To be a bit hurt?

[Farontothemaddingcrowd]

We are a blended family of 5 children - me and my dds, 12 and 10 and ds 8. My dp and his dd, 3 and ds 7. My family aren't interested in my dc and rarely visit. Dp has very involved and caring parents who visit the grandchildren weekly and like to organise days out etc. I'm finding it really painful seeing what a lovely involved grandparent can be like when my dc don't have that, but I'm doing my best to get involved and hopefully we can all have a great relationship with DPs parents too. DP's mum came today for lunch - we cooked and she had some time with us all. When she left she shouted goodbye to her two grandchildren and said nothing to my dc. I know it was probably an oversight, but I feel a bit hurt . She isn't usually thoughtless like that.

@Frivolouspancake - saying goodbye is not pretending the dc are your own gc. Also I often do things separately. Dp is spending the whole of Easter apart from us when we go away and we do not spend every weekend together either. I've been clear on that.

Quite right, OP. Good for you.

No I agree with you in this instance OP. It’s rude to leave your children out (as it would be if it was a family friend leaving)

I just really do feel for GPs in these circumstances as the can’t seem to do anything right.

So you met him 2 years ago. I assume you dated a reasonable amount of time before introducing the children and then a while longer before moving in together, so probably been living together a year or less? And you expect your partner's mother to embrace your children like her own GC, to given them equal time and love? I think your expectations are unreasonable. She sounds extremely kind and inclusive considering. Don't blow it.

I'm so glad you've realised so quickly, that you were worrying about nothing, OP.

In the end, I learned to manage my mum's attitude, mostly. I don't even suggest to my (adult) daughters that they visit her, now.
When I told her that she was going to be a great grandmother, she looked at me, said "Oh" and turned back to the TV.

I shouldn't have expected anything else, but yep, that hurt. So I get it.
I'm glad you're appreciating your DH's mum now. Make the most of her. Encourage your kids to make/ draw things for her, maybe. Or you get her a little token now and again, so she knows you think of her.

You could’ve responded with ‘a, b and c, say goodbye to Grandma!’ ? She maybe didn’t realise as she does sound like a very caring Granny.

Did your DC say good bye to her? It works both ways. If they'd gone off and ignored her, maybe she was a bit put out about it?

I don't expect equal time and love at all. That wasn't the point of the thread - I wasn't upset that she doesn't spend equal time and love on my dc. It was the forgotten goodbye - but I have realised that next time I should just call all the dc down. They were all playing upstairs and didn't realise she was going. I have recognised that it was an oversight, it is still early days and she is doing her best.
Last weekend his dc went swimming with his dad and I went to see a friend, so we often do things separately. Dps parents are not together so it does mean there are two sets of grandparents to accommodate but we do our best. I do think we should do some things together as well, though.

I suggested to DP that we invite his mum over when we haven't got the dc. He was not keen but is happy to do that if it makes her feel welcome.

Op she probably things have been a tad.... rushed

In the space of 2 years you have met, moved in together, blended families with young children and got engaged due to be married shortly.

That is... quick. She sounds like she’s trying her best. Give her time

I don't think it was deliberate and I don't think she was making a comment on things being rushed either. I think she forgot and I've overreacted, but the perspectives on this thread have been helpful at making me a bit more self aware.

The issue isn't her. It's your family and their lack of interest. You can't punish her for your mum's shitness . She's doing more than she needs to already.

I am glad you are seeing things as they really are.

I also could come on her complaining how little my dd is blessed. Her paternal grandma is dead as is her maternal grandfather. She has no siblings and this was not dh or my choice. My fil is not capable of being an involved Gp. Suspected autistic traits and with no ability to connect to her. I am NC from my abusive sibling. Plus I am disabled and have a bunch of health issues... I also didn’t feel loved as a child. Although my mother is at least a better grandparent to my dd.

You have a DP with a lovely mum. Your children will get a lovely experience being around her. If she doesn’t always treat all the children the same, maybe you can help to soften the blow.

I'm glad to see you have thought it through.

As someone who is 10 years= into a blended family I'd say give it time.

The conscious behaviours matter much more than a subconscious slip. She's simply thought "say goodbye to the children" and shouted bye to the two that come automatically to mind.

The fact she's making birthday cakes and including your children shows she is making the effort.

I think you are mixing up what you hoped would be the relationship between you, your mother and your children with what is reasonable to expect from your dp's mother.

It is awful that your own mother has been a disappointment as a grandma and I can understand that you must feel it watching your dsc having a much better relationship with their dgm.

Just as you love your dc more than your dsc it is natural that she loves her dgc more than her dsgc. Since the parents broke up, as the dad's mother, she may get less time than she used to with her dgc and sadly was a bit thoughtless in focusing on them with her goodbyes in your house.

I agree that ideally that shouldn't happen, but you say she is a lovely person, so I would just keep moving gradually towards a more blended approach. 'Blending' of families, especially extended members, doesn't happen quickly however much we would like it to.

In your position I would be working towards a closer personal relationship between you and your dp's mother. Maybe a lunch or coffee out together or invite her around for coffee when kids are all at school and dp is out. As she grows to love you more and you talk about your life and sometimes your kids more, she will get to know you all better

I wouldn't make an issue over this at first. Have a name your children can call her, preferably not the same as her own grandchildren, there is a difference, then when she's about to leave, if it happens again, after she's said goodbye to her own dgc, say to them, with a smile on your face, say goodbye to nanny/auntie Annie johnny and jane and she will soon get used to saying goodbye to them as well. Check with her first, without the children around, regarding what she wants to be called.
If you take it slowly, recognising the natural differences in the relationship, she could well become a much loved extra family member for your children and a great friend to you. Good luck op