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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not have left him with the DC yet?

64 replies

Daisypop89 · 01/03/2020 14:07

Together 6 years. Two DDs, aged 3yo and 6mo. I've never gone away and left DP to look after the children, not even for one night, not even when there was just DD1.
He, however, has been away numerous times, each time for several days up to one week in duration. He is now away again for one week, but this time, it's actually for work (all previous trips were by choice/social). I have never asked for anything in return for holding the fort while hes gone, but from conversations we had before he took this trip, I have the distinct impression that he would have no intention of agreeing to mind the DC for a period of time if I were to go away.
Am I being taken for a mug? Has anyone else never left their DC home with partner, but your partner has and probably wouldn't do the same for you??

YABU - mums just don't get away that much, par for the course
YANBU - I need to take a break and let him manage DC on his own

OP posts:

TheDailyCarbuncle · 01/03/2020 14:09

My two are 6 and 9 and I've been away about 10 times since they were born, sometimes just for a day, often for a weekend and most recently for four days. We are equal parents. There is no way I'd put up with my DH refusing to look after his own children.

TheDailyCarbuncle · 01/03/2020 14:10

Sorry I think I clicked YABU by mistake!

TheDailyCarbuncle · 01/03/2020 14:11

Changed it :)

HariboBrenshnio · 01/03/2020 14:11

What is there to agree? They are his kids so he needs to provide childcare. What reason would he have to say no? Plus, if you've booked to go away he needs to organise his days/weeks with them.

I go away about 4 times a year, usually just for long weekends with friends. DH does similarly as he visits home alone (he's a Londoner, we live in Yorkshire) to see his friends. We occasionally take annual leave to cover each other but it's pretty fair so we don't begrudge it.

I think some time away from the home and children, especially if you're the main carer, is valuable to your mental health.

OakleyStreetisnotinChelsea · 01/03/2020 14:12

It's personal choice.

If you feel that he wouldn't be able to cope and safely care for them then that's an issue. If you just don't feel happy being away from your baby until they are older then that's not an issue. I Bf mine so couldn't reasonably leave them although I did leave smallest overnight from around a year for work and dh just muddled through.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 01/03/2020 14:15

The question is, do you want to have an evening out? It's not something you HAVE to do but if you want to you certainly should have the opportunity.

FWIW, I went on a night out for the first time when DS was 6 weeks old. I was only out for 4 hours but my ex was perfectly fine with looking after his own child. We are divorced now so ex regularly has DS on his own. Men aren't incapable, it's not "childcare" when you're caring for your own children and we shouldn't pander to the "he can't cope with them on his own" nonsense.

LuckyLickitung · 01/03/2020 14:21

I normally have a couple of weekends a year where I go away and do things without DH and the DCs. Not within the first year when my bottle refusers needed milk too much, but from 1, DS2 managed a few days without me and breast feeding continued (engorgement was the tricky bit)

It's never been a big issue. DH is a willing father if sometimes needing a nudge in the right direction over things, but I've never had any qualms about his parenting ability and it's healthy for him and the DCs to have time without me, and me to have time without them. The only logistics are making sure we are aware of when we need the other parent to continue on solo.

thepeopleversuswork · 01/03/2020 14:22

What has he actually said to create this impression?

You are not under any obligation to go away if you’re not comfortable. But a partnership where one partner is able to go away and the other isn’t is not good. Firstly it creates resentment on the part of the partner who is disadvantaged and will damage the relationship. More importantly perhaps it send a dreadful message to children about the roles of men and women.

Original poster

Daisypop89 · 01/03/2020 14:22

I have had evenings out. I'm more referring to actually going away somewhere, out of the area/country for a weekend or a few days. I've never done that. I think he's been so spoilt by only ever having to put in one hour of parenting in the evenings after work (by which time I have everything done apart from DD2 bedtime bottle). I put dinner on the table for when he gets in, he eats, showers and gives a bottle. That's it. I think he just can't even fathom what it would be like to look after the two of them by himself for any extended period.
He minded them once for a couple of hours before Christmas while I ran around the shops like a lunatic because absolutely nothing was bought.

OP posts:

PleaseSeeMeNow · 01/03/2020 14:24

Of course he should be able to manage the DC on his own. He’s their parent for goodness sake.

I’ve been away, it’s not an issue with DH because it shouldn’t be. Because we’re a team.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 01/03/2020 14:25

Doesn't he ever have them both at the weekend eg while you have a lie in or get your hair cut or anything?

