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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To end my marriage?

75 replies

BreathlessCommotion · 29/02/2020 20:27

I know I can end it for any reason I want etc. I have been building up to it for months (years even), but when confusing in a couple of close friends they've made me doubt myself.

Without writing war and peace, we've been married for 12 years. We married very quickly, bought a house, and had oldest DC all within first 2 years. Also have younger dc who has autism. Right from the beginning I have had thoughts of leaving.

He was emotionally abusive, especially after I was pregnant (he wasn't sure about children, dc1 was a contraception failure). This meant that I did the lions share of baby care. If anything went wrong, or was just a bit shit (colic, sickness, sleepless nights) it was always my fault--this is what I wanted.

There was name calling when he was angry or stressed, although he wouldn't really talk or argue about anything, just shut down. Nasty comments made. I lived in fear of breaking anything, something going wrong as it would always be my fault. I had a minor car accident and this was horrendous. Things like this were never forgotten, brought up and again and again--insurance expensive because of me.

He hated me going out with friends, even before children as he doesn't really like it. If he came we'd end up going home stupidly early because he was tired.

He has said before he was so angry he wanted to punch me, although nothing physical. Lots of coerced sex. I was very unwell after dc 2 was born- had zero support, help, sympathy. It was my fault for wanting another child.

He hates going on holiday and manages to ruin any trip with his moods. I suspected he might have autism too, and he was assessed but didn't meet the threshold due to lack of evidence from his childhood.

A year ago I said it was over. He was heartbroken (I was surprised, I had made plans in case he turned nasty). I agreed to counselling and he made massive changes. It was genuinely better than it was. But slowly it has started to go backwards, I think it's exhausting for him to maintain. And I just don't think I love him. The damage has already been done. He has said some very nasty things about me that still effect me.

But my friend keeps telling to make sure I'm sure, could more counselling help. I think it's because I've never told much of how he has been to me. But I'm not being unreasonable am I? I know the dc will be devastated.

OP posts:
Stressedout10 · 29/02/2020 20:32

Yanbu
You need to do what is right for you and to be honest from the sound of it getting your DC out of such a toxic environment will be better for them than staying together

MonaLisaDoesntSmile · 29/02/2020 20:32

Some friends you have! Leave asap would be my advice, the guy is not worth it!!!

Thedogscollar · 29/02/2020 20:37

You have tried your hardest OP and you cannot keep making excuses for him. Go with your gut only you know. Good luck whatever you decide.

Whatsmynextmove · 29/02/2020 20:44

I could have written this myself.
I think the fact you’ve been to counselling is admirable after what he put you through. If things have declined again, do you really want to go through more counselling?
The children will find it hard at first, my older son is coming to terms with our separation (he’s only known for a week) but he said he would rather have 2 parents separated and happy than together and miserable. He understands we cannot be together anymore.
You deserve so much more... ask yourself how you would feel 5 years from now in this same situation? Would you want your children to end up in similar relationships? When you think of your life in a year, what do you imagine? These are all things I did to help me find the courage to end things.
It’s been hard, but I honestly feel like a huge weight has been lifted. As if by magic I am not anxious anymore, I feel positive about things for the first time in a long time despite panicking for years about leaving.
Only you know how you really feel and you have to do what’s best for you. Your children will be fine and they will one day understand why you had to end things. I know how hard it is, but it sounds to me like you know what you want to do. Flowers

candycane222 · 29/02/2020 20:44

You don't know the dc will be devastated actually. I men they might be, and they will certainly find it difficult to begin with. But I can't see how it is to their advantage to grow up in a household where there is such lack of love and respect - and sometimes outright hostility - between their parents.

TheyDoDoThat · 29/02/2020 20:44

Jesus what kind of friends are these. 1. He is abusive (Abuse is not a symptom of ASD it’s a symptom of a cunt) 2. You don’t love him.

Either of these are perfectly acceptable reasons to end a relationship. I am flabbergasted your friends are pushing you staying in a loveless abusive relationship.

Masks are hard to maintain and his is slipping. I hope all that pent up range doesn’t explode on you. Get out now.

mimimonster123 · 29/02/2020 21:09

I just can't imagine telling a friend who is being abused to stay with the abuser?

I'm guessing you haven't told them the full truth (which is understandable)
Maybe it's time to be honest with them and surely once they know what you've been through and how you feel they will be telling you to ltb and give you support?

Hugs

nobodyimportant · 29/02/2020 21:12

Your friends wouldn't say that if they understood that he was abusive.

petrocellihouse · 29/02/2020 21:15

Your friends are not in the marriage, you are. And only you know what it’s like. It might be hard but I’d say leave. Move forward, you’ll see just how strong you are, and just how much better life can be without the abuse.

