To be a bit hurt?

[Farontothemaddingcrowd]

We are a blended family of 5 children - me and my dds, 12 and 10 and ds 8. My dp and his dd, 3 and ds 7. My family aren't interested in my dc and rarely visit. Dp has very involved and caring parents who visit the grandchildren weekly and like to organise days out etc. I'm finding it really painful seeing what a lovely involved grandparent can be like when my dc don't have that, but I'm doing my best to get involved and hopefully we can all have a great relationship with DPs parents too. DP's mum came today for lunch - we cooked and she had some time with us all. When she left she shouted goodbye to her two grandchildren and said nothing to my dc. I know it was probably an oversight, but I feel a bit hurt . She isn't usually thoughtless like that.

She is lovely. She makes cakes for everyone's birthdays etc

You are so lucky to have someone who does that for her step grandchildren. That's so much more important than a tiny bit of forgetfulness.
I've even managed to only say goodbye to one of my DDs when they've both been in the house! It's just a simple slip that you're reading way too much into.

She doesn't see her son's children as often as most grandparents, so her generosity in sharing that time with you and your DCs or to be celebrated. I honestly don't understand why you're angry with her for this slip, when she's so good and caring about your children.

You really have this out of perspective. I can see why your panicking, bearing in mind your parents. But you really should be showing your DH's mum how much you and your children appreciate her. So many posters must be envying you.

She sees them weekly - I would say that is as much as most grandparents to be honest. Yes it probably is jealousy and over sensitivity. If it happens again I will shout all the children down, I don't know why I didn't think of that. I am always very nice and appreciative when she's here - I've posted here because I wouldn't voice this to her. I know I have some issues here that aren't anything to do with her.

So generally she is making an effort - has made cakes for their birthdays and includes them. It sounds like its a conscious effort and she is doing it. But its not yet part of her subconscious - so she forgot to say goodbye to them. I can get how it stings you - but unless there is more to it and you think she is deliberately being mean I think its one to let go...

shout your kids down and say something along the lines of, 'step-granny's leaving now, come and say goodbye'

And absolutely that. I had to do that every time my mum left. She hardly ever said goodbye to her own grandchildren. That was normal, not a slip as in your DH's case. My mum couldn't be less interested in her GDs. So I feel your pain OP. I was lucky to have a fabulous MIL who was a wonderful grandmother. I loved her so much for that. And my DDs adored her.

Yes that's exactly it. She is making a conscious effort but it isn't yet part of her subconscious. I need to be more understanding too.

She isn't usually thoughtless like that

Then don't make an issue out of it. None of us is perfect.

Sounds like the issues are more about your DC's lack of dgps than any fault on her part.
.

Clearly an oversight if she’s normally lovely. If this is the first time it’s happened then I would just let it go. If it happens regularly maybe mention it then. Sounds like she and your DP have a bit of crap going on with access etc so I wouldn’t park any more drama on her at the moment. She may eventually get close to your DCs, but her main focus and energy is always going to be on her own grandchildren, which is hardly surprising.

Cross posts . Good response OP

* would say that is as much as most grandparents to be honest. *

There is no “most” about it. Some daily, weekly, month, quarterly, never

Think about it, OP. Presumably you had to make a conscious effort to include your DP's children and you treat them the same way as your own, initially. And I bet even now, you can't honestly say you love them as much as your own children. But over time they've become more and more part of your family.

On a once a week visit, it's going to take longer for her to feel similarly about all five children. But she's clearly doing everything she can to facilitate that. She must be fond of your children, to include them in everything.

"TO treat" not you treat.

YABU to be so oversensitive, but it's understandable that you are carrying baggage about your own parents' lack of support. I'm sorry they aren't there for you.

Your children aren't her grandchildren. They never will be. That's OK, they can still have a great relationship with her. But she will always (and totally understandably) have a much stronger relationship with her grandchildren.

My parents don't regard soon-to-be-SIL's children as their family. They see them as part of my brother's new family - and of course are nice to them - but those kids just aren't part of their family like DBro's children are. STB-SIL's parents likewise - they are nice to DN but it's not like their grandchildren.

My parents always say you'd die for your grandkids. It's like your own kids, but easier.

Your DP's mum sounds absolutely lovely.

In a funny sort of way you're trying to punish this poor woman for being so great because your own DM is crap.

Careful, now.

You and your DC are bloody lucky to get a second chance with a grandmother.

Don't blow it.

I just feel like she really only wants to see her grandchildren

Why wouldn’t she?

I would hate to have to care about 3 random other kids, and if I’d pretty much got it right, but had caused upset by not individually naming them all when saying goodbye on one occasion... I would be making a hell of a lot less effort in the future.

OP why are you fibbing?
You haven’t been with him for 3 years ago.
I remember you from the OLD threads!

In jan 2018 you posted * I would rather not spend money and time on dating for such little return. I'm not convinced it's the best thing for my 3 children either.*. And went in to say you were going to focus on carving out your own life with your children.

And now you’re saying that been with him 3 years

My point is - these grandparents clearly have not been in your children’s lives for very long. Rude of her definitely but cut her some slack

I am genuinely sorry that this lovely woman had triggered something in you. I hope that the issues you have with your own mother doesn’t spill over into your new relationship because it sounds good.
You say you want to strike a balance but want to be ‘involved’ and for you and your children to have a good relationship with your MiL but make sure it is not at the expense of your step-children’s relationship with her. How often do they see her alone without your children? This will cause real resentment if it’s not often.
When they’re together try and take your kids out to make nice memories. Does their dad’s parents have any involvement with them?

Without wanting to upset you, she is there to see her own grandkids and she isn’t going to feel the same about your kids, nor can you expect her to. But as long as she is kind, which it sounds like she is, that’s all you can ask of her. You read so many horror stories on here about step families I think you’re one of the lucky ones!

All the children downstairs saying goodbye to guests who are leaving, then they can all say bye and she’ll do the same.

I think this falls into don’t sweat the small stuff. Focus on her kindness and generosity in embracing her son’s new expanded family.

Are your children present every time she comes to see her GC? Maybe it's hard for them seeing so little of each other and she's mindful of the fact her GC have to share her with yours now. While misguided, her making a point of saying only their names was perhaps to underline their unique relationship. It certainly doesn't sound malicious.

Does she come over when her grandkids aren't round? Might be good for her to come for dinner when it's just your three.

I met him in Jan 2018, yes. Thank you for going through my old threads. You are correct. I lied partly for anonymity but I did get together with my dp 2, rather than 3 years ago.

She is a lovely woman. I will invite her over when it is just us. I don't think she did anything deliberately at all.

Unfortunately their dad's dad is dead and their dad's mum has dementia.

They see her often without us and actually I'm going away at Easter when DP has his dc, just with my 3 to give them all some time together.

And I met him just as I had decided to give up dating

God I really feel for the grandparents in these new blended families! It would frustrate me having to pretend after such a short time, that all the children were equal to me and having no alone time with my own GC.

I am a lucky woman, this thread has made me realise. I didn't have a great childhood - and so it's been a difficult adjustment period but I have the opportunity to have this amazing family and extended family and I need to appreciate the people in it a bit more, rather than being so sensitive to slights.