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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To end my marriage?

75 replies

BreathlessCommotion · 29/02/2020 20:27

I know I can end it for any reason I want etc. I have been building up to it for months (years even), but when confusing in a couple of close friends they've made me doubt myself.

Without writing war and peace, we've been married for 12 years. We married very quickly, bought a house, and had oldest DC all within first 2 years. Also have younger dc who has autism. Right from the beginning I have had thoughts of leaving.

He was emotionally abusive, especially after I was pregnant (he wasn't sure about children, dc1 was a contraception failure). This meant that I did the lions share of baby care. If anything went wrong, or was just a bit shit (colic, sickness, sleepless nights) it was always my fault--this is what I wanted.

There was name calling when he was angry or stressed, although he wouldn't really talk or argue about anything, just shut down. Nasty comments made. I lived in fear of breaking anything, something going wrong as it would always be my fault. I had a minor car accident and this was horrendous. Things like this were never forgotten, brought up and again and again--insurance expensive because of me.

He hated me going out with friends, even before children as he doesn't really like it. If he came we'd end up going home stupidly early because he was tired.

He has said before he was so angry he wanted to punch me, although nothing physical. Lots of coerced sex. I was very unwell after dc 2 was born- had zero support, help, sympathy. It was my fault for wanting another child.

He hates going on holiday and manages to ruin any trip with his moods. I suspected he might have autism too, and he was assessed but didn't meet the threshold due to lack of evidence from his childhood.

A year ago I said it was over. He was heartbroken (I was surprised, I had made plans in case he turned nasty). I agreed to counselling and he made massive changes. It was genuinely better than it was. But slowly it has started to go backwards, I think it's exhausting for him to maintain. And I just don't think I love him. The damage has already been done. He has said some very nasty things about me that still effect me.

But my friend keeps telling to make sure I'm sure, could more counselling help. I think it's because I've never told much of how he has been to me. But I'm not being unreasonable am I? I know the dc will be devastated.

OP posts:

Winterwoollies · 06/04/2020 12:19

Be brave. You need to do this. He’s illustrating his abusive control by consistently trying to convince you he’ll change. Again. Even though he’s never managed it before.

Be matter of fact, brave, decisive and as unemotional as you can be. He’ll pounce on any upset you may show. Have you a spare room in the house you can stay in? Or can you move the kids about a bit so you can get away from him? Make sure someone knows you’ve done this, someone you can trust and can call on, in case he decides to become (more) unpleasant.

This is very hard but you’re doing the right thing. Based on what you’ve told us, you’ve given him far more chances than he deserves.

Original poster

BreathlessCommotion · 06/04/2020 22:24

We talked. It was horrible. In his eyes he's changes loads and things are so much better. They are in practical terms I think maybe years of wearing me down means I don't love him anymore.

He really wants us to keep trying, said its the best thing for the dc, best thing financially. I tried to explain that I just have an overwhelming feeling that I want to leave, no matter how much life gets better practically, or he pulls his weight.

He blamed my mh, and said it was a reflection of how I was currently feeling. He also got a bit angry and said he wasn't that bad and I wasn't perfect either.

Bloody awful.

OP posts:

happywifi99 · 06/04/2020 22:35

I'm so sorry, that's horrible. Are you ok?

Getting angry, blaming your mh, saying neither of you are perfect.... these are all huge red flags to me

cravingthelook · 06/04/2020 22:40

Go, I tried for years and years (not the exact reasons as you but I knew deep down trying wasn't going to work). Left last June, it's shit and hard but oh the best choice ever! Because I'd been putting off what I knew.

billy1966 · 06/04/2020 22:45

OP, he is a nasty piece of work and has been for years.

You are doing the right thing for you.

Any hint of trouble, call the police.

AnPo · 06/04/2020 22:46

Stand firm in your decision OP. You've said all you need to say to him so it would possibly best at this stage to disengage from discussing the topic with him as it's not going to get you anywhere. If either of you leaving isn't an option just hang tight until lockdown is lifted and set to work ridding yourself of this horrible creature.

Stay strong

CatFaceCats · 06/04/2020 22:49

I recently left my 10 year relationship. The circumstances are completely different to you, as in it’s all amicable, but I just want to say that after years of thinking about it, it was 100% the best decision. Only a month later, I feel happy and free. It was honestly as if a massive weight has been lifted.

Cherrysoup · 06/04/2020 23:00

It’s going to be horrible, particularly as leaving isn’t practical given the current situation. Stick to your guns, OP, he’s abusive and disgusting to you, regardless of the changes he thinks he’s making. Just because he knows you’re serious he’s changed, this is not the real him, as you well know. He will slip eventually. If you feel in danger, call the police.

Queenie8 · 07/04/2020 00:28

Well done OP. Just saying it out loud makes it real. Watch for the massive/fake changes and more effort for the next few weeks. Coz he will make an effort (no effort should be needed, it should be natural to respect and love your partner). Whilst the sun is shining, metaphorically, get your ducks in a row, and don't be sucked in.

