To not have left him with the DC yet?

[Daisypop89]

Together 6 years. Two DDs, aged 3yo and 6mo. I've never gone away and left DP to look after the children, not even for one night, not even when there was just DD1.
He, however, has been away numerous times, each time for several days up to one week in duration. He is now away again for one week, but this time, it's actually for work (all previous trips were by choice/social). I have never asked for anything in return for holding the fort while hes gone, but from conversations we had before he took this trip, I have the distinct impression that he would have no intention of agreeing to mind the DC for a period of time if I were to go away.
Am I being taken for a mug? Has anyone else never left their DC home with partner, but your partner has and probably wouldn't do the same for you??

YABU - mums just don't get away that much, par for the course
YANBU - I need to take a break and let him manage DC on his own

Left both my kids alone with DH for a weekend from around age 1. They are now 2 and 4. It’s not frequent, maybe once or twice a year, but he’s fine with it. He goes away for work and socializing too. They’ll probably live in pjs and completely unmatched clothes all weekend and eat random meals with minimal vegetables, but that’s not my problem!

Not to be too harsh @Caterina99 but this sort of thing

They’ll probably live in pjs and completely unmatched clothes all weekend and eat random meals with minimal vegetables, but that’s not my problem!

annoys me. Unless of course, when your DH goes away you also slob about, in which case fair enough. But, if you are organised and feed your children well, while your DH flakes out and puts in the bare minimum that's not good enough IMO.

Annoys me too. Like you say - I manage!

But I pick my battles. They are clean and fed and suitably exercised. Daddy doesn’t have the same standards as I do and I’ve accepted that. The kids love it, and I’d rather he just got on with it, rather than be like my friend’s DH who calls her constantly on our weekend away to ask the most mundane questions about the DC as she’s such a control freak

Of course you should be able to go away for a night or two, especially if he frequently gets to.
I would start by arranging a day into evening trip out ( not overnight ) to get him used to having DC by himself for prolonged periods of time before going away for the weekend. He is their father and of course should take equal care and responsibility for them . Having said that neither me or DH had a social weekend away without children until our oldest was 16 and youngest was 8 !! DH did have weeks away but only through work. I'm slightly jealous of all these mums that get to go away 3 or 4 weekends a year!

I'm guessing that it's not the case that your DH doesn't have the same standards as you @Caterina99, rather he doesn't really think parenting is his job, so when he's 'filling in' for you he only has to do the bare minimum rather than actually stepping up and being a proper, organised parent.

And I'm also guessing your friend isn't a control freak, it's just that her DH also doesn't see parenting as his job and makes the point by requiring her to manage him.

I went away for my first night away a few weeks ago and it was bliss.. kids are nearly 6 and 3. It's not that I wouldn't have trusted him to look after them properly before, it was me feeling too much guilt. He would have done it earlier if I'd have asked. Your husband is being extremely unreasonable.. everyone should be able to manage their kids solo.

Well have you told him he weds to have them for longer and he's said no, or have you never told him and are playing the martyr because he hasn't insisted you leave the country for a week?

If you say I'm going out Sat, you don't have plans do you, great, enjoy the kids and he refuses that's a problem.

If you turn down every invitation without ever mentioning and give him the impression you don't want to be away from the kids for more than an hour, then it's your choice.

Do you want a night away? Even a day trip out somewhere or time for a long coffee? If so, communicate that and take it from there

And it's worth asking the question why you blame yourself and your friend for both your DH's behaviour.

@TheDailyCarbuncle projecting much? DH doesn't do stuff to my "standards" or my way. He doe however have eldest tons, and I go away more than him so he absolutely gets its his job too hates people saying men "babysit" and would cope if I died. We just have different standards.

No, not projecting at all @SleepingStandingUp. TBH I don't have a clue what 'different standards' means. Does it mean that you consider vegetables to be an important part of a child's daily diet and he doesn't? Or you think teeth should be brushed twice a day and he doesn't? How is the health of children a matter of 'standards'?

I went away for a week when DD was 3, and in-laws came to stay - but that was largely because then he didn't have to take time off work. Once she was old enough that after school could be covered with a combination of playdates and him taking a bit of time off, he was fine unaided.

(The real breakthrough was the first time I went away without leaving a sheet of instructions - that was because DD knew for herself when she needed to be where!)

I suspect it's worth getting any DP to step up for the odd overnight once children are no longer breast-feeding. Just suppose you're called away because the grandparents are ill/injured, or something like that, it would be less stressful if you know DP won't be panicking at home.

You don’t HAVE to go anywhere but if you want to and he’s preventing you, then that’s not acceptable.

We both go all over the place, we don’t ask each others’ permission but we do check dates first and coordinate, of course. We’re a team.

I also think that the men who say they're on board with real joint parenting but show that's not the case with actions... Are worse. At least the op knows her DH is a shit dad in her heart because he's quite blatant about it.

I could be fun mum all the time too if I never insisted they eat vegetables with their meal or brush their teeth twice a day etc.

But I care about them even when it's not "fun mum". So I do all the parenting jobs that entails, and it has SFA to do with different standards, that's just cognitive dissonance.

