To be a bit hurt?

[Farontothemaddingcrowd]

We are a blended family of 5 children - me and my dds, 12 and 10 and ds 8. My dp and his dd, 3 and ds 7. My family aren't interested in my dc and rarely visit. Dp has very involved and caring parents who visit the grandchildren weekly and like to organise days out etc. I'm finding it really painful seeing what a lovely involved grandparent can be like when my dc don't have that, but I'm doing my best to get involved and hopefully we can all have a great relationship with DPs parents too. DP's mum came today for lunch - we cooked and she had some time with us all. When she left she shouted goodbye to her two grandchildren and said nothing to my dc. I know it was probably an oversight, but I feel a bit hurt . She isn't usually thoughtless like that.

I’m sure she didn’t mean to be hurtful but I understand why it must sting why not try and facilitate some family days out with just you, MIL and the kids together.

The problem is, DP doesnt get as much time with his dc as he would like (he is going back and forth to court) and so us just going out together wouldn't work, because DP won't want to lose time with them. It does hurt and I feel really silly and over sensitive, but I don't think it helps that my mum isn't interested.

@Farontothemaddingcrowd

When your DP's mother 'organises days out' (as you said,) is it only or her son's 3 children?

Sorry, is it only HER and her son's 2 children? Like does she exclude your 3?

I am the one with 3 and dp has 2. No we are all invited. I just feel like she really only wants to see her grandchildren.

With his youngest only being 3, I assume you haven't been together a very long time. As long as she was as nice as one could be to you and your children, I cant see a problem. She shouted an informal 'bye' to her grandchildren, I think your projecting a lot of your own issues on to a very minor thing.

FWIW my grandparents were not interested in both mum and dad sides except my DGN & DGG
and not effected me one bit. My mum always made sure we didn't miss out etc which I'm sure you do to.
If you feel that way about it could you ask her in a nice way if that's the way she feels?

She named them, but I don't know why you wouldnt say goodbye to the other children?
Dp and I are getting married next year. His dd is slightly older than 3 (I changed our dcs ages for anonymity) so we have been together 3 years now.

You might be feeling a bit sensitive because DP's parents are involved with their DGC but not really involved with your children.
You and DP have chosen to be together, but that does not mean that the DCs and DPs chose to be put together.
The fact that you mention DP and not DH indicates that you are not married. To a person who is roughly grandparent age this is not a commitment and perhaps she does not want to get too close to children who may disappear in the future.
It is a difficult situation for people other than the couple to negotiate. This is the first generation who have had such a lot of partner changing and the parents are more stick with the marriage types. I did not see how long you and DP have been together or how long his DPs have known you. 5 DCs are a lot to deal with and maybe they wonder if this is going to last.
I do think though that DP's mother should have addressed the whole household when she left and not just DP's children. Did she mention DP or you in her farewell?

We have a wedding booked so we will be married.
She said goodbye to me, dp and then 'Bye Lucy and Jack' (obvs not real names!).

Seeing it from her point of view, she doesn't get much time with her grandchildren (as your partner doesn't have them full-time). So giving attention to 3 additional children, that she has known for 1 or 2 years and isn't related to, is probably going to take time and practice. It took a few years for me to feel a bond with my step-nieces, simply because I didn't see them often and they had other relatives in their lives. 7 years later and I adore spending time with them. Be patient and it will all come together.

I have written on here so often about my partner’s family and my eldest son’s relationship with them. My son is now an adult and feels that I pushed him onto them and while they were always polite they never treated him as a grandchild.
It is your job to treat all children under your roof equally and to ensure everyone else treats them respectfully but your children are not her grandchildren it is irrelevant that your children don’t have involved grandparents so don’t conflate these issues.
If you want a successful blended family you will stir up resentment between the step siblings if your stepchildren can’t have an independent relationship with their dad and their grandparents without the others being there. Don’t encourage your children to think that their step family is a surrogate family.
If ever your children comment about the difference in the grand parents’ treatment of them and their step siblings’ relationship with their own grandparents use it as an opportunity for an honest chat. Why don’t you try and engage your own mother?
Make sure you always try to have a good relationship with the stepchildren yourself and encourage the relationships of the children without trying to intrude on their other relationships.

My mother is incapable of being a good grandparent so that's a non starter. I'm not trying to intrude on their other relationships? Their grandmother came to my home so naturally we were there. They do also have time without me - why would you assume they don't? I try to get the balance right.

It feels like actually you could be saying to her how lucky you feel to have her in your DC's lives because she's such a warm, involved grandparent & it's really great for them to experience a bit of that too. I wouldn't put pressure on her to treat them all equally but instead show how valuable she is in your new blended family. The fact that it stings you a bit that your own parents aren't like that isn't her fault.

She is lovely. She makes cakes for everyone's birthdays etc. I do think though, that you should say goodbye and hello to everyone in the home you visit. I don't think that's being pushy, it is just good manners.

These GPs aren’t particularly pleasant people if they are so rude

So don’t be upset your children don’t have them in their life’s

As for not having grandparents in your side - same here, mine both died Pre children and I’m divorced. I sometimes feel sad about it but one of those scenarios where nothing can be done about it, so I squash’s sadness if it rises (rarely) and all good!

Lives

It doesn't sound like she did it on purpose as you say she is normally quite nice, but rather than ruminate on it the thing to do is to shout out quite purposefully but cheerily "Don't forget to say goodbye to child A and child B." so that she gets the message.. and pick her up on it every time until it sinks in but not in a grumpy way, in a cheerful reminder way.
I think you are lucky that there is someone in a grandparent role what ever the connection, since your own lot are not stepping up to the plate. At least it sounds like she wants to be involved. Try not to overthink it but if the situation persists have a talk with her in a nice way as she sounds as if she would respond. Best of luck.

Pull her fucking straight up about it. There is absolutely no excuse to be like that. My exs mum bought my youngest a birthday and Xmas gift even though she's not her grandchild and actively tries to include her in activities that her older brother and sister are involved in with exs family.

Is this a regular thing or a one off?

I agree with you in that it's only polite to address everyone in the company. However, you said yourself that she isn't usually thoughtless, she arranges days out that involve all of you and she makes everyone a cake for their birthdays. Don't let this one thing become an issue, sounds like an oversight on her part on this occasion.

If it happens again, then I'd be inclined to say something or just shout your kids down and say something along the lines of, 'step-granny's leaving now, come and say goodbye', reminding her that they are there too.

I think you are overthinking and maybe will cause a rift.Shes nice to them,invites them on days out.So she didnt say goodbye,people forget.Maybe she already said goodbye to them and you didnt hear.

Her relationship with your dc will grow.Dont compare her to your dm,its not fair.

She definitely didn't say goodbye to them but yes I think it was an oversight and things will get better. I think I'm finding things painful as it is stirring up feelings for me. My mum didn't visit me when I was alone with 3 small dc; she lived 5 minutes away; didn't work and I was suffering from depression. So to be confronted with a lovely grandparent is difficult for me as I can see what I don't have.

I just feel like she really only wants to see her grandchildren could anyone blame here for that? She doesn’t get to see her grandchildren that much and of course she wants to give them all her attention.

I mean your children are NOT her grandchildren and they never will be. She isn’t excluding them from days out or making cake etc so there isn’t an issue here.

It’s not her fault your parents are a bit shit and don’t want to know, and let’s face it that’s why your being over sensitive here jealousy absolutely is showing it’s ugly head

God yes, of course you should shout all the children to come down to say goodbye to her. I'd missed that you didn't do that. That's only good manners & would make her feel valued by your whole family.