Sneezer · 29/02/2020 21:15

Fucking hell my love, you've given it your all. Go and be happy Flowers

Merryoldgoat · 29/02/2020 21:19

Sweet Jesus - get away from him! He’s awful OP and you know it.

Comtesse · 29/02/2020 21:21

Ignore your “friends”.

Fr0g · 29/02/2020 21:21

I'm amazed you've put up with it so long.
It's sad that you're friends are not more supportive, but maybe they are too close to the situation, invested in you as a couple/family unit to see the cracks and recognise the abuse.

good luck moving forward, hope that everything works out.

Original poster
BreathlessCommotion · 29/02/2020 21:26

They definitely don't know everything. Because I've hidden it as somehow I was ashamed.

We discussed a lot of the awful things he said in counselling and he did seem genuinely upset. But I just don't think I can ever move on from it.

Thanks for the reassurance that I'm not weird in wanting to move away. As PP said, I'd be gutted to still be here in 5 years time.

OP posts:
Largeyellowdaffodil · 29/02/2020 21:29

Does he have autism?

Original poster
BreathlessCommotion · 29/02/2020 21:33

The outcome of his assessment was no, he doesn't. But he is very similar to dc (with diagnosed autism) in a lot of ways. He also had a very difficult childhood and was subject to emotional neglect. The assessment said that there wasn't enough evidence from his childhood to make a diagnosis.

OP posts:
LuxLuxLux84 · 29/02/2020 21:41

He sounds like my stbxh. Many have asked if he has autism too. I also have a child with autism. My ex really struggles to see my point of view or pain but he’s super high functioning if he is autistic. Perhaps yours is similar. It’s not the being a cunt which suggests autism it’s the lack of flexibility and inability to read or teamsters to her feelings and needs.

TalaxuArmiuna · 29/02/2020 21:42

yanbu and I think your friends are looking at him with rose-tinted glasses. abusers never let their facade drop when visible to those who might otherwise help their victims to escape. you have seen what it's behind the mask, they haven't.

PickAChew · 29/02/2020 21:45

Your friends aren't living your life.

And you only have the one. Don't waste any more of it with him.

Original poster
BreathlessCommotion · 29/02/2020 23:55

Now I just need to get the guts to tell him. He'll be devastated and I'll feel awful. Urgh.

OP posts:
WagtailRobin · 01/03/2020 02:30

@BreathlessCommotion Do what is right for YOU, you do not need anyone's permission or validation.

Yeah he might be upset/heartbroken but that is not your issue, think of yourself!

LorenzoStDubois · 01/03/2020 03:21

You need to end this.
Do it now.
Things will never improve otherwise.

Sneezer · 01/03/2020 06:33

Emotional abuse includes guilting to stay. He may be genuinely gutted... but it's his own doing. You already gave him the chance to change- he did which shows you how he treats you is a CHOICE and that choice was so unnatural and exhausting to him he couldn't keep it up.

This is all his own fault and you DO NOT need to waste another moment of your life here. Save your kids. Save yourself. Flowers

Original poster
BreathlessCommotion · 01/03/2020 08:06

Things definitely aren't as bad as they were, but it definitely feels forced sometimes, like a set of calculated actions. It's really hard to explain. I think maybe it was too late for the change. It's not a case of a list of things he can start doing.

OP posts:
FlowerArranger · 01/03/2020 08:57

They definitely don't know everything. Because I've hidden it as somehow I was ashamed.

This is standard behaviour amongst people who are being abused. Blaming yourself, wondering What have I done to "cause" this?, trying to paper over the cracks and pretend it isn't as bad as it is. Do you feel that your friends would be supportive if they knew? Because having supportive friends will help you tremendously in the difficult times ahead.

We discussed a lot of the awful things he said in counselling and he did seem genuinely upset.

Of course he was! He saw himself exposed as the abusive POS he is, so why wouldnt he `seem genuinely upset. But he just feels sorry for himself... And sorry because he fucked up and went too far in his abuse of you.

Things definitely aren't as bad as they were, but it definitely feels forced sometimes, like a set of calculated actions. It's really hard to explain.

He can see his control of you slipping away. He has analysed the situation and has realised that he needs to scramble and do whatever it takes to take remedial action!! But of course your emotional detector is picking up all the undercurrents. You know this isn't for real, and it won't last. He is doing just enough, all the time observing you, adjusting his hoovering techniques, planning his next move.

Now I just need to get the guts to tell him. He'll be devastated and I'll feel awful.

No! Do not tell him now. Not until you have all your ducks in a row. This won't be pretty, you will need to be strong and in control. Knowledge is, power, so be smart about this.

Wikivorce, Divorce for Dummies etc, gather all financial documentation, competent family lawyer, sorting out where you're going to live... It won't be easy, but you can do this. Your children will thank you one day.

[Ask me how I know all this... Sigh.]