Parenting isn't just doing the fun bits then leaving your other half to cover the crap work (veggies, teeth, puking on duvet at 3am, whatever).

Actions not words matter.

I'd never left DD, then 6 overnight with DH as I didn't want to be away from her.... It was 100 percent my choice.
But then I was blue lighted to hospital one Friday from work and reminded in hospital, fighting to stay alive, for the next two weeks. Surprise.... the World kept turning, DH parented DD and everything carried on without me. Poor DD did have some rather unique hairstyles at school for those 2 weeks!
Once I'd recovered enough to leave hospital it helped me realise that MY obsession with not leaving DD overnight was daft and actually unhelpful for her.
Now, DD is 8, she has sleepovers with friends and GPs, I go away perhaps twice a year and DH and DD love their weekends where they have their own special activities (physical stuff I can't do due to disability). It's been positive for their relationship and helps me be a better mum. It's sad your DH wouldn't step up. I really think you need to plan a weekend away and do it x

@TheDailyCarbuncle

Well that might be true, but I’ll enjoy my equal leisure time away from my DC and not worry too much about them having mcD for dinner one night or wearing pjs to the park, since DH does provide their actual care. Sure he’d have to step up more if he was in charge a lot on his own, but I’m a sahm so he’s not.

That's fair enough @Caterina99, though I'd argue that seeing as you're a SAHM it wouldn't be that hard for your DH to step up and parent properly the very few times he has to do it, seeing as you manage it all the rest of the time.

I hope he at least takes care of the housework while you're away?

Hang on, before we decimate this bloke: have you ever said you’re going away, OP? Has he ever had the opportunity to fly solo? Why did you pelt round the shops at Christmas? We’re you worried he wouldn’t cope?

But I'm not sure what you're complaining about. If you've never asked him to look after the children while you go away, you can't assume he would say no.

It's annoying when it seems like our lives as mothers has changed while the man's life is largely the same, but it's not actually a problem unless they actively refuse to share the load. You're doing everything but it doesn't seem like you've given him the opportunity to step up. Unless someone's very proactive they'll normally do the minimum they can get away with but will adjust if more is expected of them.

He’s had years of not manning up to the task in hand. He will likely have no confidence and view it as too difficult.

So the first thing to do is to give him more practice. Which will lead to more confidence.

Say, when you take one child to swimming lessons don’t come back afterwards, plan to be doing other things with dc until after tea (shoe shopping, hair, special tea out with mum) so he will have the other dc all day with lunch and dinner to do for them. You’d think that could be manageable.

If he copes with that then go out and let him mind both his dc all day from mid morning till dinner time sometimes.

Return to do tea the first couple of times, after that he can do that too.

Keep doing those two outings every couple of weeks and get him used to it so you know you are local so he can ring you for advice, and so you have confidence in his caring for your most treasured ‘possessions’ (not the right word but you know what I mean)!

Then you’ll have more confidence about his ability to parent and he will feel able to cope when you are away.

Of course you should leave him on his own with his children, I'd actually have been disappointed if my DH hadn't thought up activities, outings etc that he wanted to do with DS on their own.

I was always very aware that if I dropped dead (sorry to be blunt but it is an important thought process) my DH was a fully functional adult capable of raising his own DS. To be honest I would not be attracted to a man who was so incapable of basic life skills . Just as important, my DH respects me as an individual and encourages me to have my own interests, friends, weekends away etc etc.

There are so many threads like this on Mumsnet these days, and as a parent of teenage DS I sincerely hope that he will not end up as one of these useless men-children. .

OP, why not plan a weekend away, tell your DP, dont ask him. They're his kids as well as yours.

I breastfed, so it was not very comfortable to be away from any of them for any real length of time until they were weaned. But I went out for meals/to the cinema/for haircuts/whatever and DH dealt. In the last couple of years, I have had a couple of weeks away when he has taken time off and run the house/been me. He travels sometimes for work, too and we cope fine.

To be honest, it’s not completely equal. He needs a lot of briefing, because he commutes/works long hours and just doesn’t know who has music lessons when etc. In contrast he had ten days in Australia with work a couple of years ago and needed to tell me literally nothing before he left, because the things he deals with, I already know about.

That's very helpful, @Elieza, I couldn't definitely try that.
He says things like "jesus I could never be a stay at home parent, I'd fucking hate it" and other things to that effect. He complains at weekends if there is no time for one of us to nip out and get "proper" coffee (he has a fancy barista in his office building which he visits every day), moans that there is "nothing to eat" on weekend mornings (there are always about 5 types of cereal and fresh bread, eggs etc) and to be honest it just makes me feel like he looks at what life is like at home looking after children and just thinks it's beneath him, or something. Maybe that's why I've never left him to look after them for an extended period, because he would probably be miserable about it. He is hands on when he is not working, but only because we have a system worked out for the evenings/weekends, to avoid descending into absolute chaos. I say "hands on" when not working, I mean we share the parenting 50/50.

So if you go out to fetch coffee, do you go with the kids and bring it back? Or does he go alone? Tell him you'll go and just walk out without the kids. Then have one there and bring his back with you.

I don't get the bfast comment, what does he have in the week. What is he hinting at?