recognised the same within the family.
DC4 age 9 (SEN) came home from school on Friday extremely upset because a teaching assistant had referred to DC5 age 4 as his 'half sister'
For context, DC5 is mixed race. All 5 are aware of different parentage. I've just never made it a big deal.
AIBU to think I get to label our family relationship, not some random TA?

OP posts:
username1724 · 02/03/2020 08:12

Brother and sister here definitely!

SonEtLumiere · 02/03/2020 08:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Disfordarkchocolate · 02/03/2020 08:21

Brothers and Sister here. I know technically they are half-siblings but there are no halves of love here.

Kanga83 · 02/03/2020 08:23

I already referred to my half brother as just that. Half brother. He lived with my dad and his mum, the OW, so I always distinguished that we were not full siblings. HOWEVER, as all the children live with you and all refer to themselves as siblings I would have a quiet word with the TA and say that there is no half in your family and he's upset. I don't think she has really overstepped the mark really, it's factually correct. In terms of an adopted child, that child is a legal sibling, there is a differing distinction legally of half and step. The TA should have been more aware of how they refer to themselves but I don't think a heavy handed approach is needed .

okiedokieme · 02/03/2020 08:24

I refer to my ex sil as my sister! Relationship titles are what you decide but school officials need to be told as they won't automatically know - some families where there's conflict will emphasise the half or step!

TheGoogleMum · 02/03/2020 08:30

DH has a half brother but always calls him his brother. They aren't even close but I think it would be odd to make a point of saying they were half siblings. Teacher probably shouldn't have done that

Bluebutterfly90 · 02/03/2020 08:33

I have a half brother and step brothers and I always just use "brother" for all of them.

Kittenbittenmitten · 02/03/2020 08:37

I think if half siblings grow up in the same household with the shared parent, it is more likely they will consider and label themselves as full siblings. I am a half sibling and consider my sisters to be my full sisters. It is not for someone else to decide the relationship. I only mention the half sometimes for clarity.

audweb · 02/03/2020 08:41

My daughter has a brother through her dad with his ex wife. We have never ever made the distinction of half brother. It’s a weird concept actually because he’s just her brother, and they love each other. As far as I know he’s never made the distinction either. I think if someone at school had used that term she would have been completely confused.

WooMaWang · 02/03/2020 08:42

I always think the insistence on 'half' is pedantry and often betrays people's attitudes to different forms of families. It's like those weird people who insist on pointing out things like 'adopted brother' or whatever.

I don't really think siblings are divisible. You either are or are not. My boys definitely think of themselves as brothers. Their genetic make up makes no difference to that.

On the other hand, I can imagine people who grew up separately from siblings (half, full, whatever) might not feel like siblings at all. It's about describing your relationship with them, and you may or may not have one of them.

Unless you are working out genetics or something, who really cares about the biology?

fussychica · 02/03/2020 08:46

DH refers to his brother.
I would be very unhappy about this and would take it up with the school.

emwithme · 02/03/2020 08:54

I have three big brothers. No two of us have the same two parents. I don't even share a single parent with the eldest one (dad's first wife's son from an earlier relationship). Doesn't stop him being my big brother though. I also have a half brother, and a step brother and sister.

The difference? I grew up in the same household as my brothers, didn't know of the existence of the half-brother until I was almost an adult, and the step-siblings were a couple of years older than me when dad married for the first time.

emwithme · 02/03/2020 08:55

*third time.

FFS.

ThunderPython · 02/03/2020 08:58

My 2 DC are to different fathers

I am their mother and they are my children therefore they are siblings.

Blood relationships are unimportant to because their bond is as strong as any full siblings.

I also have 2 step dc, and my ex has 3 step dc. So my youngest has 5 step siblings!

ThunderPython · 02/03/2020 09:01

One of them (who does not know I am his aunt) charmingly refers to my nephew as “My Dad’s whore’s bastard”. what a peach. Is his surname Stark by any chance?

(Game of Thrones ref for those who don't know)

Roomba · 02/03/2020 09:05

My son's have a younger half sister. They and I just refer to her as their sister - we're all part of the same family, they're in the same house together some of the week and I would taker her in and care for her like a shot if anything ever happened to my ex and her mother (though I know that isn't their plan for her).

My mother detests my ex and corrects my DC whenever they say 'sister' - she'll go, 'HALF sister...'. My kids just think she's an asshole every time she does it!

mumysgirls · 02/03/2020 09:20

I think TA overstepped boundaries. I think you have to take the child's lead on this and go with however they refer to the sibling. If you're unsure I think it's best to refer to them as sister or brother and be corrected vs the other way around as for lots of people the term 'half' can cause offence.

Porcupineinwaiting · 02/03/2020 09:24

My half sister was always "my half sister". Because there was a 12 year age gap and she didnt live in the same house as me, so it helped to explain the relationship. She doesnt feel any "lesser" because of it though, and I'm closer to her than to my (full) brother.

Chinks123 · 02/03/2020 09:25

My technically half brother, is my brother and I correct anyone who uses half.

Dp has a few half siblings, and whenever I say “your brother” he corrects me and says “my HALF brother.” He doesn’t get on with any of them though so is very quick to point out they’re not fully related.

BertieBotts · 02/03/2020 09:29

DS1 and DS2, just "brothers" - they live together and DH is father figure for DS1, even though no bio link.

OTOH I have a half brother and half sister - didn't grow up with them, do get on with them and consider them siblings, but have never lived together or seen them regularly. Hence half bro/sis makes sense to me.

DS1 has a half brother and half sister he has never met.

hokolo · 02/03/2020 09:32

I totally agree the people who jump in and correct in this way are doing it in a judgmental and covertly hostile fashion. (Barring unfortunate and inadvertent attacks of the literals, which are easily corrected.)

They don't think you are unaware of the genetic relationships in your own family; it's not helpful information. It's done to impose a distance and a diminishment of bonds where you feel none. It's done to try to make you feel that.

Of course this generally backfires on the person doing it quite spectacularly, as who would give up their brother for some random outsider (or even granny).

LuckyLickitung · 02/03/2020 10:12

Context is important. I grew up in a pretty scrambled up family of halfs, steps and mashed up generations. I generally use the description that feels best at describing the quality of relationship, but often have to clarify with specifics or I apparently sound like I contradict myself, and bamboozle people. While I strongly dislike arseholes who pedantically feel they have to correct my interpretation of my family relationships, facts are important too. (Remembers the awkward moment when my niece discovered she was really my cousin as it didn't occur to anyone to update her; we still laugh now)

If the conversation was in a relevant context of a topic like family trees, it is an acceptable factual comment. If it is someone getting pedantic for the sake of it, especially where there is a race element involved that means she is selectively challenging some children but probably wouldn't challenge others as it's not obvious, that is unacceptable.

I'd make a polite enquiry to find out more.

MinkowskisButterfly · 02/03/2020 10:23

We don't have halves in this house, when me and dh married dd1 legally took his name (she was 7), he is called dad. Dd1 is ASD and she had some wobbles upon birth of dd2 but all sorted now. They are siblings, sisters not half sisters.

I am in my 40s and my brother who has a different dad is my brother. Not my half brother, I dont go in for any of this half nonsense.

FoamingAtTheUterus · 02/03/2020 10:28

I'm a half.

We've always referred To each other as brother and sister. I've never heard anyone use half sibling. And I'm old.

Whilst I wouldn't go in all guns blazing I would be asking very firmly what on earth she thinks she's playing at.

DisneyMillie · 02/03/2020 10:31

My dd would hate to have to use the term half sister or half brother - they’re just her sister and brothers