I know estate agents locally to me are working remotely, so if you need to move out, reach out to them and see what is available. You may also be able to negotiate on pricing etc. Stay strong. Keep coming back to this post.

FlowerArranger · 07/04/2020 08:08

@BreathlessCommotion.... can you have a look on Rightmove to check out what rental properties are available, then contact local estate agents. Shelter and Gingerbread are useful resources for help and advice re. finding accommodation.

Nanny0gg · 07/04/2020 08:18

He's not going to see your POV. Your POV doesn't count, he's proved that over the years.

Make plans now for when this is over.

Look forward to being happy.

Good luck

BeansOnToast4T · 07/04/2020 09:06

Yes, you need to end it. Your friends are on the outside, they haven't lived your experiences. I was in a marriage for years longer than I should have been, living your life walking in eggshells is no life.

Original poster

BreathlessCommotion · 07/04/2020 22:27

He seems to be accepting it. But he wants to stay in the house, which I don't really mind. Except we have a dog and I can't find anywhere to rent that allows pets. I hope the kids forgive me

OP posts:

KatherineJaneway · 08/04/2020 06:53

I wouldn't leave the house, what did your solicitor asvisexon that front?

KatherineJaneway · 08/04/2020 06:53

Advise on

RosesandIris · 08/04/2020 07:06

12 years of this..it sounds like a prison sentence. You really really need to leave him. Well done for taking the first steps.

cece · 08/04/2020 07:42

When I told my kids I was leaving their dad they actually said. What took you so long?

We're all much happier now and I can't believe I stayed partly because I didn't want to upset my kids.

Original poster

BreathlessCommotion · 08/04/2020 10:16

I think my 10 year old will be relieved.

The solicitor said that essentially it'd an agreement between us. He hates renting, like no one I've ever met. If I want for him to find somewhere suitable it could be months or more likely years. And I will never hear the end of it. He was grumbling last night about if we sold the house, never being able to own again and having to rent forever (he's quite pessimistic). He will use it as a way to make me stay.

I honestly don't care where I live, bricks and mortar as far as I'm concerned. I am worried about the kids leaving their bedrooms and not being able to take the dog. I don't think they'd mind so much if we could take her with us.

He wants to do 50/50 contact. He asked about maintenance and I explained it would apply if 50/50. He then said he thought it would be best if one of us did all the clothes shopping, shoe shopping stuff for the kids and the other one just handed over money 😂. Cheeky fucker.

OP posts:

Winterwoollies · 08/04/2020 11:10

I’m not sure that you leaving the house is a good idea. Get some legal advice as soon as you can.

It also sounds like he’s going to make things hard for you in the interest of ‘keeping it casual and out of court’ so I think you also need a proper legal agreement about contact and maintenance.

Don’t let him trick you into not getting things in place to protect yourself. He’s already shown how controlling he is. He’s a bully and he’s going to punish you for leaving.

Original poster

BreathlessCommotion · 08/04/2020 11:28

If I don't leave I will still be here in years. He won't leave. We will have a proper financial agreement that will be agreed in court. But I don't want court orders forcing sales, solicitors fighting over stuff.

If we go for the deferred sale then it will be part of a formal financial agreement. I'm not interested in the house, his pension (I have a pension too). We don't have any savings and a small amount of equity in the house, plus a bit of debt.

I don't want to force the sale of the house because I want the kids to have their family home, even if just for a few more years while they settle. And if we sell the house and both rent we will have to rebome the dog and cats, which would be heartbreaking for them.

He can play his games, I'm well used to it and I don't care. I just want out.

OP posts:

Oldraver · 08/04/2020 11:42

He then said he thought it would be best if one of us did all the clothes shopping, shoe shopping stuff for the kids and the other one just handed over money 😂. Cheeky fucker.

Tell him you can go with that, how much should I hand over ?

Original poster

BreathlessCommotion · 09/04/2020 09:43

He called the Respect helpline, for perpetrators of domestic abuse. I asked what they said and he said they told him he'd been abusing me. He's actually accepting it over days. He's really upset though, with himself. No blame on me, says he wishes he realised sooner, wished he'd listened to me.

OP posts:

Heygirlheyboy · 09/04/2020 10:04

I would say it's highly likely for whatever reason, that your friend does not realise what it's really like. It sounds absolutely awful, of course you could (/should) call it a day.

Heygirlheyboy · 09/04/2020 10:06

Now might be the time to get some reassurance re house and him moving perhaps OP. I'm glad he's got to this point, it's a very sad situation but you will have a new life ahead.

Weenurse · 10/04/2020 00:29

Now he understands your need to leave, try to have a conversation about where to from here. Map out how you want to go forward and what are his thoughts, knowing you are not going to back down.

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