Fatted · 01/03/2020 14:26

Well, when DS1 was a baby I worked 3 weekends out of 5. Then when I had DS2 I was out working every evening after DH finished work. It has only been in the last 18 months, I have worked a similar pattern to DH.

So he had to pull his finger out and actually look after his own children because otherwise we wouldn't have a roof over our heads or food on the table.

Your 'DP' is an arse.

Original poster

Daisypop89 · 01/03/2020 14:27

Nope. He looks after the baby one morning at weekends while I bring older DD to swimming lessons. He would watch them while i go and do the food shop for an hour the odd time. I haven't had a haircut since last summer but that is a good reminder that I should book one!!

OP posts:

IceColdCat · 01/03/2020 14:28

DH goes away for work sometimes, whereas my job doesn't involve travel. But if we're talking about social reasons, I have as many trips away per year as him (typically one each).

Waxonwaxoff0 · 01/03/2020 14:30

I went away to New York for a week last year, leaving 6yo DS with his dad.

If you want to go away, you should be able to go without question.

Don't pander to him. Leave him alone with the children for once.

MotherPupper · 01/03/2020 14:31

There is no way I would have had children with someone who wasn't capable of looking after them!

june2007 · 01/03/2020 14:34

TBH I only left my children when they were that young when they were in hospital or onetime we were going on holiday and child was ill so she stayed with grandparents. But if I wanted to husband could look after them. (Except at 6 I was bf.).

Jess827 · 01/03/2020 14:35

I would be worried about this because it's too fragile!

What if you were ill?
In hospital?
Needed to go away with work?
Visiting relatives?

I've never left DC for an optional "force DH to cope" situation, but I think it's extremely precarious and, honestly, sad, that he likely couldn't cope with looking after his own children because he's just not involved in the day-to-day. It's fine to do specific things dependant on your setup, but both parents need the ability to care for their children alone unexpectedly.

To me it's a safety/peace of mind thing.

P.s. pissing myself at the idea of getting to "agree", lol. Mums are one half of the parents. Any man who thinks he's minding his own kids, babysitting etc needs to grow the fuck up. Men are equally as capable and plenty are excellent fathers, having a penis doesn't render you incapable of primary care... That's a choice.

billy1966 · 01/03/2020 14:36

OP, you are completely settling for a useless selfish man.

This is on you.
The only person who can change this is YOU.

Tell him you are planning on going away regularly and will now start with going away for 4 hours...following week all day....to be followed up with an overnighter......if you don't insist upon it, of course he's going to quite happily let you be a mug.

If you want to change things, then YOU have to be up for the change.

bigchris · 01/03/2020 14:38

I also go away between 4 to 6 times a year, makes me a better mum

Thymelord · 01/03/2020 14:38

He isn't "minding" them. They are his kids, he's parenting them. Are you minding them when they are with you?

puds11 · 01/03/2020 14:39

I would not be happy with him going away if I wasn’t 100% convinced it worked both ways.

I’ll have to go away for work at some point and have no qualms leaving DH to look after the children.

NaviSprite · 01/03/2020 14:41

Have you ever asked him? I know you don't feel like you should have to as it would be appreciated much more if he could just recognise this without a prod and offer to... but that being said sometimes they do need it spelling out for them.

The only way you can know is to say "On X night I'd like to go out and do X (or see friends, whatever it is you would like to do) I think this would be a good time for you to spend some alone time with DC." Try to sound as light and neutral in tone as you can. His response, will be your answer. Depending on what it is - you can then weigh up whether he values the time you have put in looking after the DC when he is away and make some decisions from there about how your relationship may need to change.

I did this with my DH when our twins were around 9mo - his response was an emphatic yes! I was surprised and he noticed this, turns out he hadn't wanted to insist he get to be alone with them because I was a bit of a dragon with them at the time (I was unhealthily protective of them due to their prem birth, low birth weight and 4 month NICU stay). I'm not saying you are the same as I was then, but without asking him, you won't know. Good luck OP .

Frankola · 01/03/2020 14:41

You cannot seriously be happy to put up with this?!

Get yourself a social life and tell him to either like it or lump it.

Threads like this make me appreciate my husband so much!

NaviSprite · 01/03/2020 14:47

Sorry your updates hadn't loaded when I typed my response OP but I think it remains similar, have a look at what type of getaway you'd like and raise it with him.

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